Comment Corner

Folks,

We're all different on this planet. Now, I'm not going to pull some hippie love shit and tell you that differences make us strong; I'm not even going to give you some common sense advice like don't stir old paint with your dick. Hell, if you need advice about what NOT to do with your dick, like test wall-sockets, hit a tennis-ball or do the drum solo from NIN's Perfect Drug, you shouldn't be reading this. Well, you're probably not anyway, you're probably swinging your dick into the monitor.

Where was I? Right, we're all different, but there are some commonalities that bind us, draw us together and remind us that we're all actually one. I think I heard Dr. Phil say that before he smashed Robin one in the mouth when she embarassed him from her back-audience perch once too many times. Here are some things we can all agree are dumber than snagging your lip on a passing ye olde stage-coach cuz honestly, where the hell are those things anymore?

BULLSHIT ACTION SCENE KNOCKOUTS

Specifically, Bionic Woman. But here's the scenario. Hero plunges headlong into danger and is surrounded by a gaggle of henchmen paid enough money to suffer any sort of beating in the name of evil. Hero begins to engage the first goon and wails the shit right out of his face. However, something miraculous happens just as goon number 2 begins to attack. The hero decides he's beaten the first goon's face like he owed him money enough and somehow delivers the knockout blow before starting a series of dick-kicks to the second one. This knockout blow manages to floor goon 1 out cold for 2 minutes, 10 minutes, 3 hours...however long it takes for the hero to escape.

What in the fuck? If you watch the original melee between hero and goon 1, you'll notice that the 900 rabbit punches to goon 1's face only ever really fazed him. He staggered a bit, but it's not until hero flips him up and over onto an attractive decorative table which smashes way underneath him, that he gets knocked out. What the hell is up with that? How does landing on a table knock you the fuck out Jamie Sommers?

I get it that there's supposed to be a suspension of disbelief, but sometimes, it gets to be too much, like Isaiah Washington dressing up as a Freddy Mercury/Dumbledore for Hallowe'en. Is it too much that the hero bashes the crunch out of a bad guy and then, rather than get ko'd, the bad guy henchman.....runs the fuck away because the lousy cut he's getting isn't enough to endure 22 jump-kicks to the side of his head?

MYSTERIOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCIES

How many shows/books/movies out there rely now on some new mysterious and shadowy government agency that really doesn't have a defined purpose, but has a massive budget and free reign to cause chaos like fucking Amadeus wherever they go? It's too much.

LAW & ORDER

Remember when this show started? Usually, it was a straight-forward murder case with perhaps either a legal or moral wrinkle. Ben Stone, homo, or his successor Jack McCoy navigated the murky waters and brought home some common sense justice.

That's right out the window more than OJ's hope for a fair and impartial trial. Now Manhattan County DA's are indicting Slavic warlords for crimes against humanity, overturning any number of post 9-11 kneejerk laws or declaring the recount of the 2000 election to be retroactively binding and hasta la vista George W. Bush, you can clear out the last two bits of brush on Crawford you didn't manage to get during your 7 months a year of vacation.

There's a reason why the show's burning out...they're trying waaaaay too hard. And if you've run out of small moral, legal or ethical wrinkles, cancel the fucking show. If Futurama got cancelled, so too can mighty Law & Order.

Although the parade of overly hot Assistant DA's was awesome.

THAT GODDAMN VERIZON AD WHERE THE DAD WALKS AROUND HIS HOUSE HANDING OUT THE LATEST AND GREATEST SAMSUNG PHONES TO HIS FAMILY

This ad steams my piss. Kids don't need a cellphone. Most of them need a swift chung in the back of the head with a heavy dictionary. Dad, dipshit, even gives a cellphone to his 8 year old son. Who the fuck is his son calling, Henry Kissinger? He's texting Stephen Colbert to talk him through the Writer's Guild Strike? He's an 8 year old that's most likely going to lose the goddamn thing or run up a $9000 phone bill by being constantly connected to boobs.com during math.

Good for him.

WOMEN WITH ULTRA ABSORBANT TAMPONS THAT WEAR A LOT OF WHITE AND EXERCISE

These ads have the potential to be goddamn hilarious, but no exec will greenlight the good ad. Rather than showing the tampon absorbing that ridiculous blue-water, show one of these ladies in white stretch-pants cartwheel past the camera. Then show a lady with a competitor's tampon do a cartwheel, but her white stretch-pants should be an absolute mess of blood. It should look like she murdered an elephant. Then, she should just sob into her hands.

That would make for an awesome commercial.

That's it, I'm bored and don't have an ending yet again. Pissles!