Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

I'm disappointed that so far, I have not been coronated King of Earth. I don't know whether it's because the vote hasn't been held, I'm getting screwed over by influential pro-retard lobbies, or it's going to be a kick-ass present on my birthday.

However, as this hasn't happened yet, I am here to help push foward the idea that I should be given complete control of Earth as quite simply, you people have been doing a sewery job which may be best described as an angry retard smashing his dick between rocks. Actually, if you put that last part on any history test to describe any world leader past or present, the teacher will buckle with sheer joy at the powerful accuracy and give you an A+, their car and a BBBJ.

So, here I present, IN A PERFECT WORLD...

...it would be considered a national sport to tell Christians in the Ozarks that inbreeding causes Evolution.

...Coca-Cola would stick to just one type of diet.

...cars that deserve to crash into the ditch, STAY in the motherfucking ditch.

...all the stores you like at the mall would all be in a row AND near the food court.

...driving like a methed-up shithead in the left lane without passing anybody would be punishible by being comically fired backwards out of a cannon into the soft-bosom of drying cement.

...the smelly bastard who comes up to you in the parking lot to accost you with a story that his van broke down, he's overdrawn, needs a tow-truck, his 298734 different kids all need food while they wait and only $8 will solve his life will realize the world isn't stupid halfway through his bullshit.

...plastic bags carrying bags of milk will not almost automatically stretch, rip and drop the milk.

...you'd hear your name all the time on the Romper-Room mirror bit.

...all jobs would allow for an hour of idle daydreaming.

...funerals would be more festive affairs. At each funeral, three caskets are available at the front. A contestant is drawn from the mourners who must then pick which closed casket, one, two or three, they want to open. If they correctly guess the dead relative, they get a bonus chunk of the will. One of the incorrect caskets is filled with hay, the other, AIDS.

...deciding which restaurant to go to for lunch among coworkers wouldn't take 600 hours of planning, accomodating and negotiating. Swiss Fucking Chalet man, that's it.

...teenagers must wait in specially designed pits outside the movie theatre such that they do not clog the lobby with their incessant texting of each other. Thirteen year olds out in a group for the first time without parental supervision must wear scarlett letters identifying them as such.

...people who shit and don't wash their hands afterwards must publically announce they didn't do so.

...we would go back to the Spartan way of raising children. At 6 months, children are left on a stone slab outside of town. If he returns home, he is a strong child and is worthy of an education in art, math, philosophy and warfare. This policy would also severely curb the population of Manitoba.

..."schools" which churn out fashion majors, estheticians and dental assistants must keep accurate records and report to the government of the damage they're causing.

...small business people would shut the bloody hell up about how they drive the economy and are the backbone of Capitalism. Here's the truth: people way fucking smarter than small business people set up a system which would allow a dummy to thrive with a store that sells glass frisbees and anal-beads. The government supplied all the damn infrastructure to allow his store to be built, watered, electrified, travelled to and phoned in addition to educating the workers he most likely underpays and shittily values. Small business people would receive a mandatory annual slap upside the head which would remind them how lucky they are there is busy-work for them in a much vaster society.

...the RCMP would update its uniform and make the new ones look like the X-Men.

...there would be more ziplines from building to building, thus, travelling would be much more fun.

...there would be a crossover commercial where Sturdy Danny McGee kicks the hell out of the Capital One bankers. Also, Sturdy Danny McGee will punch the living fuck out of children that drink grape-juice, say "aaah" and then turn to the camera and smile. Sturdy Danny McGee doesn't take shit from kids, God or you.

Actually, the Sturdy Danny McGee commercial is just about the best commercial ever so I'll stop there. Elect me on my platform and I'll toss in one more promise: Sturdy Danny McGee will be available as national enforcer and, for a price, will straighten out one asshole neighbour who parks his car in front of your house, has a shitty colour scheme on his garage or puts his garbage out 3 days before the trucks come.

One time, a passing car splashed mud on Sturdy Danny McGee's plaid jacket. Once Sturdy Danny McGee noticed, he punched the ground and a shockwave raced after the car, shattering it to pieces on contact. Then Sturdy Danny McGee at a bowl of Raisin Bran out of the driver's emptied skull.