Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

Here's an unfortunate trend that I've noticed growing with unprecedented ferocity at each and every one of our gas-stations that offers a squeegee, bucket o' maybe-water and paper-towels.

That trend is some cheap fucker cleaning his entire minivan with the squeegee. Have you seen this yet? What is supposed to be offered as a complimentary self-service from the gas-station turns into an orgy of frugal bastardness. While I haven't yet seen somebody remove a clunky old boombox from the rear seat, pop in a Rose-Royce cassette with Carwash (by the by, I can't stand the Shark-Tale piece-of-shit Christina Aguilerilaiae version. It's sanitized for no particular reason and evinces the urge to tear a new hole in my throat so I can barf that much faster. Ditto for the new pussified version of Life is a Highway. Fuck Cars.) and just wash away the caked-on layers of dirt of his 1997 "vintage" Toyota Sienna, I can't imagine it's too far off in the future.

Nevermind the arrogance of simply tying up a pump-spot for that long either. Jesus Christ, it's not like gas is 69 cents too often, but el-cheapo here is going to make a whole evening of it and screw the rest of us that just wanted to get gas. I'm surprised he didn't dress up the wife in some Value-Village Bic-pen blue dress with grossly fake pearls and send her inside to pick out some Momma Michelina insta-dinners. While he's washing the car and soaking up spilled gas with a sponge to strain into his fearsome vehicle, she could be microwaving up a feast inside. Once done, he could join her and pinch all the little 2% milk containers for the coffee into the cups. I don't imagine it's too far outside the nature of these people to messily devour the spaghetti bolognase right there at the coffee mixing counter before stripping naked and having some of the ugliest sex on the planet near the energy drink display.

Once done smashing their poverty crotches together, off they'd go, hand in hand to pay for their disaster including maybe a pepperoni stick for dessert.

If people are cheap, that's fine. Mind the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves. However, making grand pigs of themselves by abusing the hell out of free services isn't just cheap, it's a new stratum of assholery. If I were the least bit clairevoyant, I would take a whizz in the squeegee pit right before they scrub down their poorly maintained wagon.

Somehow, I'd think I'd receive a round of applause rather than castigation for them spreading a fine layer of piss all over their car.

I'm just here to help.