Comment Corner

Folks,

Before anybody blows an eyeball thinking I'm about to prison-rape Dr. Seuss, calm the fuck down. Somebody's already plowed that tender ass and left it looking like a blasted train-tunnel through a rocky mountain. Actually, Dr. Seuss is pretty much invulnerable to criticism anyway. No matter how many times you tell people that the green pants in "What was I scared of?" were predictive of a child's night at Michael Jackson's ranch, nobody cares.

Instead, what sort of shitty books I'm talking about are those fucked up books you used to read as a kid near the ages of 7-10. Ever have parents cleaning out the basement and they notice a box of books you used to have but rather than doing the intelligent thing like flinging them onto the street, they drop them off and you're stuck going around the neighbourhood sticking them into other people's newspapers like they were a free insert?

Well, I haven't.

But, if I did, and had I read a few of them on the crapper, I would have noticed just how pathetic these books are. I had a bunch of Nintendo World of Power books. Essentially, these books were forced novelizations of various Nintendo games, written by retards that believed in magic, love and that a basket of puppies was the greatest force against evil. For instance, in Castlevania 2, the hero is a fucking geek who manages to get the hottest chick in school to ask HIM out because he knows where to find cheap Nintendo games. But, because he's so good at Castlevania, Simon Belmont sucks him into a Castlevania to help him fight Dracula. Simon Belmont is portrayed as a Ukranian kid's guess at what a knight should sound like, except it isn't consistent. "Thou art"s quickly stumble into "Sweet Jesus ya honkey bitch!" as other scraps of cancelled novels hastily got stitched into the plot. Eventually, the hero from Earth kills Dracula with fucking puns. That's right. Puns. Lord of Darkness, soul sold to Satan, killed thousands, can't handle a shitty joke.

God damn. Otherwise, kids have to read stories about magical unicorns only they can see that follow them to school, or finding a doll that lets people eavesdrop on anybody if they imagine their name. Gah.

So, after such a long, rambling and probably boring introduction, I wrote some of my own children's short stories to give kids a better sense of reality.

The Wonderful Unicorn of Zazzamafrazz

Little Stacey McMutchen was on safari with her dad in Africa. Her dad told her, "Stacey, don't pet the wild animals!" But Stacey loved animals. At home, she had a turtle, a chicken, a dog, two cats, two mice, another turtle and a hamster. So, Stacey wandered away from her dad and found an odd horse drinking from a stream. It was twice her height! It wasn't striped like a zebra, but a bright, white colour! It had a horn growing out of it's forehead! "Are you a unicorn?" asked Stacey. Luckily, the unicorn had been taught English by British colonials. "I am," said the unicorn, "My name is Shinelove, I come from Zazzamafrazz, but I don't know how to get back home! May I live with you?" "Sure!" said Stacey, "I'm alone here too, I could use a friend." Just then, a crack rang out! Shinelove's head blew out sideways, showering Stacey with mung. Two poachers came up, sawed off Shinelove's horn and drove away in a jeep. Later that night, Stacey's dad, Mr. McMutchen, ate the powdered horn and had freaky sex with an indentured servant.

Justin in the Land of the Metroids

Justin liked video games. He was pretty good at them and all his friends agreed that nobody could play Metroid quite like he could. He could beat it forwards, backwards and one time made it to Ripley using nothing but his feet! One day, while eating pancakes for breakfast, a strange portal opened up in Justin's kitchen. Out stepped a lady wearing big armour with a cannon for a hand! "I'm Samus, are you Justin?" "I sure am!" said Justin, hurridley swallowing his pancakes, "Do you need me to go through that interdimensional vortex-warp with you to fight Motherbrain?" "No," said Samus, "I just came here to tell you you're a fag." Then she clicked a panel on her forearm and the portal disappeared.

Through the Locker Glass

Brad and his younger sister Lucy were having a hard time fitting in at their new school. Their dad moved them around a lot as he was always switching jobs. Each year, there might be a new school, always a new home and always having to make new friends. Brad and Lucy learned that sometimes, brothers and sisters have to be the best of friends! Their new school was Salem Elementary, located in Salem, Massachusetts. The kids tried to scare Brad and Lucy by telling them that there was a portal to the underworld in Lucy's locker! Brad and Lucy didn't believe them. Brad was really into science and knew it wasn't possible. He kept telling Lucy, but sometimes, if she got a scary idea in her head, it was hard to get her to forget it. One day, Brad went to get Lucy at her locker. Written in blood on the locker was, "We have Lucy, come into the locker if you dare!" Brad opened the locker door as fast as he could and jumped inside! Then some older kids locked him in the locker and took turns peeing into the bottom of it. Brad went home mad at Lucy and hit her with one of his piss-shoes.

The Wonderful Unicorn of Zazzamafrazz 2: Shinelove Returns!

Stacey McMutchen had just started her first year at junior high! She and all her girlfriends were really excited, especially Stacey! She was really good at making friends. One time, on safari with her dad in Africa, Stacey had made friends with a unicorn from Zazzamafrazz named Shinelove. Shinelove had gotten sick in Africa and couldn't come back to the United States with her. One day, when Stacey had just settled into bed, she heard a rap-tap-tap at her bedroom window. Curiously, she got up and went over to the window to see who it was. To her great delight, it was Shinelove! He had a bandage around his head and was still missing his horn. "Shinelove! I'm so glad to see you! I didn't think you were alive!" Stacey exclaimed, clasping her hands at her heart. Shinelove returned, "What the hell bitch? Did you even check for a pulse?" "Well, you didn't seem well and I ran home," Stacey stammered. "Yeah, yeah thanks. Did my shattered skull ruin your Gap pants or something? You know, you know, I was actually going to come back home with you and my horn would have glowed if you whispered the name of a boy to see if he had a crush on you, but you know what? Forget it. Forget everything. If it's all about Stacey, then little Stacey can just figure it the hell out. Thanks for nothing. Whore. By the way, unicorn horns don't cause power-boners. That's just ridiculous. Tell your dad. Slut." Shinelove then galloped into the distance.