Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

Honestly, do we really need to be debating certain things in our society? Instead of focusing on whether or not Happy Holidays is any less offensive than Merry Christmas, we should instead be wondering if Britney Spears wakes up each morning to wipe off what colour of crotch pus.

Lord knows I've got a $50 riding on yellow and I don't need mindless interruption because some nativity scene at a mall forgot to include a map to the Kwanza display down the road at the Speedy Muffler.

I'm not religious and frankly, I don't give two steaming shits if people want to keep on wishing each other a Merry Christmas. I would give two stone cold shits to watch Lauren Conrad eat bacon off of Bionic Woman's ass. But no knife and fork, that's cheating.



Editor's Note: Probably worth more than two stone-cold shits.

So what is it about Christmas trees that causes people to shit their pants? Unless there's been a Jewish conspiracy to grow pine-trees which emit airborne Ex-Lax, everybody's asses should remain relatively shit-free.

Folks, it's foolish to believe that avoiding saying "Merry Christmas" is going to actually accomplish anything. Not saying those words doesn't actually change the holiday, it just demonstrates that the person avoiding wishing somebody a Merry Christmas is a retard. Also, it doesn't logically follow that if a Mormon is accidently wished a Merry Christmas, he's going to rush out and change the name of his next 14 year old bride to Christmas to fulfill your evil request. He's probably too busy fist-sodomizing his two wives who darn the socks anyway.

Editor's note: Speaking of fist-sodomy, faithful Mormon men would probably appreciate a new wrist-watch from you for Christams.

Also, there's nothing wrong with having Christmas concerts at the public school. Once again, singing "Come all ye faithful" is not going to permanently imprint "Christ is the One True Saviour" into the impressionable minds of kids whose religions are filed under "Other" in the census. If that were the case, Christmas songs being played on the radio would have already murdered the faith of others in this country and we wouldn't be having this debate at all, would we?



Moving onto to the next argument foisted by the United Anti-Christmas League is that those who aren't Christian would feel excluded from society. Somebody shove a wreath of holly up their ass for me, would you? I don't want to spill my eggnog.

The idea that the celebration of any one thing excluding another is ridiculous. Every year, everybody has a birthday celebration which focuses solely on one person. According to the above shitty "Mario Lopez Stupid Enough" TM logic, birthdays too are exclusive. I might even pause while eating my birthday cake and reading my iPod Touch manual to note that somebody who wasn't me killed themselves because my birthday wasn't their's.

Have their been any succesful lawsuits from non-Christians who are mad-as-Jesus that society has booted them to the gutter because for a month there were extra-lights strung around the lamp-posts? If there were, may I have the name of that lawyer? I got fucked over at the dry-cleaners.

Simply put, I don't feel excluded from Jewish celebrations because I'm not Jewish. I don't feel excluded from Muslim celebrations because I'm not Muslim. I do feel (and am) excluded from KKK celebrations because I refuse to get drunk and burn down the Jewish and Muslim celebrations. Also, I would burn down an Ottawa Senators celebration without getting drunk because I would want to enjoy myself. And if I don't mind, nobody else would either then.

Editor's Note: There's no fear of a Leaf celebration getting burned down anytime soon.

So what does this all mean? It means that we, as a society, need to fucking relax about certain things. Merry Christmas is not the end of the world, that's the Rapture. The act of wishing somebody else good-tidings, in whatever verbal form you choose shouldn't require judicial intervention (unless it's accompanied by a hail of gunfire). So man up, bite your tongue nay-sayers and have yourself some Happy Holidays!

Seasons Greetings from the Corner!