Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Another problem that is creeping up on this forum that should be rightfully nipped in the bud is the failed art of the insult. Most people on here try it, most people on here fail miserably at it. The Comment Corner is proud to present some handy tips that one should keep in mind when trying an amateur hand at insulting.

Originality counts. I'll repeat that. Originality counts. For those of you out there who annoint the eyes of readers with banal theft, stop it. This theme will be revisted in later points, but for now, let's focus on inventing new insults with which to attack others. Consequently, please avoid the following common pitfalls which marks the insulter as of low rank and reduces him/her to laughingstock.

1. Virgin posts. Ah yes, the tried and true test of someone's appeal; their ability to fuck, get fucked or have fuck. This primal urge is way overused by the rank amateur as a basis for insult. It is cliche and expected. Nobody will take your insult seriously, ESPECIALLY if you compound the weakness by stating, explicitly or by insinuation, that the insultee masturbates as a result of no boffin'. IF you must go this route, spice it up with something like, "No woman would accept Ziggy's beer-foam seed as it burns skin and smells like lacquer." Something people don't see coming (that's a pun folks).

2. Masturbation posts. Come on folks, lets use some imagination here. Wanking, jerking off and pulling the pud are all G-rated insults. They're weak and uninspired. Instead of typing "You're probably jerking your dick right now," get creative! Try "burping the zipper-monkey" or "making the Devil sneeze milk."

3. Nerd posts. These insults imply the insultee also socially fails to understand social situations and renders themselves ostracised. Such common cliche examples to be avoided are: references to science-fiction shows, movies or books, fantasy movies, role-playing games, video games or living in their parent's basement. Folks, these have all been done way before you tried it. A more mainstream approach to implying social ostracism is the order of the day. Whereas before you would have trotted out the "You speak Klingon at the movies. Loser" you could be creative and write, "Oh, and by the way, stop sending me your Lost/X-Men crossover fanfiction. It reads poorly and it bores me."

4. Name-calling. Again, Derby was creative with his fuck- series. Fuckwit, fucktard etc and is to be congratulated. A stern chastising to the rest of us who have shamefully cribbed from that. Again, be creative! Try and tailor the insult to the insultee. Dummy Matt, Otto or Supertard, Man of Stupid are all good examples.

5. Catch-phrases. Problematic. They can be funny when used immediately after they become catch-phrases but they wear out quickly. Also, it's a lot funnier when Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart or Kevin Smith says something. It's not so funny when you blindly repeat it. As a special note, can we finally lay the term "NOT!" to rest? It's done. Just let it be.

6. Homosexuality post. This relates to the virgin post and implies that the insultee is unable to fuck women and must resort to fucking other men, or vice-versa depending on the gender of the insultee. When was the last time somebody on here tried to insult somebody else by calling them a "chick-fucker"? There's also something to be said for the viciousness of the term used to describe the homosexuality; psychology will tell you that most people insult others out of a belief in face-mirroring and base their insults on what would insult them, the insulter, the most. Got a need to drill somebody about being gay? Guess what is says about you!

7. Spelling and grammar. Hit or miss folks. Seriously. Most times it can be overlooked or regarded as petty UNLESS it directly relates to the matter at hand. Stating somebody is doesn't have much intelligents? Well, the irony of that statement can't be passed up.

I'm sure this list will need to be revisted with amendments and suggestions, but for now, it's a beginner's guide to advanced insulting. The Comment Corner, your ray of light in a dark, scary world.