Comment Corner

Folks,

Despite the fact that lately, every little Sally-Ann Bitchwad and Thomas Littlepenis out there is suddenly a self-promoted expert on police tactics who can discern from no more than a news-story precisely how the police should have conducted themselves, people do kind of know things. Some people are just brick-fucking-stupid though, and they'll never be able to articulate their emotions beyond the symbolic shitting in a KFC bucket. In the restaurant while a family's eating from it. That's the extreme end of the inarticulate crowd, but they vote Republican and throw bibles at those blasphemous computers so they're probably not reading this actual article.

But, for those in the middle-ground, those that read the news, eat the occasional taco and get all jittery when they realize they've just zipped past a stop-sign, this is for you. These are the things you know, but you've never bothered to define, clarify or otherwise make clear. I don't have the patience to always be doing this, I'm too busy looking up milk-gallon drinking challenges on YouTube or letting steamy women make out with my crotch, but I'll make an exception.

MOVIE CHARACTER LIFE BARS

If you've ever played a video-game, you know about life bars or hit-points. Essentially, they're a measure of how much life your little man has in the game. If he takes a flaming barrel to the crotch, he loses a chunk of it. If he gets too many spinning sawblades to the face, he loses all of his bar and he dies. A feature of these games though, is that as you progress through the game, your character gets more experienced and gets a bigger life bar. Random henchmen are fodder for your character, they have teeny life bars. Main bosses are meant to be challenging, they have life bars out the ass like Lindsay Lohan has coke up the nose.

In movies, they hide the life bar. Take Live Free or Die Hard, an awesome manly movie that if women watch too many times, will give them...

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I repost this to try and reach a wider audience.

I think all the bleeding hearts on this thread need to pull their collective heads out of their collective asses. The stink has clouded your judgement.

1. That the man was agitated because he was scared, lonely, waited too long or anything else is a nice ex post facto tidbit. I'm glad people here feel free to judge afterwards rather than examine the facts at the time.

2. The man was violent. He's thrashing chairs, swinging tables and clenching his fists. Who among you would be the first to confront this man without some sort of back-up plan, like a Taser? De-escalation is a fine thing, but somebody who's clearly flipped-out like that man was, is at best unpredictable.

3. Following point 2, how much damage would you bleeding hearts have allowed that man to cause before intervening? If he's smashing up the terminal and the police were standing by watching, would you refrain from criticism of their actions then? Take it a different way; if the man were instead in a parking lot bashing in car windows, of which one of the smashed windows were YOUR car and there were the police, doing nothing as he bashed in window after window and their rationale was to let him just peter out, would you be satisfied?

4. Nobody expected him to die from the taser. Nobody expects anybody to die from being tasered. It's an unfortunate and sad outcome. Keep in mind that his death was not a forgone conclusion when the police tasered him. Also, there's no cause of death yet from the coroner.

5. Police are always going to need a variety of tools to intervene with whacked out fuckers. Starting with hand-gestures and talking right on up to a gun. If you start removing intervention tools, you remove opportunities to resolve things without harm to anybody, which includes the fucking police. I don't know where this expectation that the police should routinely risk themselves harm came from, but it's got to stop.

6. There are...

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Folks,

The Comment Corner usually isn't used for politics. Firstly, Canadian politics don't have an international vibe; they're not good for ratings. They're less sexy than a brass-knuckled punch to the starfish. I'm a total whore for numbers. If I have to put up photo-shopped pictures of Eva Longoria munching Katie Holmes' snatch to cram in a few more visits, so be it. The more people that visit the Corner, the bigger the hard-on I get. So, normally I avoid any discourse about Canadian politics, or politics in general here, and instead call people cocksuckers who have the wrist-rester on their mousepad. Fucking sissies.

However, throwing caution to the wind and doing aside with ratings, Stephane Dion is a fucking idiot.

He's not a leader, he's not good at his job of being leader of the opposition and he's always got the pissy look of a 12th grade physics teacher whose class isn't listening.

I've noticed that his political style is nothing but a pure contrarian. No matter what Stephen Harper does, Munchcock Dion simply pukes out the opposite. Harper wants to extend Canada's mission in Afghanistan, Dion wants it commuted. Harper wants to cut the GST, Dion wants to raise it. Harper ignores the scandal with Mulroney, Dion raises it to the forefront. Now, what happens if Dion's contrariness threatens to force an election? He wimps the fuck out.

This is not good opposition. Being a part of the opposition doesn't mean simply being a contrarian and calling black to everything the government calls white. Sometimes, the government is acting in the people's best interest and it's okay for the opposition to agree with the ruling party. But blanket and blind opposition to everything the current government stands for means that the opposition spends its credibility with the public. Now, when there's a serious issue that the current government intends upon doing, the opposition has cried wolf for so long that the public...

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Folks,

We're all different on this planet. Now, I'm not going to pull some hippie love shit and tell you that differences make us strong; I'm not even going to give you some common sense advice like don't stir old paint with your dick. Hell, if you need advice about what NOT to do with your dick, like test wall-sockets, hit a tennis-ball or do the drum solo from NIN's Perfect Drug, you shouldn't be reading this. Well, you're probably not anyway, you're probably swinging your dick into the monitor.

Where was I? Right, we're all different, but there are some commonalities that bind us, draw us together and remind us that we're all actually one. I think I heard Dr. Phil say that before he smashed Robin one in the mouth when she embarassed him from her back-audience perch once too many times. Here are some things we can all agree are dumber than snagging your lip on a passing ye olde stage-coach cuz honestly, where the hell are those things anymore?

BULLSHIT ACTION SCENE KNOCKOUTS

Specifically, Bionic Woman. But here's the scenario. Hero plunges headlong into danger and is surrounded by a gaggle of henchmen paid enough money to suffer any sort of beating in the name of evil. Hero begins to engage the first goon and wails the shit right out of his face. However, something miraculous happens just as goon number 2 begins to attack. The hero decides he's beaten the first goon's face like he owed him money enough and somehow delivers the knockout blow before starting a series of dick-kicks to the second one. This knockout blow manages to floor goon 1 out cold for 2 minutes, 10 minutes, 3 hours...however long it takes for the hero to escape.

What in the fuck? If you watch the original melee between hero and goon 1, you'll notice that the 900 rabbit punches to goon 1's face only ever really fazed him. He staggered a bit, but it's not until hero flips him up and over onto an attractive decorative table which smashes way underneath...

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Folks,

Movies, books, tv shows, video games and even Ye Olde "How come I'm not allowed a goddamn package of Twizzlers in here?" stage productions all have one thing in common. Heroes.

That's right. Heroes. And these heroes have to exemplify something to us, the audience, or we'll get right the fuck bored and start wondering what a pair of double-d tits would look like in zero gravity. (Editor's Note: They would look awesome) They exemplify those traits that we (well, you fuckers anyway) would like to believe rest deep inside us. They're bone-hard chiseled men who eat beef jerkey right off the cow's ass, punch ugly women for being ugly and vote for themselves in elections. They don't take shit, they don't mince words, they watch executions, they're never wrong and they never hesitate.

So, if you're writing a book about a fucking goddamn hero, a big shit of a man who's going to fix the world, fuck the girl and straighten out why Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica on DVD is in limbo, you're going to need a name. Percival Huggybottom isn't going to fix a-1 about anything. Percival's going to get his backpack stolen and miss the bus a lot. But Jack Brickcock? He'll punch a dude so hard all the heat will get sucked out on impact and freeze the fucker's head into shatterable ice.

What is it about the name that gives the one hero sudden credibility and the other total fru-fru? Well, while taking a shit one day, I figured it out.

It's the hard "K" sound, the kuh type sound. It's an aggressive sound, it leaps right the fuck out at you and throttles your balls until you listen up.

Take a little trip through Hollywood and you'll see what I mean:

Chuck Norris. There's a reason why he's Chuck Norris. Charles Norris would give you a perm and put ribbons on a car engine he was supposed to be fixing. Chuck Norris would kick your fucking face's ass right off.

Maverick. Does anybody remember Tom Cruise's character's name in...

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