Comment Corner

Folks,

Honestly, do we really need to be debating certain things in our society? Instead of focusing on whether or not Happy Holidays is any less offensive than Merry Christmas, we should instead be wondering if Britney Spears wakes up each morning to wipe off what colour of crotch pus.

Lord knows I've got a $50 riding on yellow and I don't need mindless interruption because some nativity scene at a mall forgot to include a map to the Kwanza display down the road at the Speedy Muffler.

I'm not religious and frankly, I don't give two steaming shits if people want to keep on wishing each other a Merry Christmas. I would give two stone cold shits to watch Lauren Conrad eat bacon off of Bionic Woman's ass. But no knife and fork, that's cheating.



Editor's Note: Probably worth more than two stone-cold shits.

So what is it about Christmas trees that causes people to shit their pants? Unless there's been a Jewish conspiracy to grow pine-trees which emit airborne Ex-Lax, everybody's asses should remain relatively shit-free.

Folks, it's foolish to believe that avoiding saying "Merry Christmas" is going to actually accomplish anything. Not saying those words doesn't actually change the holiday, it just demonstrates that the person avoiding wishing somebody a Merry Christmas is a retard. Also, it doesn't logically follow that if a Mormon is accidently wished a Merry Christmas, he's going to rush out and change the name of his next 14 year old bride to Christmas to fulfill your evil request. He's probably too busy fist-sodomizing his two wives who darn the socks anyway.

Editor's note: Speaking of fist-sodomy, faithful Mormon men would probably appreciate a new wrist-watch from you for Christams.

Also, there's nothing wrong with having Christmas concerts at the public...

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LAZY ASS CHRISTMAS CLASSICS OF 2007

Folks, I'm not going to lie. I've been both busy and lazy with the Corner recently. I started writing a new article a while back about sexing up Santa Claus to make him relevant, giving him a bull-whip, an eye-patch and he beat the living fuck out of kids who ask for bullshit, but then I started drawing a picture of it. In the end, I had about as much success with it as Jamie Lynn Spears using contraception and/or the "Just up my ass please" method.

So here I am, handing out old shit. Truth be told though, this was easily the most popular article on the Corner this year, so hopefully the yawns at my laziness aren't too loud. Or write something funny yourself and I'll post it.

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Folks, do you drink coffee? Chances are, if you do, you probably go to a Tim Horton's. There's only 348,234 fucking outlets per square mile in Toronto and you can expect more people in the lineup than you could for a line in which they were handing out fist-sized diamonds that could cure colo-rectal cancer.

But the drive-thrus don't work. Especially in the mornings. They get jammed up, the convenience aspect of them goes flying out the window and you would probably have been quicker to pull the soul of Tim Horton himself out of that tree his body smashed into along the QEW near St. Catherine's and force him to whip you up a double double a la Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman Command the Dead style. Don't tell him until after he's poured it that the Leafs haven't won the cup since he headbutted the tree at mach 4. He could get pouty and piss some sort of ectoplasmic urine into your cup.

Alas, the Comment Corner is here to help the executives at Tim Horton's learn how to fix their drive-thru's such that we the populace don't go fucking nuts and do something stupid like drink Coffeetime. One time, I patched a hole...

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This was a long post and I want people to read it outside of the one thread in which it originally appeared. Thankfully, I'm a conceited bastard who makes no bones about slammin' my awesome shit all over the place.

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Okay, firstly, let's not take the inherent wisdom of a retard wearing headphones while not listening to anything.

I watched his video and noted the following problems with his argument, which is based, apparently, on the superficial reading of Sections 318, 319 and 718.2(a) of the Criminal Code and Section 2(b) of the Charter. From this, he drafts a conclusion that the enforcement of Ss 318 & 319 are thought crimes.

He begins with a superficial reading of S. 2(b) of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms; in it, the right to freedom of expression is included.

And there he stops with his Constitutional analysis. Whoops.

He fails to instruct anybody about S. 1 of the Charter; The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it subject only to such reasonable imits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society.

Already, his argument fails to include the concept that nothing in Canada is absolute and S. 2(b) can be infringed upon when necessary.

Does he include any acknowledgement of Iwrin Toy Ltd v. Quebec (Attorney General)? None. This is the seminal case which defined the limits of government interference in S. 2(b) of the Charter.

Chief Justice Dickson wrote:

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Folks,

It's been a while since the Corner has dispensed sagely advice about how to conduct yourself each day. Sometimes, it ranges from the small, "more worthless than Katie Holmes new hairdo being called matted post-birth rat twat" advice like make sure your shoe is tied, tee hee, to the more obvious, shouldn't have had to tell you "Good Lord why did Jennifer Love Hewitt try to chunk herself into that bikini" advice like don't fuck a car door jamb, regardless of whether or not its moving.

But, as Christmas time approaches, here are a few phrases you can help choke from society, giving everybody's ears a much needed rest. Be warned, they're fucking terrible and worse than snagging an eyelid on a hobo's zipper.

WAS THAT MY OUTSIDE VOICE? USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE

These are two sides of the same shit coin. The first obviously being the rich, witty repartee of a fat-ass lady bitching because there wasn't enough almond in her goddamn Starbuck's biscotti. Side note: Starbuck's biscotti sucks so bad it could suck a moving whale out of the ocean. It's old shitty cookie they bought from a long defunct nuclear bomb-shelter made in the 50's. Don't buy it. Rice Krispie squares...not so bad. The second half of the coin is what other people get to say if they're quicker than the fat bitch.

The obvious problem with this phrase is that it's tired. It's been around since about 1999 or so, when the cool kids first discovered it, but now it's trickled down to idiots who believe they've stolen George Carlin's soul for a brief second to unleash comic wickedness.

But really, the second problem with this phrase is that it's usually said to mitigate a wildly stupid original utterance. Chances are, somebody has said something like they'd love to park a car tire on the boss' head and watch his skull shatter and his brains pop out. Normally, this is Omaha-Mall Kid type speak that should land one firmly in the nuthatch. ...

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Folks,

Too often on the road, you'll be barraged by idiotic student drivers learning all about defensive driving. These courses are supposed to teach awareness of those around you and anticipate that everybody else is a complete fucking moron whose sole motivation in life is to smash the living hell out of your car with whatever chunk of their car they can manage. It's not a bad plan.

But, if everybody supposedly learned defensive driving, then where are all the assholes, dickheads and morons coming from that we all need to be prepared? I imagine that somewhere, there must be a school for offensive driving. This would be the school for said assholes, dickheads and morons. Each driving instructor is equipped with a four-door charcoal gray Jetta, the choice car of those steeped in shit-headedness, and has passed the necessary test of strangling a puppy to death.

THE HORN

At the Offensive Driving School, the horn is not merely an additonal signalling device whose use is discretionary at best. It is used for a myriad other reasons:

+ Alerting the driver of another car near you of your intention to violently flip him the bird.
+ Signalling to the car ahead of you that the light flipped to green 0.00003 seconds ago and he should hurry up and move his shitbox.
+ Informing a driver in the Tim Horton's line-up that his order is too long and he may end it at any fucking time now.
+ Laying claim to a parking spot at a congested mall from three rows over. Drivers may use either morse code or just lay down one motherfucking long blast until arriving to claim their spoil.

Drivers will be graded on consistency of use, speed of deployment and overall lack of consideration for the situation in which it is used. Bonus points are awarded for horning older ladies trying to cross the street.

LANE CHANGING

Nowhere, except for somewhere in the local Highway...

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