Comment Corner

Normally, this site on the internet is actually a haven from the distraught and angry voter out there who, come election time, is forced to sickeningly choose between a lump of dog shit, a pile of puke or stale squirrel after-birth on the ballot card. In Canada, and Ontario too (but I repeat myself), one vote has to do triple duty: It must select the local candidate, leader AND political party. That lone vote is busier than Britney Spear's publicist scooping her neglected soiled kids out of a dumpster, answering calls from Pepsi as to why Britney showed up naked and fucked a couch at the set of the new commercial and delousing whatever the fuck Kevin Federline touched the last time he greased by the mansion.

Another kicker is that intelligent people are given the same one vote that idiotic retards are. Some goober out there who picks cotton lint-bombs from his ass-hair while watching I Do, Let's Eat! on Slice gets the same vote you do. Nothing's worse than the committed voter. This is the jerk-tits that's a die-hard for whatever shitty party they committed to tribally. It doesn't matter if that party publicly declares they're going to raise taxes, ban English from movie theatres and spray the atmosphere into deep space; these precious asses are going to find some way to rationalize it into the best idea ever had in Canada since that time Parliament forced the sterilization of the ginger-kid bassist in the Barenaked Ladies.

What's a sane voter to do? Another option is to be that beef-fucker who shows up at the polling station and loudly declares his intention to cast either a blank or spoiled ballot. Don't be that guy. He fucks pieces of beef and accomplishes nothing. Better to stay home and watch a PVR of the Bionic Woman fighting Starbuck on top of a building (hey, that's from the premiere episode!)

No, better to exercise your franchise by getting up off the couch, walking down to stand in line at a gym, church or bus-stop and carry this handy-dandy Comment Corner voting guide to the 2007 Ontario Provincial Election:

LIBERALS



Pros: Dalton McGuinty has an easily imitatable voice. Try it yourself! If you can speak...in short...stilted phrases...with your sleeves...rolled up...you can probably be on the Royal Canadian Air Farce to do the incumbent. They're also winning in the polls...back the winning party and rub other people's faces in it! The province is running smoothly; he's an adequate steward of the province, if not an inventive visionary.

Cons: McGuinty broke a shitload of promises. So has Sony, Apple and Microsoft. You don't see them crying like babies, do you? Wait? HOW MUCH did Microsoft have to set aside to fix the broken Xbox 360s? A billion and a FUCKING HALF? Wow, up your's McGuinty, you've got some 'splainin' to do. Also, McGuinty has no fucking idea what to do with Indians. Caledonia, Brantford, these protest sites baffle the living shit out of him and he comes up with assinine solutions which defy court orders and embolden fighting the government. Can McGuinty be trusted to shut the hell up and leave dealing with the native unrest to the OPP who seemed absolutely brilliant when the Deseronto Mohawk threatened to shut down the 401? Let the OPP handle the natives and McGuinty stick to keeping hospitals open.

CONSERVATIVES



Pros: John Tory doesn't seem like a liar. Also, his name matches the party's nickname...coincidence or providence? His party has that lock on appealing to the frustrated in Ontario; those people that scratch their heads when the government cuts a $1.5 million dollar cheque to a cricket club and screws over parents of autistic children with only enough money to buy the entire Life Goes On series on VHS to show the autistic kids while they flip the lights on and off really quickly to simulate the anger of God.

Cons: Three words: Fucking and religious and schools. Bravo John Tory, you just alienated provincial voters who have a brain. Now, any craptastic little religious sect is going to be demanding tax dollars to teach their particular little interpretation of some invisible man in the sky's eternal will to kids who'd rather hack iPhones to watch Robot Chicken anyway. School should consist of learning facts, not belabouring 2,000 to 1,400 year old guesses about the origin of the world and where you go when you die. Even though John Tory says that the Ontario curriculum will be taught, what he doesn't tell you is that before dinosaurs are taught to kids, there will be three weeks of lessons learning that Jesus Christ used his magical powers to bury all the dinosaur bones as a little joke to future paleontologists. Then dinosaurs will be dismissed as an incomplete theory before kids resume building lego Arks of the Covenant. Lastly, John Tory is a personal loser. He can't win shit. He backed Kim Campbell's campaign in 1993...nice job Mr. Two Seats In Parliament! Then, he wanted to be mayor of Toronto...say hello to Mel Lastman! Fuck him, he's a worse power-hungry whore than Olivia Chow.

NDP



Pros: The NDP like orange, which is a festive fall colour. They stand up for the common worker, which isn't a bad thing, and they believe in investing in green power stuff.

Cons: Most people probably skipped over the Pros to get straight to the Cons about this party. Jumping Fucking Jesus Christ, do you actually need to be told not to vote for the NDP? They're batshit insane. The last time they held power in this province they massacred things worse than Michael Vick culling the losers from his kennel. Howard Hampton is a big fat bloated asshole who shitted up his tenure as head of the SIU and put it on a collision course with being flushed when he decided their mandate should be to show why the police were wrong to do whatever they did rather than determine the legitimacy of their actions. Their current platform once again consists of buckets of handouts to losers from the pockets of the working. The NDP would set up drug-injection sites for junkies in your neighbourhood so fast it would make your head spin as you puked from how fast your property values plummeted. Steer clear of the this party.

Green Party



Pros: Who?

Cons: What?

Family Coalition



Pros: The political home of Dummy Matt.

Cons: Believe they're the living embodiment of Jesus Christ's vision for a better Ontario.

And there you have it folks, the choices for voices you've got in this upcoming Ontario election. I'm writing in Jack Sheppard as a choice, I just hope we get the Island version and not the oxycodone-addicted loser version once he's off the Island...oh fuck, SPOILER ALERT!