Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics,

I for one am getting pissed as frothy-fuck about the amount of absolute horse-shit which permeates most aspects of our daily lives. I'm not talking about monstrous horse-shit, like black-box voting, exit strategies or Hollywood's drunkest bitches whomping open their growlers for the paparazzi. I'm talking about the small things, the unavoidable things, the things which get right under your skin like an errantly thrown fish-line hook into that kid's cheek when I was demonstrating mad-casting skillz for the ladies at the pro-shop.

Things like...(I rule segues)

UN-EXPECT IT

The Ellen DeGeneres show is terrible. From the ground up, this is one hideous show that's like having a garbage bin of vomit and peach-pits dumped on you while your mouth is open. The new slogan advertising her current parody of television is "Un Expect It". How the fuck does somebody UNexpect something? Do I purge from my mind that Ellen is going to get better? But then I EXPECT Ellen to stay the same. Otherwise, I EXPECT that Ellen is going to try and improve her show. See, the sand in the vag here is that you just know there was a committee of boot-licking marketers struggling to come up with something original to promote Ellen's show. Can't show her dancing, that would retard children or trigger miscarriages. Can't hustle a bunch of clips of her astounding wit 'cuz...can't find 'em. Then, some skinny dude with over-sized box-frame glasses and ginch full of crabs barfs out "UN expect it!" Suddenly, a quiet falls over the room. "Genius!" proclaims the overweight ugly guy who compensates by having giant greasy hair. "Astounding" says another guy with pin-stripe beard that you could shave with a fucking eraser if he would just hold still long enough.

That's my problem. It's a soul-less phrase, concocted simply because it doesn't mean ANYTHING. It's instead left to you, the poor son-of-a-bitch that hears it, to endow the phrase with meaning. And consequently, that's some shitty marketing right there. They're cheating you. Phone up the Ellen DeGeneres show and demand to be compensated for their chicanery.

Also, on Ellen's website for the show, there's a brief sentence which bugged the shit out of me too. During season three, Ellen brought awareness to her hometown of New Orleans when it was devastated by Hurricane Katrina.

Really? That was you that let me know that town got wiped off the fucking map? Nobody else was mentioning it but you, huh Ellen? Suck it.

GREASY DATE-RAPE GUY IN THAT FORD FUSION COMMERCIAL

This one's quick. That Ford Fusion commercial where they're driving down the building to the der-der-der-der...der-der-der-der dot-music. The police should be waiting at the bottom of the building to arrest the shaved-head driver. 20 minutes with a good interrogator ought to clear up a bunch of unsolved rapes, arsons and cheque-frauds in a big fucking hurry.

LOST: SEASON 3

DO SOMETHING FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DO SOMETHING!!! Season 2 could have given satisfying boners to the dead.

LOL, LMAO or BRB

I can't stand internet short-hand. It's disgusting. English is a wonderful language and some people intentionally cheapen it with short-cuts which accomplish nothing. Therefore, I use these short-hands in speech. Somebody says something funny at work? "Lemaow" or "Lawl". Gotta take a powerful shit in the middle of a meeting? "Berb". There are more but you'd have to be a powerful Internet nerd-wizard of Hobbit-Moon ranking to know them.

THE SIMPSONS

This show is dead. Can't somebody travel to FOX and smother the writers who obviously are dressing up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive? (Thank you Mr. Reznor). It's like a diseased and malformed pet that the owner just can't bare to take and have put down, although a strong breeze would snap the animal's back, legs and skull. This show lurches through episode after episode bringing the bile to the top of Conan O'Brian's throat each time he watches a preview for a new episode.

Well Fanaholics, you're probably wondering what exactly the title of the article had to do with the content. I don't know either and I don't care. See? We have shit in common.