Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks, there's been a recent spate of people on here who promulgate conspiracy theory which they have dragged from the shittiest internet poop-ditches. They come here, they post that Princess Diana was mentioned in the Pumpkin Papers, Kurt Cobain traveled back in time to shoot JFK with a signed copy of Bleach and/or ALF was a CIA sponsored MK-Ultra program designed to seize mental control of a nation's genitals through the wacky antics of a cat-eating muppet.

The common thread through all conspiracy theories? They're lazily researched, they operate primarily on trying to wedge open inconsistencies in an "official" story (their term, not mine), they sell emotion and they satisfy gullible minds seeking satisfaction in paranoia.

In short, conspiracy theories are absolute crapple that usually fly directly in the face of academic history, replete with independently verifiable facts, fact-suggested theories, solid conclusions and ample support.

But that doesn't stop the little nutters from their quest for the "truth." And in this quest for the "truth", they never stop to define "truth" other than the "truth" somehow satisfies a deeply rooted belief that chance has been eliminated from the world and all bad things happen as a result of well-designed plans by a hidden cabal of domineers. Also, these domineers are protected by lazer kangaroos and nuclear moon-bugs.

So, on the wheel grinds, turning factual grist into churned apeshit. But the additional slap in the face all of these people are fond of giving is the one they usually resort to when factually challenged. That is, the challenger isn't "open-minded." They refuse to "open" their eyes and see the "truth" laid plainly before them! Can't you just tell that the British Royal Family conspired with the help of Freemasons to create the android Hillary Duff as a way to indoctrinate children into ratting out Falun Gongists hiding in Iowa? Like, here's a website owned by a gas-station manager who totally says its true!

But open-mindedness is a two-way street, conveniently forgotten by the paranoid conspiracy theorist. There has yet to be a SINGLE one of them who has ever posted their pet theory about Zionists controlling yam futures from an underwater mobile command center, been refuted with fact who has in turn said ANYTHING akin to, "Wow, since I am so open-minded, I will incorporate this new data into my theory about Jew Yam Control." It never happens and it won't happen no matter how many times their theories get dunked like Simon LeBon tied to the windmill in the Wild Boys video.

Instead, when confronted with the contradictory evidence, usually supplied via verfiable fact, they attack the challenger him/herself, belittling them into ceasing their attack. If you can't defeat the message, shoot the messenger.

Don't be fooled by tin-hat, toothbrush munching, superstitious paranoiacs trying to convince you to accept their cracked theories without critical analysis by shaming or belittling you into lowering your guard/standards/bullshit detectors. Every time one of them says that the Green Lantern Corps is real and you're just not open-minded enough, know then that you're being asked to swallow a heaping tablespoon of grade-A unadulterated prison-strength horseshit.

The Comment Corner urges you to heed this advice. If you're one of the fucking nutters reading this, could you please stop running the water in your kitchen? We're getting bad reception from the mind-reading device we have installed in your kettle. Also, guess which mailman has been slipping Tourette's Syndrome dermal powder all over your Maclean's?