Comment Corner

Fanaholics,

I love Lost. It's a great show with great potential. Unlike say, Deal or No Deal with Howie Latex Glove On The Head AGAIN Go Back To St. Elsewhere You Fuck Mandell. Ed Begley Jr's not doing anything, why not bash the shit out of him whilst the darkened doorknob figures out the latest offer before cutting to a Boston Pizza commercial? By the way, Howie's job could also include flooring the suitcase bitches with a massive right hook when they peek into the suitcase before revealing it.

Damn I hate that show. Where was I? Right, Lost. Fuck any more intro, I'll probably just start attacking Deal or No Deal and it's horseshit clone 1 vs. 100 with Bob Who Gave Jodi Sweetin Her First Hit Of Meth? Mesa No Know! Saget.

5 Things that would save Lost.



1. Annoying characters have to die. Unfortunately,the ensemble format decided upon by the writers of the show is beginning to show its limitations. Nobody gives a rat's fucking ass about Jin and Sun. They're not interesting, they don't add anything to the plot and their back-stories could choke a retarded horse to death with their teetering boredom. I don't give a shit if Sun is pregnant, nobody should either. The only bright spot in this potential area is the death sentence placed on Charlie's head. Guess what? Charlie was in a rock-band and took heroin. Now axe the little hobbit right off the fucking island. Have Sputnik get magnetically sucked out of orbit by the Island and rocket-bash red-hot into Charlie's left temple while he's taking a dump and reading an Equinox. In the explosion from Sputnik, Claire and Hurley could die too. Hurley's slightly problematic. His backstory in the nut-hatch involving the numbers was interesting. Then they dropped it for being cursed. Fuck off Cheech, I wanna know more about the inmates.

But, by paring down the characters that don't actually advance the plot, they can focus on the characters that do. Which brings me to...

2. Focus. The show is becoming too ambiguous and rudderless in its direction. Some weeks, it's about the Island, or the Dharma Initiative, or French jungle-bitch or the Others. All of those are goddamn great ideas, but when individually explored, the viewer will lose interest in the story as a whole. I want to know the connexions between these entities instead of just slapping a new mystery on when it comes to be answer time. That's the cancer that ultimately wiped X-Files right off the goddamn map and this show is starting to show signs of it as well. What happened to the numbers? They're just fucking gone, despite their obscene prevalence in Season 2. Instead of worrying about that, guess which song Juliet is listening to? Give up? Who cares?

If the writers start focusing more on connexions, people will be drawn into the web of intrigue. So, dear ABC writers, fuck off with things like the 4 toed statue or Penelope Widmore discovering the Island without tying them in more.

3. The backstories need to take a backseat. Too much of the time in Season 3 has been taken up by unnecessary backstories that have been mostly established in Seasons 1 and 2. Having Locke smash his back in an 8 storey drop is neat (oh shit, SPOILER ALERT) but it doesn't advance the plot. It used to be that the backstories showed connexions between characters and gave overall histories to fuel present motivations, but it's disintegrated into nothing more than loose vignettes to bolster some dumb shit decision the character is going to make that week.

Sayid getting captured is the perfect example of this. If the backstory isn't going to advance the plot, lose it.

4. DHARMA is the key. Season 2 kicked ass. Season 2 rocked people's asses right off their faces. Season 2 was a massive throbbing boner of a season and Season 3 should have been a giant money-shot of a season right into viewer's gaping mouths. Instead, the writer's pissed in their hands and threw it at the viewers. By dropping DHARMA largely from the plot, the motivations of the Others also drops and unfortunately, so too does their interest. When Ben was trapped in the Hatch or the Others were name dropping in their lists, the Others were mysterious and interesting. Now thatthey live in a quaint village and read books and aren't DHARMA, they blow massive butt-chunks of shit-fudge. I don't care if Juliet once crotch-slammed Ben and made his dumbo ears blush. But Alex's boyfriend in room 23? STICK TO THAT SHIT. What was going on there and why? Was it DHARMA? We'll never know. See point 2. The Flame Station and message from Dr. Wickman/Candle...awesome! Destruction of the Flame Station? Shitty! See point 2.

5. Get a definite conclusion date from ABC. Part of the problem with the inconsistent writing is that the soulless fuckers in the ABC boardrooms are milking the length of Lost for as long as its popular. But it's a Catch-22. Dragging out Lost will alienate viewers resulting in its untimely cancellation if they go too low. But by answering mysteries to keep the ratings high, the writers will run out of mysteries to answer until they mythology gets too convoluted and assine to stomach any more than the ending to the Departed.
But, if JJ Abrams and company know how many episodes they have to complete, they can pace the episodes to wrap it up in a fantastic conclusion with maybe a one episode denoument. They can drop the shit backstories maybe even entirely, focus the attention where it belongs on the Island and DHARMA and ditch shit characters instead of hanging on to them for episode padding.

Fuck folks, the Comment Corner just solved Lost in a single article! Vive le fucking me!