Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics, this is supposed to be the Comment Corner Weekly Poster Awards, but I got doing a Crossword scratch ticket, I don't feel like doing them and Dummy Matt already has enough awards chronicling how stupid he is so I'm skipping them.

The Dead Art of Conversation Part II: Ellen Degeneres Sucks

Last time on the Comment Corner, we cornered the comments on the dead art of conversation and how the majority of exchanges between people can be summarized as somebody saying something, anything, stupid or intelligent, assinine or insightful, Voltairish or Judge Joe Brownish to have the response be something affirming whatever the first part was. I blamed this on people being unable to accept criticism and other people being conditioned to dole out horsepuckey affirmation rather than speak their minds.

But, there is a force out there which epitomizes this very thought. There lurks among us a force so sinister, so insidious, so shittily dressed that the very mention of her name is enough to bring a forced "Oh yeah, I like her" Pavlovian response.

Fear:



This soul-sucking harpy befouls televisions every afternoon. Her biggest crime, aside from that spasmodic drunken lurching around her audience with her eyes closed and her hands folded into dance-fists to crappy music, is that each and every thing on her show affirms something. That's right, there can't ever be a moment where somebody might utter something which would render somebody else even momentarily uncomfortable. Somebody could bomb a huge shit into her coffee cup before air, wipe their ass on her cue-cards and knock down Portia de Rossi with a poopy shove and Ellen would mug a stupid fucking grin into the camera, dart her eyes furtively around her audience searching for anybody uncomfortable while stammering over her words before she said, "After the break, Brad Garrett will be by and he'll be washing windshields for nickels. Tee hee."

There is zero confrontation on the Ellen Degeneres show. Unlike say, the Howard Stern Show which if it can't generate a fight between guests, will instigate fights between cast members. Howard Stern, for the record, got $500 million. Ellen got an American Express and an iPod. Guess which one sucks? If you answered CSI: Miami, you're right! Screw you Horatio.

And if the art of conversation isn't being squashed completely, there are other daytime hosts all too ready to out-affirm the Ellen show. Tony Danza, dick, is trying to be the warmest host out there, recently hugging Wayne Brady's Smileshine Hour or whatever the fuck his show was right out of the running. Montel Williams, who at least used to have hookers specializing in butt stuff on his show, now has that fat-assed psychic who routinely claims that everybody's relatives are in heaven and are proud. Rosie O'Donnell used to have too much Elmo on her show and would rig trivia contests so her stupid guests would always win the shitty prize. Regis and Kelly? A pair of smarmy asskissers looking to start your day off with telling you that you too can cook crap because Regis put on an apron and shouted at the camera.

At night, we have at least a small reprieve. Dave Letterman and Jon Stewart do what they can to combat the juggernaut of bad haircut, Jay Leno. Leno's success is most likely due to his overwhelming affirmation of anything on the show. Kevin Eubanks fucked up another note? Who cares? Here's a goofy headline!

This is entirely too much forced nicety for society to handle and it's dumbing down the population, forcing people into accepting and reinforcing even more nicety. It's got to stop before the entire continent becomes drowned in this forced tepid reception of shitty ideas.

Otherwise, Rosie O'Donnell will join the cast of the View fulltime. Oh......shit........