Comment Corner

Folks, it has come to my attention that there's difference among us Canadians. We're not all cut from the same cloth it would seem. While some might argue that diversity is good, I for one believe that alternate opinions on anything lead to anarchy, the Resident Evil films, Chinese cockroach lead gum, faulty belief in an eleven year old girl causing crop blight in Costa Rica because her eyes were crossed during her first period and Al Franken.

So I see this as a time for a new Canada, a reinvigorated Canada, a less British Columbia-y Canada that everybody can enjoy.

The flag

First things first, Canadians would need a symbol they could turn to during their darkest times. A symbol that would console them, give them strength, hope and stamina for life's weighty trials. What do we have now? A fucking leaf? Won't cut it anymore. Rather than have a stupid leaf, Canada needs to have Han Solo, Batman and Jesus Christ combining their fists into a single super-punch of Hitler on the flag. The provincial flags would be a series of their awesome vehicles; like GI Jesus' Skystriker with the four confirmed kills.



Also, Tron would be featured on the quarter.

The National Anthem

O Canada is not a hopping tune. If my new Canada is going to enter into the world with a "Fuck Yeah!" attitude, O Canada is not going to scare our enemies. In this new unified Canada, Canadians are going to demand to rock-out with their cocks out. Consequently, in the spirit of Canadiana not found in the flag, Rush, the Tea Party, I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace and the fallen angel Satan will be locked into a room until they bust out the meanest fucking licks to grace guitars. The kind of riff that will shatter teeth, souls and pop the bras off of hot-chicks only at 40 paces. The kind of "smashtar" that when played at the Olympics during our fierce new streak of gold-medals will summon the elder god Al-Gorath the Leviathan up through the podium floor to eat the other competitors and any French judges.

The Barenaked Ladies will not be invited to the song writing affair. If they show up, they will be stripped naked and pushed down on hot asphalt like the damn nerds they are. One Week was pretty good.

The National Sport

Hockey and only hockey. Lacrosse can go fuck itself wherever it would hurt lacrosse the most. Shit, even baccarat would have been a better pick.

The New Provinces

In the spirit of truthiness, provinces would have to be renamed:

British Columbia: Hashish ColuNDP. I don't know how you pronounce the second word. Figure it out hippies.
Alberta: Oilhogerta.
Saskatchewan: Ironing board.
Manitoba: Maniwho?
Ontario: Odin-Zeus-Jupiteria
Quebec: Le Waaah.
New Brunswick: Fuck New Brunswick, it's out.
Nova Scotia: The other end.
PEI: Lucky to be here.
Newfoundland: Oilhogerta East.
Labrador is split off from Oilhogera East and renamed Steve.

The National Motto

Canada's new national motto will be either, "Oh yeah?" or "Yeah, whatever buddy".

The National Icons

The RCMP can stay as one of the national icons, but they're now outfitted with black and yellow X-Men style outfits. Also, each officer can give himself a cool codename like "Firefly" or "Novastorm". Moose are out and replaced with hot chicks wearing cone-shaped party hats. You won't even notice the moose are gone. Mountains are still there, but they can only be displayed as some sort of cool-o-meter on the side of a beer-can.

There you have it folks, a few ideas which would unite Canada into the most ass-kicking place on Earth and many other neigbouring planets. Including Saturn. Nobody trusts Saturn. And nobody trusts Saturns either. What the fuck does VUE mean?

Update

I'm lazy so I'm sticking this on here too:

COMMENT CORNER SPECIAL NEWS REPORT

Eyebrock Fact-Watch Day 33

Spectators eagerly awaiting the mysterious tell-nothing sage known only as Eyebrock to finally define the term "left-wing" were disappointed as day 32 slipped into yesterday. Many people speculated that day 32 would finally be the day that Eyebrock emerged from his cave, lifted his self-imposed cloak of stupidity and committed himself to fact. The crowd that has formed at the base of the cave has become more and more agitated with each passing day that results in a failure to have Eyebrock reveal a fact.

"I've been here since day 22 waiting for the Prophet to finally grace us with some facts," said one anxious onlooker who had quit his job as a copy editor for an area newspaper to follow the silent soothsayer. "I mean, sure, he can burp out a few British idioms here and there, chip-chip this and cheerio that, but why am I here listening if that's going to be the sole result?"

"I don't doubt that eventually he'll speak and reveal his true wisdom to us," said Debbie, a 26 year old mother of two. Debbie had spent much of the day drinking Thompson's Water-Seal and eating toner-ink sandwiches to slow her brain enough to fully appreciate the prophet's words. Her daughters Dallas and Pharaoh-Sue were also in attendance at the gathering at the base of Eyebrock's cave. "It's such a build-up, you know? I mean, you'd think that when he finally unloads a fact or two, it's gonna be like, whoa, you know? It's gonna be bigger than that time I won the Def Leopard tickets on the Q-Morning Zoo program with Todd and Hammer-Bill. Way bigger."

In a curious turn, the Catholic Church had sent representative Cardinals to the cave, not to uphold the impending miracle of Eyebrock uttering a fact, but rather to dismiss it as hoax. One cardinal, Cardinal St. Louis, cited many occassions where Eyebrock had been on the verge of uttering fact, but had instead, simply not. "We in the Holy Cee do not find there to be anything divine about this Eyebrock. To us, he is yet another false prophet who makes many claims yet backs none of them up. Did Jesus not resurrect Lazarus? Indeed he did. Did Eyebrock ever read George Orwell? Not even God knows for sure but has gone on record saying, "If Eyebrock read George Orwell, I'll shoot cancer-curing fire out of My all-powerful ass.""

Carol, a nosy bitch from up the street said, "Mustn't it be nice to be so high and mighty, all up there on a cave with everybody listening but never having to come up with anything? Oh sure, I ranked Canadians once too. It was easy, pssh, nothing to it. I'm the best Canadian since I'm the only one who's ever jumped to the moon and back. See how nicely that works out? Claim to have done something that nobody can prove you didn't do and then just pat yourself on the back for it. Sake's alive, how come everybody's waiting for him to finally say a fact? I just did the same thing...where's my patient crowd?"

Even though the crowd was assembled at the base of what some are calling "Mount Ignorance" in hushed anticipation of Eyebrock finally stating a fact, much gossip was passed as to whether or not international impressario Dayseed was battling atomic robot donkey-monkeys from his mobile underwater nuclear command centre codenamed "That Guy You Play As In Halo" or was instead touring the Moroccan coast being a sexy raconteur bacarrat player. All were in agreement that if Dayseed is so boring to Eyebrock, why does he continue to comment? Much hope was placed that the fact Eyebrock was anticipated to utter would have something to do with that if it ended up not being a definition of "left-wing"

All the onlookers fell silent as noon approached and Eyebrock emerged from his cave. Without much fanfare he simply stated, "Arrogant cabbages with jam booties!" and returned to within its shadowy recess.

Eyebrock Fact-Watch continues. Catch the Comment Corner Mobile Reporter for more late breaking Eyebrock Fact-Watch news, also sports and local weather.