Comment Corner

Folks,

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days where the sun is shining, the birds are singing, cliches are being cliched and then suddenly, you're derailed like you skidded in some dogshit? One of your legs splays out awkwardly, you drop your coffee and the only way to deflect embarassment is to walk over, drop to your knees and pound the skiddy dogshit with your hand? I've seen a grown man do it. Except instead of dogshit, he fell down a hill near a bridge and then he ran over and kicked the hill. Not even a good Street Fighter II Champion Edition kick either. More like a dipshit who just rolled down a hill out seeking instant revenge homo-kick. I stopped my car I was laughing so hard.

Moving back into the swing of things here, these are 3 examples of things which are the equivalent of a strategically crapped peanutter or a vengeful hill, hell bent on taking men's lives.

1. COLLEGE IS NOT UNIVERSITY

Have you ever known somebody who's going to college? Maybe they're wasting their lives becoming dentalologists, forest rangers or integrated technology specialists, but essentially, they're at college. What makes me want to slap these fuckers right in the cheek close to the ear for maximum head-snap are their delusional beliefs. Firstly, don't quote what marks you're getting in college. I'm not impressed by a school that grants partial credit for opening the classroom door. Not shitting yourself in class also doesn't qualify as a mid-term. Also, these marks are not directly comparable to university grades. A 93% in Dishwasher Brand Recognition is not the same as a 93% in Lower Canadian History 1850-1855. Secondly, don't casually drop that you're x number of courses away from getting your degree and expect me not to choke on the bile rising in my mouth. You're not getting a degree. You're getting a diploma. Even my elitist ass recognizes there are some diplomas which are actually valuable and difficult to get rivalling degrees, but for the most part, Kiln Glazing Technology, Fashion: Construction and Design and Telephone End User Specialist can rot testicles when referred to as degrees. They're not. Lastly, you're not really clever for going to college. You didn't figure out a sneaky way to "beat the system." You took a low-rent mishmash education path which led to you programming debit machines at Shopper's Drug Mart. Congrats!

2. GLURGY EMAILS WITH MORALS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

For fuck's sake. When are people going to learn you can't improve the lot of society by sending around crap stories about Jesus fending off rapes, diseases and Chuck Norris attacks (somebody got a little sloppy with the ol' cut 'n paste methinks)? I'm not actually going to give any more of a shit than I did before I read your email, I don't feel guilty about not forwarding it and I'm going to openly resent you more than I probably already do. It's slacktivism of the worst kind. If your idea of sharing love is to click on a forward button, highlight my name and then click send, you're not sharing love. You're indulging in a little ego-masturbation, don't kid yourself. If you really care, come mow my lawn, cook me a steak, find that button I lost on the sleeve of my coat or cut my hair. You know, something that requires a bit of effort or sacrifice.

Speaking of sacrifice, please stop sending me emails imploring me to boycott gasoline from one particular provider on such and such a day. For every drop you don't use that day, I'm going to leave my car idling for 3 hours. It has nothing to do with supporting oil companies, it has to do with getting people to learn not to believe non-sensical bullshit. Not buying gas from PetroCanada for one day will not cause Esso to choke on its supplies. Buying gasoline for one day a la that asswipe egg-carton theory won't work either. Want the price of gas to go down? Don't buy it....ever again. Walk places, ride bikes or do some shitty weird 12 man piggy-back, but don't use gas. I know that would require some people more hardship than the "buy gas Wednesday evening instead of Thursday morning, take that Exxon" fuckrodedness they were going for, but hey, what's the world without some reality?

And goddamn it, I want the person who started that "Dance like nobody is looking" email tied by one foot to the rear of a jetliner and flown across the Atlantic where he's cut loose over Spain.

3. ASPARTAME LECTURES

Some day, you're going to die. I'm going to die. We're all going to die. And it's going to probably be some ugly reason like degenerative boner rot, killer robots or Schalahaeger brain-calcification caused repeated viewings of Raines. So knock off the goddamn aspartame lectures. If I want to drink a diet-coke, I'll do so. I don't need some whiny pseudo-chemist repeating facts he may have heard 10 years ago regarding a naturally occurring chemical compound giving me shit over Nestea Zero. Usually, people pull factual tidbits straight out of their ass on this one. "Did you know that aspartame is a relative of nicotine?" No, I didn't know that because it isn't true. "Did you know that JFK drank nutrasweet in his coffee and his head exploded during a drive in Dallas?" "Did you know that aspartame was invented by the CIA working with the KKK to help Jewish people continue their control of the diamond trade?"

Considering all of the shit you're going to eat, inhale, drink or absorb through your skin your whole life, cutting down on needless calorie intake so that you don't rank among the flabby fat-hordes, mooing down shopping aisles towards the Coke Classic is probably not going to kill anybody.

I don't have endings anymore. I've ruined so many, I'm just going to stop.