Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Dear Best Buy,

I have been ordered by the court to write this letter of apology to you in accordance with the Crown accepting my guilty plea for Mischief over $5000. I feel as though I should explain my actions in your store that day; perhaps then you will understand that I am as human as the next person who would crank all of the TV volumes up to near-max and then mute them.

In my head, I imagined a humourous scene...one akin to Michael J. Fox strumming the guitar in Doc's house with the amps cranked up. The thought of a non-commissioned salesperson getting flung backwards from sheer volume of a wall of shitty plasmas, ass over teakettle, into the synthesizer display was too much to resist. I am not made of stone. Nor it seems is the femur of Carmen Alblitz, the salesclerk who made the unfortunate decision to click on the mute button. While she did not sail majestically as I had envisioned; her stumbling around before tripping on a side-table in the home theatre display resulting in a thunderous crack heard over the many televisions is nothing to be ignored.

However, I stray from what the courts wished.

I do apologize to you, Best Buy, and to you, Carmen Alblitz, may your legbone rejoin itself in godspeed.

Also, upon review of your store security tapes, I believe it would behoove me to admit in advance of being caught, that it was I who swore voluminously during smack-talk sessions at the Wii demonstration. I am accustomed to playing video games with adults and perhaps it was not with great foresight that I referred to the 9 year old handicapped by as a "gosh-darn friggin' cunna" (I've tidied up the language for this letter). Nor was it in any way appropriate or "called-for" to wish upon him another "tortured 30 years of not walking before pneumonia swept him away to the 4th ring of hell where he so greatly deserved to be." Granted, I am not a gracious loser at Wii bowling. I also recognize that it was unfortunate that I referred to his mother and father as "garbage can and pie-hole" respectively when they objected to my conduct. I would also like to take this time to apologize for attempting to give the father eye-cancer by zapping him in the retina with the "Wiimote" laser.

My time is short so I will add the following admissions and apologies:

~ Taking a close up picture of my elbow crease so it looked like a hairy bum and leaving it displayed on a camera-display television.

~ Asking which remote-controlled car was best suited to be driven by a "stunt-hamster"

~ Using the synthesizers to make fart noises and then playing a farty Pink Panther theme.

~ Smashing the Guitar Hero guitar-controller after the end of me playing Boston's "More Than A Feeling". Burning an American flag in protest of the Vietnam war was also inappropriate and 35 years too late.

~ Confusing the dumb cashier by trying to pay for a gift-card with the gift-card I was purchasing. Also, I owe you the remaining $20 on that gift card.

Sincerely,

Dayseed.

P.S. Thanks for the directions to Sears!