Comment Corner

Folks,

Apparently, there was a thread on the forums regarding Lost Season 4. I didn't read it because frankly, I'm the goddamn last authority on Lost. JJ Abrams told me that he was, but then I punched him so hard in the dick it became a luscious vagina. You probably know him now as Jennifer Garner.

I watched the first 8 episodes of the truncated season and here's the good, the bad and the Patricia Arquette ugly.

LOST SEASON 4 GRATUITOUS GRAPHIC TO PAD ARTICLE LENGTH



THE GOOD

Thanks to the firm end-date from ABC, Damon Lindelof and the gang have been better able to pace the shows with more answers than questions being asked. There have been a few good questions posed, such as how the fuck did the polar bear get into the Tunisian desert (answer: George Lucas was riding around on it whilst filming Attack of the Clones) or did they just film a normal polar bear humping around the newly sandy arctic circle? (PS, my prediction is the Orchid Station).

The writers have been using Ben to great effect. The idea that Locke thinks he is integrating Ben into the Lockies while it appears quite naturally through the flash-forwards and other bits that Ben is slowly recruiting new people onto his Others' softball team. They've also managed to keep we the viewers guessing as to who is the bigger villain, Ben, or Charles Widmore, who's using the profits from Mode Magazine to hunt for the Island.

The new characters that have been good additions are Daniel "McFly" Farraday and Frank Lapidus. Farraday is an interesting character. He's fucking around with time, he doesn't really want to wage war for the Island and he's got some answers rattling around in his head. Thankfully he survived Saving Private Ryan to make it to the Island. Frank Lapidus seems like a good-guy in waiting. He's trying to be decent to as many folks as possible.

Thankfully, the writers are allowing Sayid to be Sayid. He needs to strangle the cunt out of more people. Turning in Michael to Captain Gault was priceless. While watching the last episode, I was praying that Sayid didn't buy Michael's bullshit sob-story and would remember that Michael is a turn-coat murderer. Which Sayid did. And fucked him more than Scott Rolen fucked the Jays' opening day prospects by fucking up his middle finger. The Jays should invest in some Lee Press-On nails this season, what with all the pansies wrecking them.

Desmond's flashback was television's equivalent of a boner. That was one of the best episodes of prime time television ever, let alone Lost. Mark my words, the whole story arc to Lost will be the reuniting of Penny and Desmond. It's their story; everybody elses thread just supports that main one.

Jin. Dead. Awesome.

THE BAD

Here we go. Where the fuck is Sawyer? DHARMA's going to have to put his fucking picture on the next round of milk cartons they drop because that guy is nowhere to be found on the Island. He boinked Kate, played horseshoes and crabbed through the jungle. What a goddamn waste. More Sawyer.

Less Juliet. I don't care that she was abused, threatened and had a rough life. She's a one-dimensional character anyway; she's the female foil to Jack. Whereas Jack is the one who won't give up no matter what, Juliet is the one who fails, gives up, feels bad and then cries.

The Tempest was such a goddamn throw away too. I saw on the ABC promo that there would be a new DHARMA station, the Tempest. I waited longer than I would have for a free fist-sized diamond to see the new station because I thought for sure, they would have another orientation video.

But no. No orientation video, no weird clanging intrigue, just a power station that makes enough poison gas to kill people. I guess DHARMA contracted Ontario Hydro to build it. The whole scene with Charlotte, Daniel and Juliet could have taken place by a valve in the middle of the jungle; it didn't NEED to be at a DHARMA station.

The two other new characters Charlotte and Miles? Fuck 'em. I don't care for either of them. Charlotte seems like a ginger-kid bitch and Miles' fucking ghost-whisperer routine would have been better if he had had Jennifer Love Hewitt's tits. I also thought Miles should have spat the grenade out of his mouth when Locke fed him his Breakfast of Champions.

Also, it's too bad that Sun is one of the Oceanic Six. I was hoping the helicopter would land awkwardly and one of the rotors would slice her head off. I don't care if it doesn't even make sense to the story, she needs to die too because she's another simplistic boring person. Besides, the title of Hottest Asian Chick on TV is already taken by Grace Park, Boomer on Battlestar Galactica. If they spliced her head onto Sun's, I'd at least stomach her character a little while longer.



THE UGLY

Where is this War for the Island that I was promised at the conclusion of Lost Season 3? I want machine guns, fuckers getting shot, gay Tom to come back from the dead and throw pink grenades around and the fate of the Island to be in doubt after the Oceanic Six leave.

Also, the worst ugliness of Season 4 has been the horrifying lack of two key things that excited the piss out of me and into my shorts last May.

Jacob and the Temple.

So far, we've had one glimpse inside his Angry Jungle Shack where Jack's dad, Christian was chilling out and playing some ping-fucking-pong and a reference for Alex, Rousseau and Ensign Dead-Boyfriend to hightail it to the Temple. How 'bout at least a good picture of either one? Just recycle some shots of the Jedi Temple on Yavin that the rebels were using as a hangar? That's what I picture anyway, so I don't want to be disappointed with some two-storey turd-building.

I hope Lost Season 4 has a better ending than the shit one I'm throwing out here for this article.