Comment Corner

Folks. Let's take a mild flashback here. The year is 1995. Christopher Reeves has taken his historic Superman dive from the back of a horse into stardom, OJ's gloves did not fit so the jury did acquit, the New York Times published its first humour column entitled "Shit I'd Like to Blow Up" by U. Nabomber and Alanis Morissette released Jagged Little Pill starting with the hit single "You Oughta Know".

The album was inspired. Here was this debatably hot chick who was messed up in the head and apparently would suck dick in a theater years before it happened to the "That's So Raven" chick. Well, she hasn't actually been caught chugging hog in a theater, but I think her going "Oh snap" as a load comes out her nose would certainly be entertaining. But Alanis Morissette confessed to the world she'd eat a hammer while watching Jumanji. It was new, aggressive, liberating and the slight grunge tone to the album certainly help it fit in a grunge dominated world. It should have been Courtney Love who did all this first, but she was still trying to get brain chunks out of the begonias. Hit after hit after Ironic after hit came out with no end to the meteoric rise in Alanis' success in sight.

So Alanis decided to follow up Jagged Little Pill, which sold 1.9 trillion copies, with Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. And she kicked it off with Thank U. And she was naked. Fucking A. I think Alanis Morissette is hot and I dug looking at her blurred out meat-curtains. The song was good too. Then she followed it up with So Pure. Okay, maybe Alanis wasn't so grouchy anymore and that song was good too. But the bitch put on clothes for the video. A million different clothes, none of them revealing her blurred shame-hole. Each song on the album though, seemed to be this plumming of her emotional depths. Well, I already heard that on Jagged Little Pill. I don't need to hear about the agony of being served second in a donut shop because...

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Shit folks, where does the time go? One minute I'm attacking nuclear pirates off the coast of Madagascar, then I'm fighting the ghost of Mussolini with a robo-Indiana Jones before I end up noticing that I haven't been to the Comment Corner in a while. And then I notice it's fallen into worse disrepair than David Schwimmer's career.

So to clear out a few cob-webs and reduce my own stress on a couple of mud-cocks that have really caused me to burst a colon. Also, I think the image of a man fucking a wet pile of mud is funny.

WAL-MART GREETERS

I want to smack the living fuck out of Wal-Mart greeters. These people are nothing more than living testaments to the value of a good education or a Logan's Run style execution of the 65+ crowd. Here's their added-value. If I come into Wal-Mart with a bag from another store, they'll attach a green sticker to the handle without inspecting the contents of the bag. What the fiddledy-dee fuck bullshit security measure is this? Firstly, they've no clue what's in my bag. So, if I wanted, I could ram my other bag full of blu-rays, buy a bag of milk, call it a day, wave to the dopey fucking greeter and be on my way with a shitload of extra cashola. If I were arrested, I would point to the little green sticker and claim that the greeter already inspected the bag.

It's a terrible waste of my time.

Secondly, these greeters don't greet everybody. Sometimes, they're a little too selective for my liking. If I have to go out of my way to get in a greeter's face to get a free hello, I'm beating her down with the guitar they have on display near the Guitar Hero boxes. If as I'm smashing her down, there's any random string plucking that bears resemblance to Rush's YYZ, then fuck it, that's Star Power baby.

CLOVERFIELD

I finally got around to watching this movie. Fuck you JJ Abrams. WHY DON'T YOU EVER EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK SOMETHING IS? The movie was good, I enjoyed it, but...

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Folks,

Despite having only four minutes to save the world, there’s been a few things on my mind that continue to percolate. Common things. Things that you and I both know are total horseshit, but in the amounts that you could easily hide a small child inside all the horseshit. Also, a child hidden under mounds of horseshit should probably have a straw to breathe. I’m just thinking ahead.

PRETENTIOUS GAELIC NAMES

This one has really been frosting my bush lately. It seems as though every white couple out there has become beholden to the trend of foisting gaelic names on children who aren’t in the least bit gaelic. Kieran, Keegan, Kalen, Kaleb, Kylan, Kougar, Kumface and Mortal Kombat all seem to be the rage nowadays. Go to any kid party and all these little fuckers are just running rampant through the place. And if you ask the parents, Tom and Jody, why the hell they picked a cultural name out of their asses, they’ll usually claim that some grandfather or other distant relative once took a dump in a Welsh Inn 300 years ago.

It’s bullshit. Why gaelic? Why not Jewish too? I’d like to visit Brad and Vicky Robinson and meet their son Mordecai. It’s the same ridiculous logic, but Jewish names never seem to make the cut outside of Jewish people. Ditto Brad and Vicky’s other daughter, Moleequa. How come I didn’t meet her? Maybe their other son Chico?

See the inherent bullshit? It’s yet another attempt for pretentious parents to pass off a “special” name on an otherwise loser child to bolster the kid on the old “Special-ometer”. They can’t flat out call the kid “Special”. There won’t be a Special Williams enrolling at a school near you, ever, but the parents secretly want you to make that inference, so they pick a fucking asswipe name from a safely white culture and then hose it down your throat with a side order of shitola.

GODDAMN CLICHÉ NEW ANGLE

This one is certainly bringing my pi...

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Folks,

Updates are going to be pretty scarce round the Corner for the next foreseeable while. I only have four minutes to save the world and it's coming up on minute three.

Here's just a short list of people I think need to be bludgeoned to death in the moonlight and then pissed on by a hobo with AIDS.

ASSHOLES WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR IPODS

Have you heard of iPods? Of course you have. They've been out for 400 years now and they've become so abundant that older versions are routinely used in public bathrooms as a cheaper substitute for toilet paper. So, consequently, I don't need to hear about YOUR fucking iPod. Fuck, I don't bore people to death with tales of my Wonderbread Headstart Omega 3 bread and how it can cure Graves disease because it's fucking bread.

There is nothing spectacular or amazing about iPods anymore. They're too common place to be impressive. I don't give ten fucks if it can hold 8,000,000 songs, has a grooved wheel or could give a better tongue-job than that hooker that Elliot Spitzer spent all the money on. If you have an iPod, keep it to yourself. Please.

CHICKS WHO THINK GREY'S ANATOMY IS A GOOD SHOW

Grey's Anatomy is the television equivalent of a man taking a shit while running at full speed. So much needless drama is packed into each episode that it literally oozes implausibility at each interval. Maybe if they had Dr. JACK Shepard instead of Derek "Made of Honour" Shepard, the show wouldn't be an aneurysm. The only interesting drama on the show was when Isaiah Washington called T.R. Knight a "faggot". Bring fucking Michael "Kramer" Richards on the show and let those two loose for an episode and I might consider watching.

Who doesn't enjoy watching a nice train wreck?

So, to you girls that can't shut-up about this show, keep this in mind. It's terrible. It's absolutely an awful show and you should be ashamed for watching...

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