Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

There are people out there who are currently questioning the morality of pounding the pud. Yup, some people out there may actually believe that masturbation, or pickle-tickles as some may refer to it, is some sort of a sin.

Well, it isn't. Bloody prude site.

Don't ever let a spicy hot boner go to waste. Seize the day so to speak. And privacy schmivacy...if you were eating a nice sandwich, you wouldn't hide in the broom closet at my Aunt's funeral, you'd eat that sloppy son-of-a-bitch right over top of the casket so dear Aunt Sharon gets a little pickle and mayonnaise to fuel her trip to the afterlife.

See where I'm going with this?

On a plane that's about to crash? Whip it out, pretend it's a wing and flap that fucker good!

Get pulled over for a speeding ticket? Haul out your shpadoinkle and let the officer clock your fist of fury with the radar gun!

Too many people crowding around you at the urinal? Fluff it up and then bang it dry on the side of the porcelain.

Show up at 911 fire calls and offer to put out a couple embers with your novelty fire-hose.

Trip old fuckers at Wal-Mart from behind the discount DVD bin with it!

Get it weighed in a produce scale at Loblaws.

Try to buy coffee with it.

Tell the boss you're gonna be late for work 'cuz you were watching Breakfast TV, got excited and now you're gonna need three stout men to pull your ginch out far enough to stuff it back in!

Make a little extra coin filling in as a train-crossing safety-arm.

Pole-vault over traffic!

Dig holes in concrete!

Level mountains, drain oceans and bat the moon into Jupiter!

Whew...

I'm spent.