Comment Corner

Folks.

Do you have a Nintendo emulator yet? Here's how they work: You download one, and then you can play old Nintendo games on your computer until the buggy thing crashes and you're forced to hunt around flea markets and pawn shops for old NESes so you can play Mega Man games. Specifically, the only one that's really worth playing, Mega Man 2 (fuck you fuckers that like Mega Man 3, the slide only made things confusing)



WOO WOO, I'm Mega Man, stop dodging my laser blasts you sexy man in a stunning purple cashmere ensemble with the burnt ochre tiara! Wooooo! Hey hey hey hey, whatcha going to do with those drills sailor?

Here's Mega Man in a nuthsell. A slightly homosexual robot with an arm cannon is forced to jump through dungeons until he meets the robot master. The robot master of that particular dungeon at some point was a normal robot, corrupted to evil by a smacked out Albert Eintstein clone Dr. Wily. Each had a function and a functional name. So, Mega Man beat the shit out of them, put ribbons on their corpse and then ripped their weapon out to use as his own to beat the shit out of the next robot master. Think of a gay guy going around humping various other gay crime bosses to get their particular strain of Hep C or AIDS so he is that much more powerful to go to the next crime boss and use the AIDS against him. Now, repackage that into a cartoon format for kids and you've got yourself a hit motherfucking game my friends.

AIRMAN

I don't know Airman's original purpose. Unless his job was to give free blowjobs to tired air workers, he's essentially a walking vacuum cleaner, sans a Spanish accent and the hiding from immigration. He can make small tornados with his gun, so he could be what all those conspiracy theorists think wrecked New Orleans instead of a naturally occurring hurricane. After tearing off that gun, the rest of Airman was used for a torrid love affair with that weird Dyson vacuum guy who loves talking about sucking and blowing.

METALMAN

Metalman is like a snapped highschool shop teacher. After years of grinding his body down into unrecognizable stumps trying to teach kids how to make coat-racks and engine repair, he's gone mad, absorbed the sawblades and gears and started whipping them at every moving target he can find. The blades can go in any direction, so he's kind of got the aim of a coked-out Chevy Chase. Upon his defeat, Metalman used his three and a half remaining fingers to give freaky massages to fetish-obsessed business men in downtown hotels. Not the glorious ending for him that you'd thought it be, is it now?

CRASHMAN

While some unenlightened people thought that Crashman was originally an immigrant taxi-driver, nothing could be further from the truth. He was a fucking mad-ass unabomber type that couldn't call himself Bomberman, because some pansy other robot in a different game copyrighted himself. So, Crashman adapted by being able to fire his bombs out of a cannon. Some big-wig university professor touting the benefits of technology? No subtle letter-bomb to blow off his fingers, oh no. As soon as he walks out his front door to get in his Audi, blammo! Launched bomb to the throat. Surprisingly, after getting whupped by Mega Man, Crashman went on to write plays for a local theatre group and got some really nice reviews in the county paper.

WOODMAN

Woodman is Gepetto's unfinished bastard brother to Pinocchio. He was half carved out of a tree when Gepetto was drunk. Steeling himself into a vicious killer by watching videos of a baby chimp trying to revive its dead mother, Woodman stumbled on chucking leaves at people as his main weapon. Mega Man never ended up fighting Woodman. He came into his lair to discover that some local kids had kicked the shit out of him already, turned him into an Ikea TV stand and left his leaf-blower weapon for scrap.

BUBBLEMAN

This robot master wasn't created for any utility. He fell off a gay-pride parade float and then was recruited for evil. He swims and blows bubbles while wearing an underwater doctor outfit. After Mega Man beat him around the room, Bubbleman offered to pay him $50 if he'd do it again, but this time, call Bubbleman a worthless whore while doing so. Mega Man left in disgust, but $50 richer.

FLASHMAN

After years of getting arrested on street corners for flashing people hard enough to stop time, Dr. Wily recruited him to seduce Mega Man. Things went horribly wrong when Flashman was arrested down at the local park before he could fight Mega Man. Dr. Wily quickly inserted a strobe light into Flashman in the hope that Mega Man was really an epileptic Japanese child. After stealing the strobe light from Flashman, Mega Man carved him up and made him into soffet lighting for his home. Reduce, reuse and recycle children!

HEATMAN

Heatman was a walking flame-thrower. He probably had military applications, gas-tanks and kicked the fuck out of armies. He could turn himself into a flaming comet and just roar around the place. Seriously, in a gay recruitment game such as Mega Man 2, Heatman was there to pacify skeptical parents. After Mega Man stole his torch-arm thing, Heatman just went out, got a second one and continued on his merry way barbecuing whoever pissed him off.

QUICKMAN

Quickman was supposed to be the unofficial leader of the robot masters. Otherwise, he was this outback bushman type that pranced around and threw boomerangs at people, kind of like Australia's current Prime Minister, Boomerang Chuck. He was recruited during that weird late 80's Australia-Fever where Crocodile Dundee, Jocko, the Energizer spokesman and Yahoo Serious were all around. After the craze died down, Quickman got some success on Lost's Flight 815. You may have known him as Charlie, and thankfully he died in the Season 3 season finale.