Comment Corner

Folks,

Too often on the road, you'll be barraged by idiotic student drivers learning all about defensive driving. These courses are supposed to teach awareness of those around you and anticipate that everybody else is a complete fucking moron whose sole motivation in life is to smash the living hell out of your car with whatever chunk of their car they can manage. It's not a bad plan.

But, if everybody supposedly learned defensive driving, then where are all the assholes, dickheads and morons coming from that we all need to be prepared? I imagine that somewhere, there must be a school for offensive driving. This would be the school for said assholes, dickheads and morons. Each driving instructor is equipped with a four-door charcoal gray Jetta, the choice car of those steeped in shit-headedness, and has passed the necessary test of strangling a puppy to death.

THE HORN

At the Offensive Driving School, the horn is not merely an additonal signalling device whose use is discretionary at best. It is used for a myriad other reasons:

+ Alerting the driver of another car near you of your intention to violently flip him the bird.
+ Signalling to the car ahead of you that the light flipped to green 0.00003 seconds ago and he should hurry up and move his shitbox.
+ Informing a driver in the Tim Horton's line-up that his order is too long and he may end it at any fucking time now.
+ Laying claim to a parking spot at a congested mall from three rows over. Drivers may use either morse code or just lay down one motherfucking long blast until arriving to claim their spoil.

Drivers will be graded on consistency of use, speed of deployment and overall lack of consideration for the situation in which it is used. Bonus points are awarded for horning older ladies trying to cross the street.

LANE CHANGING

Nowhere, except for somewhere in the local Highway Traffic Act, does it say that a driver may not drive along in a lane bound to end. Consequently, we teach all student drivers at the Offensive Driving School that it is perfectly acceptable to keep in one of these merging lanes until only a few molecules of the rear tire could conceivably be still in the small patch of lane visible under microscope. Nothing says pussy like merging when you're supposed to.

Additionally, we teach the "Left Lane until only a brazen 90 degree turn will successfully angle the car to get off the highway and onto the offramp" technique of succesful highway driving. Too much time is wasted by drivers planning a route and then moving over slowly towards the right of a highway, only to get behind some shithead bastard going slow because he doesn't want to hit the offramp intersection at 115 km/h.

RED-LIGHTS

At the Offensive Driving School, be sure that we teach all the latest time-saving techniques associated with wantonly disobeying traffic lights. Our experts have timed yellow-lights to last for approximately 3 seconds. At nearly double the speed limit, offensive drivers should have nearly enough time to wail through the intersection, narrowly missing other defensive drivers stupid enough to believe that a green-light in their direction meant they could proceed.

If one is a total vagina and stops for a red-light, we teach "Inching Forward For No Good Reason". Waiting is an emotionally exhausting time. Nothing cures the boredom like taking the foot off the brake to roll forward two inches towards the car stopped ahead of you. If the light is exceptionally long and one of our drivers is now touching bumpers, we teach the "Hey you jackass. Why don't YOU roll forward a couple of inches so I can roll forward a few more too?" exasperated hand-gestures. Cross-learning with the horn is also taught.

CELL PHONES

Only the worst sort of trailer trash drives while on a cellphone. How 2001. We teach mid-drive Blackberry Texting; for time-crunched winners on the go!

WHIPLASH INJURY TRAINING

No matter how minor the accident, each successful candidate of the Offensive Driving School is trained by Shakespearian stage-actors on the immediate symptoms they need to fake for later whiplash lawsuits. Students are also taught to keep a neck-brace readily available in the glovebox.

These are just a few of the services offered at the Offensive Driving School. Enroll today or one of our drivers will run you the fuck over.