Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Well folks, it's that time of year again. Time to festoon the house with poisonous poinsetta, burn a turkey in the oven, spill rum-soaked eggnog on the kids and throw up Chex-Mix in the neighbour's mailbox. Yup, it's Christmas time!

And what a magical time of year this can be! The glowing wonder of a child who angrily kicks back a perfectly good pocket sudoku game because it’s not a fucking Wii, the wife not impressed with the impressive Simonize Powerwasher picked up at Canadian Tire tomorrow afternoon on the way to the LCBO, the cashier at Rogers asking you for the ninth time if you meant to get the Widescreen version of A Scanner Darkly (well, that doesn’t have admittedly too much to do with Christams, but for heaven’s sake, yes, I meant to get the fucking widescreen version). All of these things creating a world of whimsy, joy and festive spirit.

Unless you have a good parking spot at the mall. This is where you can truly see the Christmas spirit come alive and well as complete strangers will Kumite each other right then and there for your spot. I’ve often thought about selling my parking spot to the highest bidder, figuring I could get maybe $20. Well, I screwed up the courage to do it and I actually made $35 and a free look at some titties. Then I walked away from the stranger’s car I was standing beside, leaving a shirtless and bewildered soccer-mom gaping away. Wow, that was some festive fucking swearing from that dipshit moron. Where do people get the nerve to fucking swear come Christmas?

Actually, I think people get the nerve to swear since Christmas has basically officially dropped the boring Christ component from the Holiday. If you check out the holiday movie fare, you’ll notice that Santa Claus, Rudolph and Chevy Chase earn much higher rotation as typical station fare than Jesus. The problem is that the story of Jesus is an old one. Spooky God-Father knocks up Mary without actually doing the deed, kid gets born in a manger and later dies in a movie by Mel Gibson. Jerry Springer has the same chicks with the same baby-stories on his show every day. It’s tired.

Jesus needs a brand new image to reinvent himself. It worked for Batman, kinda Superman, mostly King Kong but not Godzilla. A fresh return to the screen in a retelling or, reimagining of an old tale. This time, Jesus’ superpowers come from his beard and he hides in a forest in Nazareth, robbing the Romans and giving to the poor. When Pontius Pilate discovers plutonium and concocts a plan to create an army of super-centurions, only Jesus can stop him in time. Coupled with a plucky sidekick named Powerboy, Jesus and Powerboy chase Pontius Pilate back to Rome in a prototype stealth-chariot.

Once in Rome, Jesus falls in love with Claire Danes because her movie career is almost dead and she would star in crap like this. Claire later realizes she can never stay with a superhero needed by the world and departs. Her final scene is her smiling on a boat holding her belly as the ship sails into the sunset. Fuck you Bryan Singer, I can do this too!

In a climactic duel with a plutonium-powered resurrected Julius Caesar, Powerboy is killed, but only before Jesus swears his revenge on the Romans. With his laser breath, he kills Julius Caesar and puts that famous crack into the Coliseum. After sharing a final moment with Casaer, Jesus returns to Nazareth, shaves off his superpower beard so he can live among the mortals and walks off into the sunset.

Before we fade to black-out, we see a sign that reads: 2000 years later. A chubbier, older Jesus in a new red-suit with a long white beard is organizing elves (who dress like Powerboy) to make toys for children before he flies them out on his plutonium-powered reindeer. Just as Jesus Claus goes to board his sleigh, a great crack is heard in the distance…it’s the Atlanteans, come from the future to steal Earth’s water! Jesus Claus flies into the air and darts away as triumphic music plays, inevitably setting up the sequel.

Jesus also drinks a lot of Coca-Cola Blak throughout the film.

Merry Christmas!