Comment Corner

Folks, the ugly tale of Steven Truscott will have to wait a quick spell, there are other much more pressing matters that require immediate attention. The tale of the murdered girl and her liar killer will have to wait.

And what will it wait for?

THREE PIECES O' BULLSHIT

Yup, three pieces o' bullshit. Three things that are enough to bring a man's piss to a boil, cause him to whip his kid's Lego spaceship out the front door and onto the sidewalk, pausing to see if it shatters, and if it doesn't, angrily stomp out the door, tromp over to the ship, jump up and down on it, slip, call the Lego spaceship a "piece of whore", trudge back inside and slam the door.

Slippery fucking Lego.

And what are these three pieces o' bullshit?

FORMULA-1 PAPER-BOY VANS

Do you live in a modern neighbourhood? If you do, you know that concept of the paperboy is dead. Maybe too many were killed in gangland shootings, embezzled subscriber money or delivered papers to a whacked out Paula Abdul nutjob who abducted 34 of them and chained up in his basement where he's waiting for them to molt into their true alien forms.

In the stead of the paperboy is the asshole guy who delivers three hundred papers a morning, in his piece of shit minivan, roaring around the neighbourhood at Mach 5 with his dick hanging out.

Ever want to see a 1991 Dodge Caravan leave 12 feet of skid marks? Simply put one in the employ of a loser paperman delivering shitloads of papers and put the next house 15 feet down the street from the last delivery. He'll floor the fuck out of the minivan, the chrome roof rack will threaten to finally fall off and by the time he's going 70, he'll slam on his flash-fried brakes to skid his bald 1973 Uniroyal tires to a blaring halt a mere 15 feet from where he started. Then, he'll get out, throw the paper into the eavestrough, get back into his van and floor it to the next house; the rusted muffler and the bumper dragging along behind him, competing to see who can throw the most sparks at his worn gas-tank.

Fuck these people.

I can't imagine that the $.20 a paper they get paid is worth the absolutely terrible gas-mileage they must get; also, since they drive around with the interior lights always on, I can see they've usually got an extra-large Timmies slopping around in there. They must profit a whopping $5 a week, at best, for all of their hideous effort. Nothing can excuse the woeful driving habits either. It's not enough the compressed rust wagon will probably shudder to bits the next time the damn thing has to come to a screeching halt from 80, but somehow, the paperman also veers backwards through intersections, parks on the sidewalk if it suits him, uses lamp-posts to help him stop et cetera.

It's a roller-coaster nightmare that's simply got to stop. It's a piece o' bullshit.

ACCIDENTAL HANG-UP HOEDOWN

Ever been talking with somebody on the telephone when all of a sudden, it disconnects? Then you sit there staring at the motherfucking telephone wondering if you did it, did they do it, who should call back whom, how long to wait if it's going to be you to call because they may not have hung up the phone yet and all you'll get is that annoying "off-the-hook eh-eh-eh" noise that makes you grind your teeth.

Here's the simple solution from the Comment Corner that should become the industry standard.

Upon accidental disconnect, both parties immediately race to the phone to hang the bitch up. No fucking around allowed. Next, the person who made the first call will call back after 20 seconds.

I'm sick of dropped calls leading to three or four minutes of panicked dialing. It's insane, it's fucking stupid and it's a piece o' bullshit.

Side note: When the cell-phone coverage drops to a shitty amount, please, whoever's on the landline, please, please don't keep saying, "Hello?" over and over again. If you can't hear me, wait 10 seconds and hang up. The above rule will then apply.

OLD AND YOUNG PEOPLE FLYING PLANES

Is this society whacked the fuck out? You'd never let a 7 year old drive a car through traffic, nor an 82 year old, so why the hell do we let them suit up and pretend to be competent pilots? It's narcissistic of these selfish young or old bastards to continue doing so. What can a 7 year old really do? They can't take a punch to the face, they can't read worth shit and their ideas involve ponies or laser moon-rockets. 82 year olds are happy not to shit themselves. Yet, somehow the government conveniently overlooks the flying terrors that they become when indulgent moron parents or dickheaded old people decide that the sky is a really big place and what can go wrong?

Ask the fuckers in that Richmond apartment building what can go wrong.

At least the Air National Guard had the good sense to overlook GW Bush's lack of flying rather than force him into a cockpit; let's not compound the problem with idiot children and senile old unco-ordinated motherfucks tooling around up there.

It's idiotic, it's a complete waste of time and it's a piece o' bullshit.

Fuck!