Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Forum fans, have you ever been at a party or some other such social gathering where there is talking, milling, mingling and merry cavorting? If you haven't, try washing. If you have, chances are that you've been subjected to some tired old retreaded pre-packaged EZ2UZE-Laffs which serve only to enhance the idea of being the jester in the eyes of that person.

Simply put, the party is humming along and some pencil-dick cripple-fucker is going to chill the good mood with canned humour. These pet phrases don't work and they need to be forevermore retired. Read on for a selection of the most offensive "jokes" a barmy berk can make.

I'm not going to go there

This phrase, or its sister "I'm not going to touch that!", tries to impart in the mind of others that the utterer is a witty raconteur of the highest echelon who has on the cusp of his or her lips a rejoinder which would bring the stoutest, most taciturn men to their knees, buckled with laughter. In reality? These dicks are clever enough to recognize that a situation has presented itself in which a competent jokester could make a delicious joke, but they're too incompetent to do it themselves. So, they bluff. They're not John Hinkley, you're not Ronald Reagan; they don't have a shot. So...torture these pretentious dongs by turning their supposed wit against them. Feel free to let the questions fly like you're really interested! When somebody says, "And then I found out that the well was bone-dry..." and this socialite says, "Bone dry? I'm not going to go there..." followed by nervous glances to make sure the rest of the group understands their pretense, immediately follow it up with, "Why not? We're all adults here! Let fly with your salty talk!" Just watching them squirm to back out of making the joke should be funny enough to have you shit your pants. And if they try to pull this plane out of its nose dive by actually MAKING the joke, keep nothing but the straightest face and say, "Oh." If you've successfully co-opted the group to your side, a quick follow up of "Cripple-fucker" under your breath should bring their self-induced flight of fancy crashing to the ground faster than if John Denver and JFK Jr were piloting.

Too much information

This phrase is arguably meant to dominate you. Suppose you're telling a hilarious story about how your dog barfed and you add in some spicy detail about how the chewed rice spelled "WOOF" on the carpet and some yo-yo whips out "Too much information". In the lower red states, you're legally allowed to kill this fucker, but in Canada, pacifism prevails allowing this person to both silence you with a shitty joke AND assert their superiority. It's a dick move on their part so you have to be quick to follow up their comment by committing wholly to whatever upset their fragile morals in the first place. In the above example, apparently vomit was the offending culprit, so batten down the hatches and sail onward. Always repeat the phrase back, but as a question. "Too much information?" Then, immediately correct them so that you can assert your superiority and silence them. "No, too much information would be saying that I took off my sock and spread the barf around the carpet with my big toe. It was nice when it was warm, but then it cooled off and got tacky." Once this person knows you're prepared to go all the way, getting grosser and grosser in obvious escalation, they'll blow their position by saying they're disgusted or what-not. You won't make friends battling this one, but you'll always come out on top.

Not!

Wayne's World 2 was put out in 1993. This joke died the following year. Unless you've got Sherman, Peabody and the Way-Back Machine up your ass and are willing to go back to 1994, don't use this one. RIP.

Tell us what you really think!

The alternate to this one is "Don't hold back or anything!" following a tirade of some sort. This one is undeniably weak. The socialite desperate enough to use this one feels the need to ride your coattails after you've dominated the spotlight for a while. Shake that poseur loose! If they're going to try and get some cheap laughs with spotty sarcasm at your expense, take it at face value and fire one directly at them. You can choose if you want to be funny or just ugly, but it's got to be curt and with eye contact. "Your wife left you because you make her do 'stuff'" or something similar is key. Don't smile, don't waver, just keep direct eye contact and watch him take a tumble faster than Hellen Keller leading Ray Charles through the Stair Museum. If you know how, mutter in an exotic language like you're laying a curse on him. That should end any ambition people will have from using this runny dump of a joke.

And that folks, is what is meant by pre-packaged humour and why it has to die. There are other examples which simply go without saying. Any woman who has a sign advertising "I can go from 0 to Bitch in 10 seconds!" probably couldn't go more than two rounds in an insult fight before screwing it up and saying she humped a pine tree. "Working hard or hardly working?" is also deserving of a powerful blow straight to the cock or ovaries, depending on gender.

Just keep these handy examples..uh..handy and you'll know exactly what to do the next time some itch has the nerve to drop a "Time to get a watch!" on you.*








*Shatter his wrist with a devestating elbow and then calmly remove his watch. Make sure to time putting on his watch with stepping over his crumpled body. Style counts!