Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

I'm only half done the next article and I'm a busy fucking man so I don't know when I'll get to it after this. However, since waiting on edge for an update to the Comment Corner is a fate worse than keeping your feet plunged in a bucket of warm vomit for some of you, here's this one:

COMMENT CORNER ASSIGNS LETTER GRADES TO VARIOUS ITEMS IN YOUR LIFE

Here at the Corner, I firmly believe in consumer advocacy. I hate getting bitched around at some soulless box-store, library or community pool by some asshole whom I should legally have the ability to dispatch from this world due to my complete "total-package" awesomness outweighing their anchorous pull on the leg of society.

BESTBUY'S IN-STORE CREDIT-CARD



There's nothing worse than buying some overpriced piece of shit at BestBuy from some blue-shirted fuckface just to have some yellow-shirted shitbastard also trying to lure you into usurious credit-cards with the tasty gift of a 2 litre bottle of pop. You can thank him for the horrendous bills crippling your family's financial stability. Guess you'll wash away the pain of having to sell your children into white-slavery with your free bottle of Mugg's rootbeer. Once your sitting in your beaten recliner watching a PS3 on a large LCD tv, you can thank that greasy bastard who talked you into the credit-card for the angina you're massaging.

GRADE: D+

VOLKSWAGEN JETTA



There's nothing inherently wrong with these cars. It's the fucking Jetta drivers in the world which need to be rolled down hills in flaming port-a-potties. There's this mystique that if you buy the cheapest piece of shizer car from Germany, you're automatically entered in the Mercedes Benz Douch club. You're not. Jetta drivers secretly believe that they've managed to buy this elite vehicle at a low price. They believe they're geniuses for paying extra on the German Sunfire. Consequently, they drive like they're superior to everybody on the road even though a casual review of their driving habits would reveal them to be less effective than a blown-out rectum gripping a pencil.

Note to retard Jetta drivers. By purchasing a Jetta you don't osmose Formula 1 skills, Mercedes allure or Ted Rogersesque financial genius.

GRADE: D-

STEPHEN KING'S LISEY'S STORY



Ever been talking with somebody when a small belch flies out of your mouth? You know, it escapes as a whispy wind like exhale, but it stinks of pate, hotdogs or whatever it is you've been eating? That's what this book is. Normally, Stephen King is a good writer. The Dark Tower septilogy should be required reading in kindergarten. This book, however, is a disjointed, poorly narrated, stream of conciousness piece of absolute dog-shit. You'd have a better read on your hands if you knocked down a magazine rack at the fucking grocery store and then read all the blown-in subscription cards in a random order. I don't know what Stephen King was going for in this novel, but it also has the further pleasure of appearing to be a literary ass-kissing for his wife while he was a mangled van-cripple in the hospital.

GRADE: D

Folks, there are three things you should keep in mind when you're out there in life. Unlike Consumer Reports, my advice is both stellar and free. How can you go wrong?