Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Here's the deal: I watch the movie trailers, I comment on them.

Rocky Balboa

Sylvester Stallone, in the twilight years of his "acting" career, has decided to come out of retirement to allow one final bashing of his seminal character. Not surprisingly, that's also the plot of this fucking turd. Rocky Balboa is watching ESPN when he sees that an XBOX 360 predicted he would be able to beat up the current heavyweight champion. Rocky, as fucking dumb as the execs who thought this would be box-office gold based on a Phil of the Future Gameboy Advance simulation of the insulted sensibilities of the American public, tries to train such that he could fulfill the prophecy of an XBOX. And then his iPod beeped a song and he launched into an anti-Semetic tirade against his arresting officer. No wait, that's another Hollywood hasbeen.

The Simpsons Movie

Now that this once great television series has crashed and burned well into the unfunny realm of things like leukemia, animal abuse and global warming, 20th Century Fox has decided to milk an additional 10 bucks out of people who once laughed along with the show. The trailer itself is nothing more than a snippet of Homer sitting on the couch. Which is where I imagine most people with any sort of respect for themselves will be sitting when the current crop of Simpsons' writers unleash a series of nerdy fanboy injokes previously rejected by Cracked magazine.

Apocalypto

Yup, this movie is directed by none other than Mel "Daddy Says Das Juden is Verboten" Gibson. The trailer begins by waxing philosophically about the end of civilization. Next, there's a whole lot of abandoned step-pyramids and then fire, fire, fire imagery. Mel likes it when things burn, but there's not an oven to be seen! Nice job at hiding your insanity for a few frames! Then he recycles the old ending of Michael Jackson's Black or White video where a black panther goes apeshit for a little bit. What does it have to do with anything? Fucked if anybody knows. Lastly, Mel inserts footage of an eclipse, which according to the voice-over of Mel, is when Jewish bankers descend from Alpha Centauri in their Starbrews under cloak of darkness to start wars, dominate Hollywood and get Joey kicked off the air permanently. That wacky Mel! This movie has gas-station bargain bin written all over it.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Fuck, I'm tired from typing out the title. In short, a boring trailer that's only redeeming feature is that it wins the "Ham Fisted Imagery for Retards Who Couldn't Predict It From the Title Alone" Award for the final bit where Brad Pitt blows out a candle, hinting, for those in the theatre too retarded to distinguish dog shit from airliners, that Brad Pitt is going to get snuffed.

Zoom

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a festering devil escaped from the bowels of Hell, traveled to Earth committing acts of unspeakable evil for two millenia and then took the scripts of the Incredibles, Spy Kids and That's So Raven and merged them into a single nightmare of epic proportions? You'd have Zoom, also starring Tim "Cocaine" Allen as he comes off his Academy Award winning performance of not being in parts of the Shaggy Dog. Also learned from this trailer, Columbia Pictures hates originality almost as much as it hates humour and you.