Comment Corner

Fanaholics,

Why is it that when insults are tossed about in a thread, certain people cannot handle them? I don't mean don't know what to do with them, I mean like Margot Kidder street-corner can't handle it.

Picture this as you've seen it a thousand times already. Poster A and B are debating whatever, cereal preference, Cuban missile crisis or how many pubes have to be put in some dude's mouth before he gags. On and on the debate rages without an end in sight. Eventually, somebody calls somebody else....a name! Then, Poster B calls Poster A another name! Then, Poster A objects to what he was called! Imagine that, an insult that hurt somebody else's feelings. But, filthy Poster A isn't done being a hypocritical wallfuck, he's got to toss out MORE insults to Poster B letting Poster B know just how demeaning insults are. Well, Jesus Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood Christ, we've got a massive problem on our hands.

See here folks, it's actually quite simple once you recognize a few things about insults.

1. Insulting is insulting. There is no magical scale on which to grade an insult. Grading an insult is subjecting it to an opinion and as well all know from having faithfully read the Comment Corner, opinions are about as useful as a driver's ed teacher putting the student driver in a headlock merging onto the highway. Did Person A say anything which may be construed as an insult? Oh, he did? That's it. Person A's right to object to insults or insulting is gone like Nicholas Cage's career. It doesn't matter if Person A said that Person B is a goofy-doof but Person B responded with stating, quite convincingly, that Person A has gang-raped a fire-hydrant. They're both insults, got that?

2. This bullshit attitude that some insults are "observations" while others are "facts" needs to be dropped. Now. It's a desperate ploy...

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Folks, the Comment Corner has noticed a trend which has seeped its way into the collective mindwork of this forum. It's ugly as a cancerous nut and welcome just about as much.

It's arriving at a thread in progress and announcing that the thread either sucks, is boring or doesn't somehow meet the interloper's secret criteria of exciting him. Here's the rub these stains just don't get: They're reading it and commenting on it. These crybaby douches instantly cancel out their own supposed outraged morality when they add to the ennui with their own brand of Crap-O-Post.

It's the equivalent of standing up in the middle of a crowded theater showing a movie and then yelling at the top of your lungs that the movie sucks. And then...hanging around to make sure people heard you. Part of the attendent outrage the posters feel towards these whores is that they have this expectation that you'll up and walk out of the movie so to speak, cussing and cursing the director, hating yourself for having sat down in the first place and being in shocked awe of the whore's precious opinion.

It's being an Attention Whore of the worst kind. Here's a thread that doesn't concern you, didn't solicit your worthless observations on its quality and isn't going to give quarter to your opinion once you've barfed it out and finger painted with it a little BUT still people feel the need to do it. Awww, nobody paying any attention to you? Why not interrupt a thread with...you? Fucking busybodies who feel the need to make sure YOU know how they feel about the entertainment value of any thread.

If this isn't bad enough, sometimes these people put in a little exta effort to go from douchebag attention whore to syphyllatic ME-ME-ME slut by using a prepackaged joke image of David Hasselhoff dressed up as Knightrider fucking Kitt in the tailpipe with a dumbass slogan like "This thread sucks!" That's right, nothing screams desperate-for-attention quite like...

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WEEK ENDING JULY 7th, 2006

Sorry about the lack of updates this week fanaholics, the Corner will be commenting with greater frequency.

However, do not be daunted, for once again, a scavenging of the worst of the bloated has been undertaken and three brand new shining examples of moronic imbecility are offered up for closer inspection.

Our first winner this week is none other than resident Comment Corner whipping horse, dullard supreme and all-around picker of juicy things hidden in recesses in his body, our fan-favourite, Matt, aka Motorcycleboy. Coming on strong in the early part of the week, Matt dominated the field in idiocy and with a deadly killer instinct, made comments so stupid as to ensure the awarding of the I should have read this before I posted it Warning Award.

How did Matt manage to win yet a second award so soon? Why, this homage to hubris as hastily and haughtily hashed as humanly hossible. (Did I just invent the word hossible? I did and its certainly hossible others will use it too.)

[quote="Motorcycleboy"]NO ONE CAN BELIEVE THE SUPERHUMAN INTELLECT POSSESSED BY THE GREAT MOTORCYCLEBOY![/quote]

Well Dummy Matt, you're finally right. NOBODY can believe that you have a superhuman intellect, let alone an intellect that will allow you to sit the right way on a toilet seat. In future, read the sentence to yourself (or blow your "help-whistle" and have somebody read it for you) and decide if it's a "goody" or a "baddy". In this case? Baddy. Just here to help and congratulations again on the award. That mantle might get pretty full of awards Matt!

Moving right along, we come to a new award winner but long time poster and suspected Comment Corner Fanaholic, Scape! Well, this isn't exactly the magnificent ineptitude of Dummy Matt, but Scape certainly deserves the Creepy and Most Likely Wrong Comparison...

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WEEK ENDING JUNE 30th, 2006

You've waited for them, begged for them and have promised us your left nut for even the briefest glimpse at them. Well, get out the scissors, bandages and stitches as we're collecting the nuts while we present the CKA Premiere of The Comment Corner Weekly Poster Awards.

Forum fans, with the deluge of idiocy this board's brighter members have to endure, it's no wonder why the awards were delayed and delayed. It's tough picking three winners from the mountain of retardation some posters force others to scale in reading their posts. But, for you, the dedicated Comment Corner Fanaholic, we faced dizzying heights climbing these mountains on your behalf.

Our first winner should come as no surprise to long time Comment Corner Fanaholics. It's Motorcycleboy aka Dummy Matt aka Otto aka Wondertard aka Illiterate Dolt. From the sheer pain of watching him bungle the spelling he uses while critiquing other's spelling, to the agony of the historical fuckups he foists, to the painful lies he tells about reading books he hasn't, to the stunning lack of imagination in his insults, to his daily Sisyphysean struggle to be recognized as an intellectual, to his cries for help with his closeted alcoholism, to his thinly veiled racism and his universally deplored lack of congeniality, he is the Comment Corner's CKA first winner by a landslide.

But what was the post that won him the Dick Cheney Blind Shotgun in the Wrong Direction award? Why, this one of course:

[quote="Motorcycleboy"]Guelph! Are you serious? I thought you said you went to University!

Don't get me wrong. I mean, if you're learning to be a pig farmer or a dog doctor, then Guelph is a fine institution. I have a few ancestors who attended there myself. Of course, they were involved in Agriculture.

But you aren't seriously suggesting that Guelph is a real institute of higher learning for those who are serious about other...

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Another problem that is creeping up on this forum that should be rightfully nipped in the bud is the failed art of the insult. Most people on here try it, most people on here fail miserably at it. The Comment Corner is proud to present some handy tips that one should keep in mind when trying an amateur hand at insulting.

Originality counts. I'll repeat that. Originality counts. For those of you out there who annoint the eyes of readers with banal theft, stop it. This theme will be revisted in later points, but for now, let's focus on inventing new insults with which to attack others. Consequently, please avoid the following common pitfalls which marks the insulter as of low rank and reduces him/her to laughingstock.

1. Virgin posts. Ah yes, the tried and true test of someone's appeal; their ability to fuck, get fucked or have fuck. This primal urge is way overused by the rank amateur as a basis for insult. It is cliche and expected. Nobody will take your insult seriously, ESPECIALLY if you compound the weakness by stating, explicitly or by insinuation, that the insultee masturbates as a result of no boffin'. IF you must go this route, spice it up with something like, "No woman would accept Ziggy's beer-foam seed as it burns skin and smells like lacquer." Something people don't see coming (that's a pun folks).

2. Masturbation posts. Come on folks, lets use some imagination here. Wanking, jerking off and pulling the pud are all G-rated insults. They're weak and uninspired. Instead of typing "You're probably jerking your dick right now," get creative! Try "burping the zipper-monkey" or "making the Devil sneeze milk."

3. Nerd posts. These insults imply the insultee also socially fails to understand social situations and renders themselves ostracised. Such common cliche examples to be avoided are: references to science-fiction shows, movies or books, fantasy movies, role-playing games, video games...

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