Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

There's nothing more annoying than sitting down one benign Saturday afternoon to kill a half-hour with some classic 80's television. A familiar theme song plays as nostalgia whips up some teary moisture in the corners of the eyes. One could almost imagine they were back in that magical decade, tits deep doing blow off a hooker whilst a comedian in a charcoal tweed jacket makes fun of the Ayatollah-Assaholah on A&E's Evening at the Improv.

Also, Battle-Beasts. Angry animals wearing clunky armour powered by wood, fire or water. Jumping fucking Jesus not everything was good in the 80's.

But, much like your average goth kid with one too many metal bolts through his face, yum, these shows ultimately had just ooooone character too many. One character that ultimately proved to be just like a barking shit in a nicely made lasagna. One character, that if properly fired from a cannon at the side of a bullet train, would have sent the show leaping from greatness to Balls of God status.

The Cosby Show



VANESSA HUXTABLE

Annoying, bossy, poorly acted Vanessa Huxtable needed the fuck to go. Much like Ted Kennedy glancing over his shoulder towards Poucha Pond was an afterthought, so too were many of Vanessa's scenes. I imagine that the Cos, possibly done banging interns for the day ~ we may never know for sure, dreamed up children for his show with whom he could interact. Vanessa simply reeks of calculated decision. She had no character arc that showed any sort of growth or depth. What happened to her in the end, she got engaged or some shit? The show wouldn't have suffered in the least if Vanessa had decided to ram her head up a horse's ass and speak her muffled lines until she suffocated. Actually, that may have been a good idea.

Who's the Boss?



JONATHAN BOWER

Who's the shit character on this show? Jonathan! Or, as mouth-breather dishpan-head Tony Danza would have pronounced it: John-a-tun. Jonathan was another character that ultimately was never needed by the show. While at the brainstorming for the show, some soulless TV writer probably suggested that Tony needed to have a boy who could look up to him. Nobody could have foreseen the hideous fucking lurch of a squeaky-voiced Danny Pintauro who would shatter picture-tubes the nation over. I'm surprised the writers never included multiple scenes where Jonathan is viciously mauled by a schizophrenic AIDS pitbull. He could have at least died to the satisfaction of the viewing audience AND brought attention to two diseases much misunderstood at the time and dangerous dogs.

Instead, he got beat up at school and Tony tried to teach him to box and clobbered the kid. Nice!

Growing Pains



BEN SEAVER

Ah yes, Danny Pintauro's clone on essentially Who's the Boss' clone, Ben Seaver was another shitty godawful character. Played with all the grace of a stoned and wounded elephant by congenital retard Jeremy Miller, Ben proved once again that interesting characters are hard to come by on TV shows. Being nothing more than an annoying eating machine in the early seasons, it must have come as yet another cruel blow to his character's existence that he ended up playing second banana to walk on character Luke, played by Leonardo "So glad you fucking drowned in that movie" DiCaprio. Tracey Gold who played older sister Carol, had a much better character arc when Tracey was literally dieing from puking up her food too much. All the writer's needed was an episode called "The Ben Who Stopped the War". Maggie and Jason could have been arguing over Mike's brutal conversion to ultra-christianity, each attack on the other escalating in immaturity and violence. Ultimately, Jason would erect a massive snow-fort which Maggie would be determined to conquer. In the end, only the collapse of the snow-fort upon a sleeping Ben, ugly little bastard that he is, would bring the war to its end. Then Mike would fart and the credits would roll.

Full House



STEPHANIE TANNER

Just a simple one here. Stephanie Tanner. No fucking personality on the show and that damn phrase "How rude!" could be used to execute prisoners with repeated playings. Jodie Sweetin turned out rather "sweetin" though. Anyway, Michelle could have been cutely heating unopened cans of Campbell's Chunky Steak and Potato on the oven when Stephanie rushed in to save her just before it exploded in a gooey grade-D meatbomb all over her. Her ruined face would force her to become the world's youngest crystal-meth addict just to cope with each painful day. Oh wait, art and life collide head on...

And that folks is how 80's television needs to be rewritten. At least on Family Guy, the writers recognize that the annoying unnecessary character is Meg and treat her accordingly. If these television shows had done it, Battle-Beasts included, maybe, just maybe, the United States could have defeated Communism world-wide a couple of days sooner.

We may never know.