Comment Corner

Folks,

Despite having only four minutes to save the world, there’s been a few things on my mind that continue to percolate. Common things. Things that you and I both know are total horseshit, but in the amounts that you could easily hide a small child inside all the horseshit. Also, a child hidden under mounds of horseshit should probably have a straw to breathe. I’m just thinking ahead.

PRETENTIOUS GAELIC NAMES

This one has really been frosting my bush lately. It seems as though every white couple out there has become beholden to the trend of foisting gaelic names on children who aren’t in the least bit gaelic. Kieran, Keegan, Kalen, Kaleb, Kylan, Kougar, Kumface and Mortal Kombat all seem to be the rage nowadays. Go to any kid party and all these little fuckers are just running rampant through the place. And if you ask the parents, Tom and Jody, why the hell they picked a cultural name out of their asses, they’ll usually claim that some grandfather or other distant relative once took a dump in a Welsh Inn 300 years ago.

It’s bullshit. Why gaelic? Why not Jewish too? I’d like to visit Brad and Vicky Robinson and meet their son Mordecai. It’s the same ridiculous logic, but Jewish names never seem to make the cut outside of Jewish people. Ditto Brad and Vicky’s other daughter, Moleequa. How come I didn’t meet her? Maybe their other son Chico?

See the inherent bullshit? It’s yet another attempt for pretentious parents to pass off a “special” name on an otherwise loser child to bolster the kid on the old “Special-ometer”. They can’t flat out call the kid “Special”. There won’t be a Special Williams enrolling at a school near you, ever, but the parents secretly want you to make that inference, so they pick a fucking asswipe name from a safely white culture and then hose it down your throat with a side order of shitola.

GODDAMN CLICHÉ NEW ANGLE

This one is certainly bringing my piss to a rolling boil. Car crashes used to be filmed in a myriad ways before the movie Adaptation. But, near the end of that movie, they shock the living shit out of you by keeping a close camera angle inside the car with the car’s occupants. Then, WHAMMO! The car gets crunched worse than Jesus’ wrists getting nailed to the fucking cross. By keeping that claustrophobic angle from within the car, you got sucked into being surprised by the crash as well.

Now Hollywood has no fucking clue how else to film a car crash. It’s the newest cliché. If you’re watching something from Hollywood, and the angle is tightly kept in the car with little environment being shown around the occupants, EXPECT a good goddamn car crash. The suspense is completely sucked out of the scene now more than the creativity will be in the shitty new Sex & the City movie. Fuck Carrie; put Chris Noth back on Law & Order: CI.

Why does Hollywood seem to whore itself to one trend after another? Isn’t Katie Holmes a big enough one?

CELEBRITY VERSIONS OF GAMESHOWS

I like gameshows. There’s something inherently interesting in some average American slob risking his integrity to win some shitty prizes. Some are rather benign, like Wheel of Fortune. But the Price is Right, Jeopardy and Family Feud all up the ante a bit to really allow yourself to be embarrassed.

So, wait until the new crop of Who Wants to be a Millionaire rip-off shows come down hard. These are the shows which rely on the suspense of advancing a dollar amount towards a million bucks. The game can be deceptively simple, like Deal or No Deal, or fucked beyond belief, like that Truth one. Any way these games are played is irrelevant. What makes me shit sideways are dumbass celebrity versions where I have to put up with a shit B-list has-been guffawing his way in between questions. Like on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? I don’t give a flaming fuck how smart Regis Philbin is. I’d have more respect if he had slapped Kathie-Lee in the face on-air with his dong when she was getting frothy on the show than to know if he knows who got caught tossing Ben Franklin’s salad at Independence Hall. (Answer: George Washington with his wooden teeth)

Get these fucking asshole celebrities off game-shows and back into embarrassing rehab photos where they belong. If I want to see Usher on TV for something other than music, it had better be a circus-act criminal trial where he’s gang-raped the exhaust pipe of a city bus. Does Fred Savage know all the lyrics to Rock-Aria? I don’t care. How many blows to his left nut from a ball-peen hammer can he take before he throws-up? THAT is a goddamn game-show.
Fucking Kevin Arnold. Next time, close the deal with that hot rake of a chick Winnie Cooper and I won’t hate you.

Bitch.