Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks, damn I'm lazy.

Here's poor Kevlarman getting his fat tits whipped like the delicious butter he so dangerously loves.

BIG FAT MAN WITH BIG FAT IDEAS ABOUT HISTORY CONTACTS, CONFUSES INTERNET

Kevlar “Dangerously sized waistline” Man has recently discovered the internet as a willing repository for his big fat ideas about history. From his Rascal-brand motorized wheelchair, he sits at his oversized fat-finger keyboard and waxes philosophic, but not factually, about America and its history.

“Typing stuff about history is tiring. Sometimes, I’ll go through a 2-litre bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red just typing about that time that General Harry S. Truman crossed the Delaware River during the War of 1812. A lot of people don’t know that, and I’m usually able to catch dumb thin people off-guard. It’s hard though, sometimes if a paragraph goes on longer than 4 sentences, I’ll start to get fiery pains down my left arm, so I have to rest for a bit, kind of like when I eat 3 Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes. Those are good but I’ll only order them from the Taco Bell/KFC combo spots so I can get the KFC gravy too.” Kevlarman than let loose a massive belch which rippled his chins and forced the Rascal backwards.

“America keeps Canada alive. Did you know that? I read it on a White Castle placemat one time. Also, America doesn’t like to get involved in foreign wars. 1,000 years ago, the earliest American Kings kept America out of the Crusades into China. Boy, Alexander Pope sure was mad they didn’t heed his Popely call to war! But it illustrates my point that America doesn’t like foreign wars, much like my belly has managed to fray the top of my sweatpants. It sure is a pain gettin’ in and out of these pants all the time. Damn, I’m sweating just thinking about it.”

Other historians don’t necessarily share Kevlarman’s unique and often times invented view of the history of American foreign policy. Cecil Fennington, Chair of History at Cornell University, commented, “After having read Kevlarman’s most well-defined theories about American history, I can only conclude that he has the cognitive grasp of the subject one would expect from a grossly obese 3 year old. He’s able to successfully understand that America is a country and that the rest of the world is not America, but that’s about as far as that goes. Otherwise, he’s plowing through Chicken McNuggets at least a dozen times a day trying to get the Footlocker discount sticker. What for? So he can crush a pair of Nike Shox dirt-cheap? Goddamn he’s fat. When somebody showed me his picture, I asked if there was an earthquake because he was all blurry, but then I was told his fat was just caught in a slight breeze.”

Kevlarman remained unperturbed by the discounting of his theories by respected academic historians. “What makes them right and me wrong? Nothing. They pull out some moldy old treatise or paper and expect me to believe them? Fuck that. Like Grover Cleveland said in the Bible during his Sermon on the Mount, ‘I ain’t nothin’ but a hounddog, cryin’ all the time.’ Yeah. Think about it.”

Amid the general confusion Kevlarman has caused the internet historical society, his missteps continued to grow, much like his risk for stroke, heart attack and adult-onset diabetes. Attacking two others on the internet, Kevlarman drew upon the mighty wit which has crippled approximately nobody according to recent expert estimates. With his big fat wit in hand, he accused the two of being gay.

“I knew that dropping that bomb would be a big blow to them, much like finding out that I’ve tripled my risk of deep-vein thrombosis in the past year due to my complete lack of exercise. But, like when Kennedy ended the Korean War by dropping that atomic bomb named Fatman on Nagasaki in China, even if his vice-president Chester A. Arthur said not to,I knew it was the right thing to do. Incidently, did you know that Chester A. Arthur, our 290th President, bought Hawaii from the Scottish in 1635? No, you probably didn’t.”

In the end, much like his appetite for Doritos, there’s no end in sight for his current slate of historical blunders.

When asked for comment, Dayseed simply responded, “Who? Boob-ilicious? Whatever.”