Comment Corner

WEEK ENDING AUGUST 4th, 2006

The Comment Corner Weekly Poster Awards took essentially a two week hiatus. Even I can get drained. Sifting through the useless effluvium cast off by the churning of supposed thought for seven days can certainly leave one week.

However, there comes a time when only the dumbest of dumb can possibly flush the ennui from the system, cleanse the palate and return the idiots to their drool corner where they needn’t burden society for even a brief moment.

Take for instance the fanaholic favourite of the Comment Corner, Dummy Matt and his Amazing Ability to Stupid. What you have here is the ultimate version of the Dummyfying machine. Take any coherent thought, possibly even one that could be considered persuasive, plug it into the input end of the Dummyfying machine, let the gears of Dummyiosity churn, burn and spurn until you receive on the output end (which looks like a mouth but smells like shit):

[quote=”Dummy Matt”]What, no debate? Man, I feel like Captain Renault!

I am shocked. Shocked! To learn your post was vapid, insulting and bereft of a point!

You can go now Dayseed. But c'mon back when you have something to say, ya'll hear![/quote]

Now, the input into the Dummyfying machine was a refusal to Dummy Matt’s unsolicited PM that I openly debate him about proposed Africentric curriculum additions at a single elementary school in the Jane/Finch area of Toronto with Dummy Matt taking, of course, the bigoted racist position with which he’s most naturally comfortable.

Moving on from that excursus, Dummy Matt is hereby awarded the Consistently Dumb, Consistently Matt Award. Imagine if you will, a small retarded child, unkempt with a large turd in his mouth, covering itself in discarded plastic LCBO bags, screaming and prancing, daring you to challenge it to a “debate” regarding whatever thought was presently in its mind at time of challenge. Now, if you already k...

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Here's the deal: I watch the movie trailers, I comment on them.

Rocky Balboa

Sylvester Stallone, in the twilight years of his "acting" career, has decided to come out of retirement to allow one final bashing of his seminal character. Not surprisingly, that's also the plot of this fucking turd. Rocky Balboa is watching ESPN when he sees that an XBOX 360 predicted he would be able to beat up the current heavyweight champion. Rocky, as fucking dumb as the execs who thought this would be box-office gold based on a Phil of the Future Gameboy Advance simulation of the insulted sensibilities of the American public, tries to train such that he could fulfill the prophecy of an XBOX. And then his iPod beeped a song and he launched into an anti-Semetic tirade against his arresting officer. No wait, that's another Hollywood hasbeen.

The Simpsons Movie

Now that this once great television series has crashed and burned well into the unfunny realm of things like leukemia, animal abuse and global warming, 20th Century Fox has decided to milk an additional 10 bucks out of people who once laughed along with the show. The trailer itself is nothing more than a snippet of Homer sitting on the couch. Which is where I imagine most people with any sort of respect for themselves will be sitting when the current crop of Simpsons' writers unleash a series of nerdy fanboy injokes previously rejected by Cracked magazine.

Apocalypto

Yup, this movie is directed by none other than Mel "Daddy Says Das Juden is Verboten" Gibson. The trailer begins by waxing philosophically about the end of civilization. Next, there's a whole lot of abandoned step-pyramids and then fire, fire, fire imagery. Mel likes it when things burn, but there's not an oven to be seen! Nice job at hiding your insanity for a few frames! Then he recycles the old ending of Michael Jackson's...

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Fanaholics, this is supposed to be the Comment Corner Weekly Poster Awards, but I got doing a Crossword scratch ticket, I don't feel like doing them and Dummy Matt already has enough awards chronicling how stupid he is so I'm skipping them.

The Dead Art of Conversation Part II: Ellen Degeneres Sucks

Last time on the Comment Corner, we cornered the comments on the dead art of conversation and how the majority of exchanges between people can be summarized as somebody saying something, anything, stupid or intelligent, assinine or insightful, Voltairish or Judge Joe Brownish to have the response be something affirming whatever the first part was. I blamed this on people being unable to accept criticism and other people being conditioned to dole out horsepuckey affirmation rather than speak their minds.

But, there is a force out there which epitomizes this very thought. There lurks among us a force so sinister, so insidious, so shittily dressed that the very mention of her name is enough to bring a forced "Oh yeah, I like her" Pavlovian response.

Fear:



This soul-sucking harpy befouls televisions every afternoon. Her biggest crime, aside from that spasmodic drunken lurching around her audience with her eyes closed and her hands folded into dance-fists to crappy music, is that each and every thing on her show affirms something. That's right, there can't ever be a moment where somebody might utter something which would render somebody else even momentarily uncomfortable. Somebody could bomb a huge shit into her coffee cup before air, wipe their ass on her cue-cards and knock down Portia de Rossi with a poopy shove and Ellen would mug a stupid fucking grin into the camera, dart her eyes furtively around her audience searching for anybody uncomfortable while stammering over her words before...

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Fanaholics, one thing that we all must learn is that into everybody's life, a little rain must fall. As a result of this very simple axiom being lost on the majority of the population, conversation ~ the art of back and forth, is dying, moribund and about to go the way of Jason Bateman’s career comeback. Also, Jason Bateman has no soul, having sacrificed it to Satan for sight in Sandy Duncan’s glass eye.

Conversation now seems to be the pointless art of stating banality and then seeking affirmation from anybody who happens to be the fuck in earshot. What I mean is, when people come back from a vacation, they inevitably tell you about three things: the weather, what they ate and what they drank. Listen up, when you come back on vacation, nobody gives a half-full Dixie-cup of shit what you ate and what you drank. It’s boring. “Wowee! The mixed drink had a funny umbrella in it! Well, slap my ass with a cordless phone ‘til it bleeds, however did you stand the merry mirth of that resort?” Too many people fear being labelled a boor to point out that you are boring.

Person 1: On Thursday, we ate this really neat piece of rabbit. It was sautéed in yak semen, broiled for a half-hour in the light of the rising moon and served on shredded tennis balls!

Person 2: Fuck you. (Note: A stunningly quick knuckle punch to a testicle or ovary is optional here)

It’s not so much a list of what one person finds interesting and what one person finds disagreeable, it’s that conversation has degenerated to this. It’s the stating of absolute pureed mundane nothing followed by the listener affirming it as more than it is.

Person 1: I went to H&M and bought this really neat tank-top! It’s pink!

Person 2: Wow, did you have to answer a skill-testing question before you got to take it home?

Person 1: Uh…no. I just bought it.

Person 2: Well then, fuck you. (Note: A spinning back fist which would rattle their molars right out of th...

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Folks, the Comment Corner is proud to present the following piece posted by myself in the forums here for all to read as part of the ongoing Comment Corner comments on conspiracy theories, their inherent problems and what you, the fanaholic, can do to help insulate the world from their rabid paranoia.

Conspiracy Theory Part II

Once again, conspiracy theorists (CTs) wrap themselves in a quest for the "truth" by establishing an ethos that sets them as the salt of the earth, drawn into a battle against a large sinister Goliath up to nefarious schemes. They employ simple archetypes to explain things: good versus evil, truth versus lies, weak versus the strong with, fuck, the salvation of the world in the balance. The world is reduced to these archetypes as are complex events in the world. A few simple truths which stem from all CTs.

1. Sell emotion first. I don't know how many times I've said this in regards to conspiracy theories but it's arguably the most important point. With regards to the New World Order, the emotion being sold is one of duplicit slavery to the NWO. That is, the average Joe is completely unaware that his free will has been usurped from him and his destiny is now in the hands of an all powerful global government. It's a scary thought and the sophist rhetoric employed appeals to the average Joe.

2. Scare the reader away from primary sources. The next step in establishing conspiracy theory is to render any and all primary sources as tainted, untenable, enemy-filtered or otherwise invalid. In this, the CT will isolate the uninitiated from anything else and then deconstruct their world view, slowly reconstructing it with their own. Consequently, nobody interested in pushing the NWO as real will ever advise a reader to go and check out the UN website or get the minutes from the last General Assembly or request anything from the side being slandered (which would only be fair). Instead, ANYTHING adduced to the...

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