Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

I actually had a different article lined up, but then I read Gangstalking's site and I laughed my fucking head off.

Imagine this. You're a uniform cop. You've trained for months, you've been itching to get into the whole business and run through Dodge City like a cowboy. Today, as rookie, it's your turn to man the front desk. In walks the biggest wingnut you're likely to see for a donkey's age. Her hair is unkempt, she smells like cat-piss and she's got a fiery batshittia in her eyes. She demands to have a report taken.

Upon sitting her down, she tells you that strangers look at her. Different strangers doing different things, but it's all connected and the same! She tells you that Rogers, the cable company, is putting transducers in her floor to make her ill because she has knowledge that sometimes they refund money for errantly charged porn. (Editor's Note: Teddy Rogers doesn't have money to be making happy-fingers vibrating floors in your cheap motel of an apartment you ignorant twit, he's got starting pitchers to sign and cash to save for Vernon Wells. You're not more important than Vernon.) She hands you wikipedia information on transducers to boot. She tells you that there are strangers using East German hand-signals she looked up on the internet in this very station!

On and on and on this lady goes. The illuminati have seized control of city watch programs, of which Ted Rogers is High Moon Druidess, and it's being subverted to jingle car keys from across the street.

She demands to know your name, your badge, your rank. Then the fucking wingnut asks you what today's date is. You respond November whatever, 2006. She screams it's 1974 and we're in the Mekong Delta!

At what point do you, as the poor rookie cop, laugh out loud and start looking for the hidden camera?

By the by, when you're accusing somebody of saying Rogers 9,000 times, take a long hard look at the conversation. I betcha it went something like this:

Batshit Insane Gangstalking With Her Army of Mental Demons (BIGWHAMD): Is that a Bell phone there CSIS Masonic Knight Templar Martian Moon Daddy East German Stasi Internet Rocket Elephant Bug?

Poor Adult Who Sat Unfortunately Near (PAWSUN): No, it's a Rogers phone.

BIGWHAMD: Oh, so it's not Bell?

PAWSUN: No, it's, uh, like I said, it's a Rogers. (Inches away)

BIGWHAMD: Bell sells cell phones you know.

PAWSUN: Um....so does Rogers. See? Here's one. (Looks to make sure desk cop has gun)

BIGWHAMD: Bell.

PAWSUN: No, it's a Rogers. It says Rogers on the phone.

BIGWHAMD: Bell? Bell Bell. Bell Bell Bell Bell. Bell?

PAWSUN: Okay, uh, what are you doing? I'm pretty sure I said it was a Rogers.

BIGWHAMD: (Thinking) How odd of him to keep mentioning Rogers. OH MY! A gangstalker! Look how fidgety he is! He knows I'm on to him and now he has to make good his escape! I should bite him and keep a small sample of his blood in my mouth for future reference.

PAWSUN: (Thinking) What the hell smells like cat piss?

Gangstalking folks, just another night of the Batshit Insane Comedy Jam. Live here at the Comment Corner.