1andonly's blog

Depression and Self-Esteem

Girls
In the middle years, girls find it easy to express their emotions verbally, and their self-esteem tends to be strong and resilient. They may be full of themselves--confident, adventurous, secure and certain of their ability to do valuable things in the world. From their youthful point of view, anything is possible.

However, as girls approach and enter adolescence, their self-esteem can become more fragile. In about one-third of girls, a decline in self-esteem becomes pronounced and long-lasting. Sadness, anxiety and eating disorders are more prevalent in girls on the brink of becoming teenagers. As young as the age of 7, many girls start becoming self-critical of their bodies, and up to fifty percent of 9-year-old girls have already tried dieting. Between the ages of 11 and 13, some girls lose much of their emotional strength and spirit. They may develop a crisis in confidence and become depressed. Their optimism dampens, and they become less likely to take chances. By the time girls enter high school, less than one-third of them report being happy with the way they are.

Particularly as girls enter adolescence, they become more reluctant to assert themselves and take credit for their accomplishments. They may refrain from criticizing or disagreeing with others, or making their likes, wants and needs known. They may set less challenging and lofty goals, and may see their futures with more uncertainty.

Of course, this need not be the case. As a parent, you should help your middle-years child hold on to her strong sense of confidence and self-worth. Recognize and reinforce your youngster's positive traits. Applaud her efforts and achievements at every opportunity. And to counter some of the messages that girls get from the media that her appearance is crucial, help your daughter value the things she does rather than how she looks.

Also, talk with your daughter about her dreams and her anxieties, and what may be getting in the way of feeling good about herself. Encourage her to believe that she can become anything she chooses. Help her find opportunities to experience success, and reward her when she is assertive and shows pride in her accomplishments.

Boys
Boys in the middle years tend to lag behind girls in many areas of emotional development. Because they may have been encouraged to "be tough,'' many boys have difficulty articulating their feelings, and thus they are inclined to express themselves physically. By the age of 9, in fact, many boys have learned to repress their feelings--except for anger. For example, research has found that in the first year or two after their parents divorce, boys tend to become more aggressive, a phenomenon not commonly seen among girls in divorced families. However, when pressed, an obviously troubled boy may say something like, "I don't know how I feel.'' And they honestly don't know!

Boys of this age are adventurous and rambunctious, and generally not inclined toward introspection and talking about their feelings.

Although boys and girls in the middle years have very similar rates of mental health problems, boys are more likely to receive mental health services. That's generally because their symptoms--including aggressive and hyperactive behavior--are more often visible to their parents and other adults.

Boys need as much or more emotional support and guidance as girls. They need to have emotional opportunities to foster their awareness of feelings and their ability to express their needs. One of your tasks as a parent is to make sure that your son is prepared to meet the challenges of childhood and adulthood with a more well-rounded perspective than, "I can only react by being tough . . . by suppressing my feelings.'' Let him know that it's often appropriate to say things like, "This scares me,'' that he doesn't have to hide these kinds of feelings.

Show your son respect, have a sense of humor, and make an effort to stay close and connected. Frequently, it takes an older male--a father, an uncle, or another role model--to support a boy's emotional maturation, and help him grow into a socially responsible, sensitive adult.