Comment Corner

Alrighty folks, this one is simple:

While I'm sad that Velvet Revolver has bitten the big one in the way that only Bill Hader could chug a man's hog to get a role in a movie, the world rejoices that the Stone Temple Pilots have reformed.

Who are the Stone Temple Pilots? Fuck you. They're one of the premier bands of the 1990's. You could blast any number of their songs at a chick and the heavenly sound waves would knock her up before the second chorus. Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant by straddling a speaker blaring Silvergun Superman and she'll give birth to a Dodge Viper because of it.

However, let's take an objective retrospective look at the albums that could inspire Jesus Christ to haul off the cross and thrash the fuck out;

CORE



The album that started it all. As soon as Dead and Bloated started playing on your CD player, you knew you were in for a better treat than getting a blowjob from a Swiss yodeler. Sex Type Thing, Wicked Garden, Plush and Creep were the radio singles and got the job done hard, especially the first two. Plush, meh. Creep, awesome. Unsung song on the album was Crackerman, a blaster rockfest about "a man, he's a man, crackerman, crackerman, he's a woman too." I don't know what it means either but I want to punch an old person when I hear it.

PURPLE



This was the album that really gave STP their bragging rights to rename Ezekiel in the bible to "Vasoline". The album kicks off with Meatplow and just keeps the fuck going. Not a clunker on it. Silvergun Superman being a personal favourite. Actually, Kitchenware and Candybars wasn't so thrilling, but it did lead into the secret track "Purple". Real fans...

[ Continued ]

Folks, I've been reading over the Corner these past few days and I've come to but one conclusion. I have to say this, if only to retain any semblance of dignity this small spot on the internet has left...

I think....I think Gangstalking may have been right all along. Think about it for a second. It's only natural that the government devote millions of dollars of resources to making sure we THINK she's insane. That's what they want, isn't it? And if it's worked then SHE MUST be correct! Or her internet friend who has had to persist with underage girls lasciviously rubbing up against him in public, all the while the rest of us think he's nothing more than a middle-aged perv groping chicks. The conspirators plan is BRILLIANT!

But, for such a concilliation on my part, I need to be met halfway. So, since Gangstalking reads this forum, I'm hoping she'll accept my heartfelt apologies, but only for today and only until noon; that way, I'll know she's serious.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Folks, there’s really no rhyme or reason to this article. It’s nothing more than an odd collection of thoughts that I think ought to be stamped into fucking law. How do I know? I thought of them, that’s how. Jesus.

NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO BID $1 MORE THAN THE NEXT PERSON ON CONTESTANT’S ROW

This is a bitch move. Some fat guy wearing an I Love Drew t-shirt bids $500 on a dinette set that looks like particle board hell and the ditzy blonde whore next to him outbids him by $1. If you don’t know how the Price Is Right contestant’s row works, you shouldn’t be alive, but here it is in a nutshell: Some item gets whored out by Drew’s Whores. Each person then consecutively bids on how much the item costs. One person, one bid and you go in order. The winner is the person nearest the dollar amount without going over. So, in our example, the guy who bid $500 only has ONE fucking dollar amount available to him in the entire universe on which he can win. Whiny bitch whore next to him now has $501 up to infinity to win.



It’s just a dick move and it needs to be rectified before one of the spurned contestants takes that faggy 70’s microphone and ties it in a neat knot through the mouth, throat and nose of the outbidder.

Although that would be hilarious.

MICHAEL KUSS’ ADS ON CITY TV NEED TO BE CHANGED



Michael Kuss is the City TV Toronto nighttime weather anchor. Part of City’s schtick is that City TV has 900000 goddamn weather stations all around the Greater Toronto Area to paint the most accurate weather picture available. Fine. But the ads telling you that Michael Kuss is King Shit need to change. Each one invariably revolves around the tagline “Mor...

[ Continued ]

Folks,

Apparently, there was a thread on the forums regarding Lost Season 4. I didn't read it because frankly, I'm the goddamn last authority on Lost. JJ Abrams told me that he was, but then I punched him so hard in the dick it became a luscious vagina. You probably know him now as Jennifer Garner.

I watched the first 8 episodes of the truncated season and here's the good, the bad and the Patricia Arquette ugly.

LOST SEASON 4 GRATUITOUS GRAPHIC TO PAD ARTICLE LENGTH



THE GOOD

Thanks to the firm end-date from ABC, Damon Lindelof and the gang have been better able to pace the shows with more answers than questions being asked. There have been a few good questions posed, such as how the fuck did the polar bear get into the Tunisian desert (answer: George Lucas was riding around on it whilst filming Attack of the Clones) or did they just film a normal polar bear humping around the newly sandy arctic circle? (PS, my prediction is the Orchid Station).

The writers have been using Ben to great effect. The idea that Locke thinks he is integrating Ben into the Lockies while it appears quite naturally through the flash-forwards and other bits that Ben is slowly recruiting new people onto his Others' softball team. They've also managed to keep we the viewers guessing as to who is the bigger villain, Ben, or Charles Widmore, who's using the profits from Mode Magazine to hunt for the Island.

The new characters that have been good additions are Daniel "McFly" Farraday and Frank Lapidus. Farraday is an interesting character. He's fucking around with time, he doesn't really want to wage war for the Island and he's got some answers rattling around in his head. Thankfully he survived Saving Private Ryan to make it to the Island. Frank Lapidus seems like a good-guy in waiting. He's trying to...

[ Continued ]

Okay, the bitching can end.

Firstly, today, Toronto looks like fucking Hoth. I was shovelling and next thing I knew, I had to kill a goddamn Wampa. Then, as I was giving the sky the finger, I thought about what I would give to find out who's in charge of weather and stab him in the neck with a letter opener. A good old-fashioned Murdoch type fucking Mystery.

I started thinking about what I WOULDN'T give. Sometimes, people come up to you and say the most foolish shit that you can't escape from hearing. So you think to yourself, sometimes audibly, "I don't give a Jiminey Cricket raping Pinocchio about how much snow tires cost for an old Ford Festiva. I really fucking don't. Move aside now Bethany, I've got shit that matters to get done." In the press of emotion, we all draw upon the same few key things we don't give.

A RAT'S ASS

Sometimes people don't give a rat's ass. Or, as the case may be due to the slumping American economy, people don't give a half a rat's ass. They're saving the other half as an offering to the Snow Spirits to end this damn winter. But we say it like rat's asses are currency. Somewhere, somebody's got a bag full of rat's asses and he's King Shit at the agora. If rat's asses are accepted as currency anywhere, I bet it's the Middle East. Doesn't it seem natural to be able to buy falafels for rat's asses? Right now, amidst all the goddamn bombs, somebody is trying to haggle some other fucker down over a rug because some of his rat's asses are plump specimens. Rugs for rat's asses. And you wouldn't even give one half of one to find out why your Aunt Judy declared bankruptcy.

A FLAMING FUCK

But, we also don't want to give up our precious flaming fucks. Some people mean this figuratively; perhaps they're gay and taking one up the glory-chute just isn't worth it to find out why Doug was late for the third time this week. Other people value their asshole even...

[ Continued ]