Comment Corner

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Folks, there’s really no rhyme or reason to this article. It’s nothing more than an odd collection of thoughts that I think ought to be stamped into fucking law. How do I know? I thought of them, that’s how. Jesus.

NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO BID $1 MORE THAN THE NEXT PERSON ON CONTESTANT’S ROW

This is a bitch move. Some fat guy wearing an I Love Drew t-shirt bids $500 on a dinette set that looks like particle board hell and the ditzy blonde whore next to him outbids him by $1. If you don’t know how the Price Is Right contestant’s row works, you shouldn’t be alive, but here it is in a nutshell: Some item gets whored out by Drew’s Whores. Each person then consecutively bids on how much the item costs. One person, one bid and you go in order. The winner is the person nearest the dollar amount without going over. So, in our example, the guy who bid $500 only has ONE fucking dollar amount available to him in the entire universe on which he can win. Whiny bitch whore next to him now has $501 up to infinity to win.



It’s just a dick move and it needs to be rectified before one of the spurned contestants takes that faggy 70’s microphone and ties it in a neat knot through the mouth, throat and nose of the outbidder.

Although that would be hilarious.

MICHAEL KUSS’ ADS ON CITY TV NEED TO BE CHANGED



Michael Kuss is the City TV Toronto nighttime weather anchor. Part of City’s schtick is that City TV has 900000 goddamn weather stations all around the Greater Toronto Area to paint the most accurate weather picture available. Fine. But the ads telling you that Michael Kuss is King Shit need to change. Each one invariably revolves around the tagline “More is always better”, meaning that not only can Kuss give you an accurate picture of the weather, he wants you to believe he can light a cigarette by holding it to his forehead and imagining fire. In one instance, an ATM spews out a shitload of cash, skimpy restaurant servings piss of a patron and the other ones I can’t right remember.

I want to see an ad where Michael Kuss is at the doctor’s office. He’s in that paper robe when the doctor comes in gravely looking at a medical chart. “What is it doc?” he asks. “More’s always better is it? Well fucker, you’ve got AIDS. Lots of AIDS,” the doctor responds. Then he kicks Michael Kuss in the dick.

CAN PEOPLE LAY OFF KNOCKING DANE COOK?



Dane Cook is funny. Dane Cook is funny in ways that you’re not. But a lot of people take runny fucking dumps on Dane Cook because he IS funny in ways that they’re not. His shit on Lost makes me want to run out to City TV and kick Michael Kuss in the dick for having lots of AIDS while laughing uncontrollably. The knocks against him don’t make sense and he seems to be vilified while other comedians aren’t. Want to attack a useless comic? Gallagher. Feel free.

SUPER MARIO BROS. 2 IS NOT A GOOD GAME

Sorry folks, this one is true, true, true. It’s a terrible goddamn game.



From a Super Mario perspective, it doesn’t make a lick of goddamn sense. Why am I plucking shit off the ground and whipping it? Where’s my fire-flower, goombas and power-up mushroom? Why am I playing as the Princess, who’s as floaty on her feet than Michael Kuss flamboyantly hopping over a puddle on his way to work? I know it’s based on a Japanese game, Doki Doki Panic and just retooled for the American audience, but shit, why not just retrofit the sprites to look like the A-Team and sell that horeshit too? Faceman whipping giant onions at armoured birds. Sounds logical.

REMEMBER THIS GUY?



It’s Slim Goodbody. God, how the fuck did children survive the 80’s with their sanities intact?

Oh yeah, we had this:



Fuck you 70's kids!