Comment Corner

Folks,

Have you ever been beleaguered at some point during your day where some low-paid misfit decides that some professional, be it nurse, teacher, plumber, cop, mechanic, electrician or lawyer among others is simply "overpaid" and therefore "undeserving"? Where do these miserable shits get their ideas? Thankfully, I'm an independently wealthy billionaire whose parents were murdered outside of a theatre alley and I've decided to defend you, the wretched citizenry, from yourselves out of misguided revenge by donning cape, cowl and typing furiously at a keyboard. As part of that package, (among other huge "packages"), I seek out fuckrods that mulch for a time on ignorant ideas before belching them forth into the goodly public's path.

That said, usually some shitstain will venture forth into the world of comparative salaries using nothing more than the imagination sparked from furrowing an overdeveloped unibrown and an overdrawn bank account.

WHAT EXACTLY IS "OVERPAID"?

These bastards have to start somewhere. Sometimes, it's blunt. Teachers are fucking overpaid, they'll say, then they'll beat their dicks against a mailbox until the bus comes to take them onward. Other times, it's more subtle. "I say, don't you think the public dollar could be stretched further if redundancies in the public service professions were slightly curtailed, hmmmmm?" they'll say, followed by beating their dicks against their half-paid Toyota Corollas with the one squeaky door.

Overpaid means one thing in this context. More than the person bitching. That's it. If by some miracle, John Q Poor-Ass Public were making $350,000 a year, he wouldn't give three shits if the going-rate for car-repair was $93 an hour. He'd happily pay whatever, get his Audi S8 back and drive over harp-seals to warm up his tires.

OVERPAID IMPLIES UNDESERVING

Here's the next faulty link in the fragile chain of pity; if one simply asserts that some profession is overpaid, it logically follows that they're undeserving. Once you make the first few leaps across ignorance chasm, it's not too hard then to discredit the professional's salary by devaluing the profession itself.

Teachers get their summers off and hang out in the teacher's lounge drinking coffee and gin all day. Plumbers charge ten times the going rate for a lousy washer and gasket; they're crooks. Cops eat donuts all day and can't be bothered to catch real criminals, just hand out speeding tickets. Nurses stand around chatting all day and make two rounds to hand out pills. Lawyers invent their own language and overbill like fuckers. Dentists touch some teeth, recommend flossing and let the hygienist do the rest.

See how easy it is? Just rattle off some stereotypes, hope a few stick and you're well on your way to metaphorically hacking down somebody else's good money.

NARROW MINDEDNESS HELPS

Another component to the whole attack on the professional is believing that nobody works harder than the person bitching. If they make a whopping $35,000 a year living day and night at the variety store they own, they feel entitled to pass judgement on anybody else.

I'm sure running a variety store is hard work. I'm sure that being a dental hygienist is also a tough job. I'm sure getting your ass run ragged at the Tim Horton's drive-through each morning must eat a part of your soul. I bet taking shit from a customer at First Choice Haircutters blows. I know it's not the cashier's fault at Chapters that they don't honour American prices. Being an H&R Block rep at tax-time is probably hectic as hell.

Too bad. So sorry there aren't any Subway Sandwich artists pulling in a healthy $80,000 a year, but frankly, anybody can do that job and I think the whole "artist" thing was pulled out of some mid-level manager's ass to placate mindless peons running the stores.

WOULD YOU DO THE SAME JOB FOR LESS?

Here's where the behaviour gets interesting if you actually challenge these people on their ignorant views. If you ask them, "Would you do the same job for less?", you'll find you get some really interesting answers. What this question forces them to do is acknowledge that there are inherent difficulties in being a teacher, nurse, lawyer, cop, dentist, electrician, mechanic or god-help us, politician. If being a teacher is "overpaid", but they wouldn't do that very job for less, then why not? If they would do it for less, then why haven't they? Remember, if you're making $400,000 a year picking stocks for TD Waterhouse, you're not crabbing about public salaries.

PUBLIC PROFESSIONS ARE DULY REWARDED

Suddenly, they couldn't be a teacher, because then they'd have to go back to university and get two degrees. Oh. So there are barriers to becoming a teacher that teachers have overcome? Ditto nurses and lawyers. Oh. They don't want to become a police officer because they could get shot, work shitty hours and have their work publically scrutinized. Oh. Becoming an electrician means apprenticing and working tough jobs. Oh.

Sometimes, the people crabbing are too lazy, stupid or incompetent to get these jobs in the first place. I don't want some gigantic fat-ass whore who stocks the Seasonal shelves at Wal-Mart hurrying to my defence as a cop when I'm being house invaded thank you very much, although I'm sure she could abosrb an entire shotgun blast into one cunt-lip and keep going just fine.

So, for these public professions, we need an incentive to entice people to do them. I'm sure that "love of the job" horseshit works well at interviews, but if public professions require incentives, then the easiest and most effective incentive is cash. Why get two degrees to be a Crown Attorney when some mumbly-fuck who wires debit machines at Burger Kings can cap your salary at an arbitrary $50,000? Nobody would get out from underneath the student debt-load, let alone have a reason to undertake it in the first place.

PUBLIC PROFESSIONS ARE A NECESSITY

Here's the kicker for all the free-market types out there who STILL complain about market value salaries for public professionals: their skills are valuable and a necessity.

No matter what job the bitching person has, they simply couldn't do it if all the public professionals were sent home. Who would be able to manage a small ladies fashion boutique if you had to be at home, teaching your child a curriculum you invented, defending your property against crime, ready to put your own fires out or being permanently ready to nurse your children back from fucking Oregon Trail dysentary? All of those duties would render anything you could do with your two seconds of free time useless.

So, we can't escape having these jobs. Somebody HAS to do them and somebody has to do them well. Big Cunt over at Wal-Mart's been ruled out.

THEY AREN'T BIRTHRIGHTS

Guess what, complaining bitches? Nobody who has a public profession went to their interview with proof of their prophetic birth on a mountainside during a blue-moon eclipse and the star shaped birthmark on their right butt-cheek.

Anybody can get them, but you have to work for them and be qualified to do them.

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

The whole point to this article is to give people pause before complaining about the money that somebody else makes in an entirely different job from one's own. Baseball players make a ton of money, because they can. So, before you go slamming down your "Hated Profession of the Week. This week: Doctors!", think long and hard about who they are, what they do and why aren't you doing it.

I don't have an ending as usual. Dayum!