Comment Corner

Folks,

Every so often, there's an actor so overrated he gains the title of "Philip Seymour Hoffman". Named for the terrible actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman, a fat tub of failure who sucked up Mission Impossible III more than Topher Grace sucked up Spiderman 3, it's generally awarded to an ugly actor who appears in almost everything and generally sucks dick. The Big Lebowski was a good film about a man trying to get a rug that tied a room together back; Hoffman was like a tumour sapping the film. God he's a bad actor.



Paul Giamatti is such an actor. He appears in the background of good movies as a bit player, but like a dead skunk underneath the patio, he stenches it up good even though you can barely see him. Look at that fucker. God damn is he ugly. You could save your film a bunch of money and have an equally ugly fucker with no acting talent for a fraction of the cost if you got Mythbusters Adam Savage to drink a bucket of syrup of ipecac and yell out his lines while throwing up.



Let's take a look at some of the worst train wrecks Paul Giamatti has profaned Jesus Christ with:

Big Fat Liar

What the fuck? Malcolm in the Middle plays a little lying shit who loves Amanda Bynes. The paper-thin plot hinges on Paul Giamatti stealing Malcolm's essay and trying to instantly make it into a movie. The big payoff of the film? Malcolm paints Giamatti blue. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Fuck you Hollywood. Here's a free tip; don't hire Giamatti for the live-action Smurf movie.

Lady in the Water

This is just a massive brain hemmorhage of a film. Some water bitch is living in a motel pool. M. Night Shamaalalayalananyan plays a fucking tit writer who is destined to do something small to help the water tart, but Giamatti, guess fucking who, is the star of the show is supposed to protect the overgrown fishwoman from evil doers looking to do her in. I don't know how it ends, I stopped watching it the instant I came down from being stunned so goddamn badly by such a shit movie.

The other real problem is that Giamatti sucks as an actor. I don't know how the fuck you play a superintendant poised to save Aquafairy, but either did Giamatti.

Sideways

I don't like wine. I don't think it's sophisticated and I don't think it's intrinsically better than any other drink. Consequently, me seeing a movie about Giamatti and Sandman touring wine country and banging Sandra Oh was a mistake. The plot was unassailably bad. I haven't a goddamn clue why Giamatti was congratulated for the kick-in-the-balls performance he lazily farts onto the screen. He did get me to believe he was a divorced loser English teacher though; maybe that's something.

But Giamatti did tits up other movies. Somehow, he snuck his fugly bug-eyed shit-licking face into Saving Private Ryan and the Truman Show.

The only movie I actually enjoyed him in was Private Parts as Pig Vomit. Watching Howard Stern battle that piece of human backwash into the ground, including storming his office for the live broadcast while Pig Vomit spazzed out was priceless.

But that's it. Otherwise, Paul Giamatti can be fired from a cannon headfirst into a dishwasher.

That's a good ending on two levels.