Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

It's been a while since the Corner has dispensed sagely advice about how to conduct yourself each day. Sometimes, it ranges from the small, "more worthless than Katie Holmes new hairdo being called matted post-birth rat twat" advice like make sure your shoe is tied, tee hee, to the more obvious, shouldn't have had to tell you "Good Lord why did Jennifer Love Hewitt try to chunk herself into that bikini" advice like don't fuck a car door jamb, regardless of whether or not its moving.

But, as Christmas time approaches, here are a few phrases you can help choke from society, giving everybody's ears a much needed rest. Be warned, they're fucking terrible and worse than snagging an eyelid on a hobo's zipper.

WAS THAT MY OUTSIDE VOICE? USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE

These are two sides of the same shit coin. The first obviously being the rich, witty repartee of a fat-ass lady bitching because there wasn't enough almond in her goddamn Starbuck's biscotti. Side note: Starbuck's biscotti sucks so bad it could suck a moving whale out of the ocean. It's old shitty cookie they bought from a long defunct nuclear bomb-shelter made in the 50's. Don't buy it. Rice Krispie squares...not so bad. The second half of the coin is what other people get to say if they're quicker than the fat bitch.

The obvious problem with this phrase is that it's tired. It's been around since about 1999 or so, when the cool kids first discovered it, but now it's trickled down to idiots who believe they've stolen George Carlin's soul for a brief second to unleash comic wickedness.

But really, the second problem with this phrase is that it's usually said to mitigate a wildly stupid original utterance. Chances are, somebody has said something like they'd love to park a car tire on the boss' head and watch his skull shatter and his brains pop out. Normally, this is Omaha-Mall Kid type speak that should land one firmly in the nuthatch. However, "Was that my outside voice?" somehow tries to place the speaker back into the realm of the sane by inferring the whole thing was meant to by a Def-Jam comedy piece. "Use your inside voice" is said in the exact same circumstances.

If somebody says this, don't let them assuage their original insanity. Just say, "Yeah, guessing about voices ought to help you at trial...fucker."

BACK AT...

Ever had somebody new get hired by your company and he/she used to work at a different company and EVERYTHING that old comapny did is somehow worthy of mention at every crossroads YOUR company faces? Let's just say the photocopier is broken because somebody tried to use dog shit as a toner replacement, whatever. While you're all standing around wondering whether or not you should fix it yourselves or just call the lazy fucking service dick, new guy pops his head in and says "Back at Black & Decker, we blappity-fucking-blap-blap."

Here's the thing, if the idea being proposed is any fucking good, it doesn't need to be prefaced or qualified as being used by others elsewhere. A good idea stands alone man. The only reason the "Back at..." horsefuck is used is because the idea is shaky at best and it needs that pump of past success to bolster its chances of being used here. Hey, shit, sometimes, the "Back at..." idea is just whacked right the fuck out and that's just comical.

If such a new guy unloads one of these fecal bombs at a decision-making time, you should quickly announce, "Good suggestion Donald! We'll stand guard here while you go outside and check the logo on the side of the building. AND IF IT DOESN'T SAY BLACK AND DECKER DON'T COME THE FUCK BACK IN UNTIL THE CRISIS IS OVER."

THE 70s/80s CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR <BLANK> BACK

Once again, here's a phrase that made it's debut in the 90s, where it was hip, fun and Seinfeld fresh. It was a way of calling out a fucker that couldn't be bothered to buy new clothes or cut his hair in fashion. Rather than just smash him one in the mouth with a chunk of car, verbal social ostracism was employed. It was also damn effective too, because the user could slam in some good pop-culture references too, just to show they're not a fucking pretender. "Hey Donna Dixon, the 80's called and they want their puffy hairdo back, they're reissuing Spies Like Us and need it! Slut!"

But, once again, the cool kids stopped using the phrase because it became adopted by society's loose change.

Now, if you catch somebody using this, especially to you, feel free to pick up the nearest object with a good heft and wing it directly at their face. But before doing it, just add "Hey shitlump, when you hit 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit. Drop off the hairdo yourself."

Then...BLAMMO! Clock radio in the face.

That's it. C'est fin.