Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

THEY'RE STARTING!



I'm going to be releasing the awards in serialized format, as I don't have them all completely written, but fuck it, I'm sick of the bitching about the delays.

Here's the kick-off award:

Dummy Matt Award

WIAF asked if anybody other than Dummy Matt getting the Dummy Matt Award would be some sort of an abomination. Well, originally I had planned on actually scouring the boards for somebody who exemplified the same characteristics of Dummy Matt who wasn’t Dummy Matt. Deep down, I thought it would be refreshing and surprising for fanaholics to read about somebody else.

I failed. Or, Dummy Matt just succeeded at being one of the stupidest cunts to ever lurk the earth. What’s better? He didn’t even have to try.

During the summer of ‘06, Dummy Matt horribly embarrassed himself in a stunning display of self-implosion. He then, thankfully, fucked off from the board for a few months, licking his wounds, looking at Tiger Tank books at Chapters, telling people at the bus-stop how to do their Sudoku puzzles, getting drunk and shitting in the bar urinals each Saturday night before stumbling home to pass out in the mud-room.

But, like the 21st century online equivalent of chicken pox, Dummy Matt came back in the form of shingles, amazingly never have learned a damn thing and barfing out the same tired racist attitudes, platitudes and failed attempts at intellectually hating brown people.

Reading through his posts, he’s convinced me he’s beyond hope. Almost to a formula, he begins be selecting something that brown people have done to which he takes offence (deserved or not), compares it disfavourably to Western society (which he doesn’t understand but nonetheless exalts without explanation), followed by angry dummy fist-slamming.

I used to take the time to explain where his “logic” had gone horribly wrong. But, each time I did, he would reject objective fact, retreat to the internet, try to impose hypocritical rules, keep morals of convenience, editorialize everything, toss out just the saddest insults in retaliation until he got so emotionally attached he would completely abandon any sense of shame and just spiffle, sputter and rot.

Even after his return, he still posts with but one thought in mind: to hate brown people without being called out on it. He’ll tell you that he respects, in theory, their right to exist, but you know he would kill them if they moved in next to him.

And that’s why Dummy Matt wins his own award. His bigoted hatred of Arab Muslims isn’t new, it isn’t profound and he’s not this intellectual lighthouse shining light on troublesome rocks upon which society shall soon wreck itself. Dummy Matt’s just a hateful cunt. At the turn of the last century, America was consumed with immigration policy. It was believed that the influx of south-eastern Europeans would denigrate the rest of American society. They were suspected of being criminals, mentally inferior and ultimately, incompatible with American society. The belief that the sheer power of American culture could shape people into compatible citizens was usurped by racist notions of “groups”.

Sound familiar so far? Fuck, Alexis de Tocqueville was discussing this in the 1840’s segregating the United States into Americans (read: British Isles white), fuckers that were here before the Americans (read: Indians) and fuckers who were bought and dragged here (read: blacks).

The Irish, the blacks, Indians, the Eastern Europeans, Jews, Russians, the Chinese immigrants, Japanese immigrants, Mexicans and Pakastanis have all felt the boot-heel of opposition to immigration, but it’s just that now Arab Muslims are the supposed “threat” to society. Each new “threat” lets the old “threat” off the hook. The old “threat” didn’t manage to wreck society and their help is enlisted to buttress against the new “threat”. Need an example? Now the Dummy Matts of the world will tell you that this is a Judeo-Christian society. Forget the hatred of the Irish-Catholics who were going to ruin North America, electing a Catholic president was going to turn every last citizen into papal vassals and turning back the boats of Jews to Hitler’s Germany, now Muslims want in so this is a unified front.

Fuck off. The sky isn’t falling and the Dummy Matt’s of the world need to grip their ankles and give a good strong tug to free their head from the stuffy confines of their asses.

I’m hoping that this award goes to show even a hateful bigoted (and once again failed) dummy that there is hope.

Dummy Matt, I salute your stupidity, your total lack of education, your crass ignorance, your inability to accept and your steely dedication to recycling racism for the 21st Century to give people like me somebody to bash on and use as a warning to others.

Hey, at least you didn’t win Biggest Forehead in Christendom Award! You were in the running, you dipshit cunt!

Stay tuned, the Comment Corner 2006 CKA POSTER AWARDS OF THE YEAR AWARDS continue here...only at the Comment Corner!