Comment Corner

Folks, let's consider the radio for a few moments. Chances are, you've got one. Unless you're a poverty-stricken bastard living in a pile of mud out near where they're building the new school using a stolen manhole cover as a pillow and a shopping cart as a toilet, you've got one. Maybe you're an old fuck and a radio is all you still have. Well, clearly you're not because you're reading this on one of those magic go-boxes you talk about at bridge.

Side note: Bridge sucks the plaque off a dead hooker's teeth. It's a stuffy, formalized game of asshole-euchre. Just play euchre. People who play bridge are 94% more likely to do erotic auto-asphyxiation at Pottery Barn in a bridal gown. I read that in an Equinox.

Anyway, the point being that the radio has suffered a massive shit-kicking recently. With the advent of different forms of listenable media, the radio has sunk waaaaay down on the list of things to which people listen. Cell-phone tvs, iPods, blackberries and their ilk have taken once mighty radio and made it into a subservient callow bitch, much like this new crapola Hollywood hairstyle evinced by Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code and now Nicolas Cage in Next. Those hairstyles are the result of a stylist sighing and saying, "Fuck....I don't know...whatever."

Is there anything good on the radio? Besides sports-shows, is there anything else worth listening to?

You're damn skippy there is: COAST TO COAST AM WITH GEORGE NOORY



This is radio so good at being shitty it's great. Brought to you from a deep underground lair somewhere underneath the Rockies is the most awesomest show ever. Imagine a host, in this case, George Noory, who never questions anything anybody ever says EVER. Now, imagine that the host also entertains ANY fucking theory about anything. Now, imagine that it was a late-night call in show from every unemployed maniac cretin out there whose mission from God is to call in to George Noory or kidnap the army of shape-shifting reptiloids who go hidden amongst us as Sandwich Artists at Subway.

Each segment starts off with some bumper that doesn't have a damn thing to do with the show. You could be listening to "Little China Girl" by David Bowie for thirty seconds, followed by the creepy "dun-dun......dun-dun.....dun-dun" music before George Noory announces his first guest, a time-travelling dentist who believes that Bigfoot is a race of multi-dimensional beings. The time-travelling dentist will explain his theory which, honest to God, amounts to a man pulling shit right out of his ass with both hands while maintaining a serious composure. George Noory will throw in the odd, "mm-hmmm" or "yes, I read that somewhere". After an hour of this, George will throw open the lines so other people can call in with tales of seeing Bigfoot warp out of a 7-11 after buying a Mountain Dew Code Red Slurpee in Hackensack NJ.

Then, George will cut to commercial, but not before there's a few ads for Coast to Coast AM merchandise (C2C), weird techno music.

Suddenly, you're back with another crazy-ass unrelated bumper followed by the "dun-dun....dun-dun...." followed by a chiropractor who can cure your ailments by using the observer effect to collapse the potential of the photons in your spine to a more appreciable status.

I have heard the absolute best topics on this show what defy rational ability to even comprehend how anybody but the most naive retard could possibly believe:

~ Perverted ghosts who materialized in some lady's bedroom. One of them had sex with her while the other one watched.
~ Ancient Egyptian artifacts found in Illinois may hold clues to discovering the real identity of Jesus.
~ Electonic voting machines and their dangers (actually wasn't that far-fetched a show)
~ Numerous JFK assassins from all around the globe, universe and time.
~ Future-predicting machines held back by the government for fear of creating a paradox where the machines aren't invented.
~ 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.
~ How to program the subconcious mind to psychicly contact people on a universal human experience matrix.
~ Clogeroo and his various views on which races may share Canada with him.

If you want to listen to the show, tune in to 640 AM in Toronto after 10:00 pm. If you don't live in Toronto, leave whatever shithole dump of a town you live in and move to civilization, literacy and indoor toilets.

Besides, what else are you going to listen to? Howard Stern? Well, yeah, okay.

P.S. Anybody want to email me some generic endings I can use, feel fucking free. I'm dying faster the Winner starring Rob Courdry up here.