1andonly's blog

Few things are more upsetting than children who do not get along. No matter how hard you try to keep the peace, your children are likely to fight over toys, pick on or tattle on one another, and tease and criticize each other. You may wonder, "What have I done wrong?" The answer is probably nothing. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up.

Sibling rivalry between children who are under 4 years of age tends to be at its worst when they are less than 3 years apart. This is largely because preschool children still depend on their parents a great deal and have not made friends or gotten close to other adults yet. Children who are 2 and 3 years old are also very self-centered and have a very hard time sharing their parents with siblings.

Competition between brothers and sisters can heat up as children grow older. It is often at its worst when children are between 8 and 12 years old. Siblings close in age or those who have the same interests tend to compete more.

Sometimes, especially when children are several years apart, the older one accepts and protects the younger sibling. Once the younger one grows and develops more skills and talents, however, the older child may feel "shown up" by the younger one. The older child may feel threatened or embarrassed. He may then begin to compete with the younger child, or become more aggressive toward him. The younger child, too, may become jealous about the privileges his big brother or sister gets as he or she gets older. Though you may think you know, it is often hard to tell which child is causing the problem.

It is important not to get too upset when your children are jealous of each other, especially if the older child is a preschooler. It takes time for a youngster to learn that his parents do not love him any less because they have another child to love.

Here are some tips on managing conflict between your children:



If your older child starts imitating the baby, do not make fun of or punish him. Let him drink from a bottle or climb in the crib once or twice, but make it very clear that he does not have to act like a baby to get your attention. Praise him when he acts "grown up" and give him chances to be a "big brother." It should not take long for him to see that he gets more attention by acting his age than by acting like a baby.

If your older child is between 3 and 5 years old, try to cut down on conflicts over space by setting aside an area just for her. Giving your older child her own space and keeping her things apart from shared ones will cut down on quarrels.

Do not compare your children in front of them. It is natural to notice differences between your children. Just try not to comment on these in front of them. It is easy for a child to think that he is not as good or as loved as his sibling when you compare them. Remember, each child is a special individual. Let each one know that.

As much as possible, stay out of your children's arguments. You may have to step in and settle a spat between toddlers or preschoolers. For example, if they are arguing over blocks, you might need to split the blocks into piles for each of them. Older children will probably settle an argument peacefully if left alone. If your children try to involve you, explain that they are both responsible for creating the problem and for ending it. Do not take sides. Set guidelines on how your children can disagree and resolve their conflicts. Of course, you must get involved if the situation gets violent. Make sure your children know that you will not stand for such behavior. If there is any reason to suspect that your children may become violent, watch them closely when they are together. Preventing violence is always better than punishing after the fact, which often makes the rivalry worse. Praise your children when they solve their arguments, and reward good behavior.

Respect your child's privacy. When it is necessary to punish or scold, do it with the child alone in a quite, private place. When possible, do not embarrass one child by scolding him in front of the others. This will only make the other child tease the one you punished.