Comment Corner

LAZY ASS CHRISTMAS CLASSICS OF 2007

Folks, I'm not going to lie. I've been both busy and lazy with the Corner recently. I started writing a new article a while back about sexing up Santa Claus to make him relevant, giving him a bull-whip, an eye-patch and he beat the living fuck out of kids who ask for bullshit, but then I started drawing a picture of it. In the end, I had about as much success with it as Jamie Lynn Spears using contraception and/or the "Just up my ass please" method.

So here I am, handing out old shit. Truth be told though, this was easily the most popular article on the Corner this year, so hopefully the yawns at my laziness aren't too loud. Or write something funny yourself and I'll post it.

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Folks, do you drink coffee? Chances are, if you do, you probably go to a Tim Horton's. There's only 348,234 fucking outlets per square mile in Toronto and you can expect more people in the lineup than you could for a line in which they were handing out fist-sized diamonds that could cure colo-rectal cancer.

But the drive-thrus don't work. Especially in the mornings. They get jammed up, the convenience aspect of them goes flying out the window and you would probably have been quicker to pull the soul of Tim Horton himself out of that tree his body smashed into along the QEW near St. Catherine's and force him to whip you up a double double a la Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman Command the Dead style. Don't tell him until after he's poured it that the Leafs haven't won the cup since he headbutted the tree at mach 4. He could get pouty and piss some sort of ectoplasmic urine into your cup.

Alas, the Comment Corner is here to help the executives at Tim Horton's learn how to fix their drive-thru's such that we the populace don't go fucking nuts and do something stupid like drink Coffeetime. One time, I patched a hole in a pool liner using Coffeetime coffee I let get cold. Another time, I saw a guy throw a Coffeetime boston-cream donut out of a moving car. The donut hit another car and tore right through the engine-block. True story.

GARBAGE CANS THAT WORK



Honest to fuck. Who thought it would be a good idea to make an impenetrable garbage can in a drive-thru? What dipshit masterminded a complex guard to thwart awkwardly throwing a paperweight cup (usually into the fucking wind too) out of a car window?

I drink Tim's all the time. Sometimes, I finish what I'm drinking in the car and leave it in the cupholder. Then, the next time I'm in the drive-thru, I need to free up the cupholder by chucking the empty cup. Since Tim Horton's apparently doesn't actually want garbage in its garbage cans, my cup will invariably bounce off and into the growing heap. Then, Timmy's has to pay some lazy teen to come out and pick up all the missed cups. If Timmy's is that concerned with its garbage cans becoming mosquito-breeding ground rain-barrels, lift the fucking lid on them up high enough that we can throw the cups into them.

LIMITING DRIVE-THRU ORDERS



Here's a new 2 part rule Tim's should enforce, even to the death of its customers. In the mornings, people are allowed to purchase food and beverages ONLY for the people that are actually present in the fucking car. Go ahead and order whatever asswipe order you want, but there will be videocameras equipped with that Predator/Robocop heat-imaging shit which will detect the actual number of people in the car. Three coffees, two people? Fuck you! Pick the two coffees you really want, the third gets poured on your windshield. Going to try and be cutesy-wutesy and say you want the third for later? The new drive-thru's will be prepared for that too with state-of-the-art instant polygraphs. Regardless of your answer, the extraneous coffee still gets hurtled into your rear-seat and onto your presentation or blazer.

Second part of the rule: No fucked up specialty orders. Want a coffee that's 1/3 coffee, 1/3 chai latte tea, 1/3 Fruit Xplosion muffin that's going to take 200 minutes to successfully make? Fuck you, order a normal drink or go the fuck home. Want your bagel triple-toasted? Buy a cigarette lighter and do it yourself at stoplights. Quit wasting my goddamn time, I'm 13 back of the speakerbox and I'm wishing you imminent harm in the form of a space-virus carrying meteorite to smash into you while you're flipping open your lid.

Got that folks? Keep your orders simple. If you absolutely MUST have your breakfast sandwich made with the eggs of bald-eagles you brought yourself, go inside the fucking store and leave me alone. And God help you if you tie me up further by crossing in front of me when I finally have my order and I'm ready to leave.

GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE WINDOW



Lord above help us now. Folks, honestly, there are only two factors which determine the distance between driver and server. The first being where Tim the fuck Horton's built the goddamn drive-thru many years ago and the second being you in your piece of shit car and where you drive it.

If you're so scared of chunging a side-mirror off those yellow concrete pillars, park your car where relatives can find it and walk places. Seriously, don't drive at all, ever. Because your solution of parking 200 feet from the window such that you have to throw your money and say "Thanks" via bullhorn isn't fucking cutting it. It takes too long for me to wait while you park 532 yards away from the window and have to open your door and lean out to complete the transaction. Try driving just a wee bit closer, say, where you can recognize that it's a Tim Horton's you're next to. Because what usually happens is your shitty driving skills translate into a total lack of hand-eye co-ordination and you end up dropping your triple-triple onto the asphalt followed by exasperated sorries as you secretly expect the server to correct your fuck-up by slinging you a freebie. Go fuck yourself, that takes up MORE of my time too.

If you pull up to the window and the server can't get you your coffee, they fire up the underground catapult and fling your car out of the lot. Too bad, try harder next time.

Oh, and one more caveat to the leaning shit. If your Tim's has a passenger window lane, and you're a smelly bugfucker who tries to save time by hopping in that lane only to have to lean way over a bunch of times before taking off your seatbelt and awkwardly getting into the passenger seat to pay and get your coffee, there's a special ring of hell devoted just to you and your kind. Seriously.

And that folks, are just some of the things Tim Horton's can do to improve their drive-thrus. It will save you, me and that time-wasting dickhead who's exhaust pipe I just kicked off his car with the heel of my shoe a lot of grief.

Print this one out and keep it in your glovebox. Think of this as a guide to go.