Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Transformers: The Movie

Folks, if you haven't checked out the trailer to Transformers: The Movie, you should seriously not do it. (No, I don't remember where I looked at it on the internet, look it up yourself.) The latest piece of shit from Michael Bay's ass has all the hallmarks of the rape of a childhood memory. The movie seems to revolve around some busted Mars rover accidently bumping into this angry piece of scrap Decepticon who summarily blasts the fuck out of the rover like an LA cop on a jay-walker. According to other reports, Optimus Prime will sport flame decals on the side of his cab. In keeping with this hick fucking Nascar trend, Optimus Prime will also have a gun-rack, Confederate flag and will drive full-bore through peace-rallies, stem-cell research labs and gay weddings. Bumblebee's wedding to be precise. You've got the touch indeed Michael Bay, and that touch is the touch of mind-fucked dementiatic syphillis. Lastly, Prowl was the best Autobot.

Spiderman 3

I watched the trailer to this one too. While it appears that Venom will take a central role in the film, played by none other than stick figure Topher Grace, Sam Raimi is flirting with dangerous ground already proven to be tragically ruinous by Joel SchufuckeduptheBatmanfranchisemacher. Not realizing that extra villains is no substitute for the lack of say, a plot and coherency, Schumacher blindly stumbled on with dumb-ass villain after villain crammed into a 90 minute shitfest. Once he was done filming the on screen murder of the Batman franchise, Schumacher reportedly turned his attention to a movie wherein the Green Lantern would fight Hannibal Lector, Clarence Boddiker, the fat chick from Misery and a robotic karate dinosaur made from drawings his retarded son drew him on a Denny's placemat. Fuck I hate Joel Schumacher and I don't even remember what movie trailer I was talking about thanks to that dick.

Trailer Park Boys: The Big Dirty

It's not so much a trailer as it is a hastily filmed "holder" until actual footage can be shown. Fuck you Mike Clattenburg, film some new shit and put it on your site. Bubbles is funny.

Lady in the Water

Fuck you M. Night Shamalayanamanasha, is this some sort of sick celluloid joke? This is the kind of filmed turd that is available for sale on DVD as you walk out of the theater after having choked down your barf for the last 90 minutes. Apparently, the movie itself is out now, but, fittingly, nobody gave two shits. Make the 6th Sense 2 for Christ-sakes, except this time, the twist ending is that it's a good movie. Nobody will see that coming you Signs-directing water-phobic alien bitch.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Wasn't this already filmed, I hear some of you asking. Yes, but since Hollywood is both creatively and morally bankrupt, that won't stop the march of just refilming shit and chucking it up as a profit-seeking hail-Mary. This time, however, the movie is animated (actually, the trailer is animated and I'm too lazy to do anymore research to see if the rest is too) but the fact remains that somehow, the safety of New York City will reside in the thalidomide-baby-like hands of four mutant pets most likely to be killed by an eager three year old, a glass bowl and a bubble bath. With no sense of irony lost, Warner Bros has incorporated a sewer cover into the movie's logo. Perhaps their crystal ball of forecasting is actually working...

And that folks, is just a smattering of some of the movies you can look forward to in the future, unless you find something more interesting to do than these, like pick dirt off a street corner so the hookers don't get their clear plastic highheels smudged. Pimp-janitor, good career move, just don't expect Joel Schumacher to let you bust into his new career so easily.