Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

There are some on this board who hold this city very near to their hearts. Some of those people are the Comment Corner's biggest boosters. Some of these people may need to skip over this article and wait for the next installment, CSIS Masons Got Me Pregnant with CIBC money so I couldn't sue Shaw: The Batshit Insane Musings of Gangstalking as written by her Battle-Hardened Army of Mental Demons.

However, we next turn to Ottawa, Canada's capital, home of the Senators and, by and large, Toronto's frumpy, unfucked sister.

Subways

Does Ottawa have a subway system? Nope. What it does have, instead of a mass transit system, is the highest density of the annoying Jon Lovitz restaurant. No street corner is complete in Ottawa unless it has even the smallest Subway restaurant ingrained into it. There is nowhere in Ottawa one cannot "eat fresh". Wendy's, McDonald's, Harvey's or Taco Bell have all been relegated to one, maybe two stores in the downtown area. Mr. Sub is a fucking dead-on-arrival rumour in Ottawa. Mr. Sub, in Ottawa, is that fat guy Subway hired to look less fat than he originally did. Honest to God, there are Subway franchises opening in the goddamn bathroom of OTHER Subway restaurants. It is out of control. But why quibble over one particular restaurant? Well, 'cuz there IS only one fucking restaurant down there. But that's okay, I can always get my Timmy's.

Starbucks

Or not. Starbucks also has a merciless strangle-hold on Ottawa. Coming in at an average 3 Starbucks per 2 sidewalk tiles, you've really got no honest choice for morning beverages. However, should you manage to locate one of the Tim Horton's they've got spattered around and hidden, you'll enjoy the long, long lineups as the hold-outs of real coffee cluster and cling to it. But what if I'm rather busy during the day?

Open your stores!

Ottawa nullifies itself at 6:00 pm sharp. Storeclerks, eager to not sell things to people downtown, will start loading and readying the shotguns come 5:45 and they're not the least bit bashful about pumping a few rounds into the ceiling tiles to get the point across they're done for the day trying to make an economy work. If you've ever seen Silent Hill, you'd feel instantly at home walking around downtown Ottawa at 6:01. There is not a soul around. The Royal Mint must secretly flood Ottawa with reams of new cash every day because I don't know how the downtown doesn't collapse.

Parliament Hill

Apparently we've learned nothing from 9/11. Want to walk up to the Speaker of the House's entrance to the Commons at any time during the day or night naked and shit on the doorknob? Feel fucking free! I feel for the poor RCMP officers who have to dart from important poorly-lit building to important poorly-lit building without aid of anything but a car and a keen pair of eyes.

Gatineau/Hull

The north side of the Rideau is rather an alien place once one leaves the familiar grounds of Ontario. The lightstandards are all bent, people drive the meanest, shittiest 1970's beaters they can find and go waaaaay too fast through stopsigns, clipping each other's cars and scattering bumpers all over the curbs. One intersection had no less than 2435 damaged car parts, from which native Gatineauers were scavenging enough parts to reform a Frankenstein's Pontiac Laurentian from glue, spit and hope. However, at least they managed to fend off the horrific proliferation of Starbucks and Subways on that side of the Victoria bridge.

Also a hint: The Alexandra bridge past the National Gallery? I thought I was driving on a fucking steam-pipe with no way off. Paint that.

Sussex Drive

There. You people managed to get one thing right. It was an interesting drive. Now, kick the GG off of her land and put in a goddamn Swiss Chalet there.

Other oddities

1. While on the Ridea Hall grounds, I found an acorn with the top all shattered and broken off underneath the tree JFK planted.

2. I passed a sign which read "Slow Children At Play." Congratulations on herding the dummies together! Nice!

3. Whoever anchors your CTV 6:00 news is easily the most haggard open-secret alcoholic I've ever seen. His hair is all disheveled, his clothes dont' fit and he's constantly swallowing down the little bits of gin-puke that creep up his throat.

4. Sparks Street is nothing to brag about. And certainly not after 6:00.

Overall, I'd have to give Ottawa, based on the criteria I just made up, a 5.5/10. It's got potential and I can understand the truth to the motto, "Technically Beautiful."

Maybe if you shape up your city enough, someday somebody will send you a real hockey team. Nice!