Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics,

Hollywood cannot be trusted with its movie posters. For every one (and by one I mean the Truman Show), the rest of them are pureed shit sprinkled with a healthy dose of your self-respect for having looked at them. However, some of them stand out from the others, beacons of "What in the fuck??" Here, before you, is a collection of some of those posters that I could be bothered to find.

Saw III



From this poster, I can only guess that Saw III is about a scurvy ridden hooker's first trip to a really shitty dentist. With all of the things this poor lady sucked, a lime here or there certainly wouldn't have killed her. Still, I can't imagine how they got Ellen Degeneres to pose for the poster. Normally after the taping of her "show", she scurries back to her hellish cave before the producers are forced to drag her out by her cloven hoof into they daylight to film another dancing mood. Still, check her out in this one. I think.

Silent Hill



What in the fuck is up with studios assuming I know what the hell is going on in their movie before they release it? Judging from this, a triangle chunk of the Titanic crashed into Matthew McConaughey's head and now he's damn angry about it. The only thing more appropriate for Matthew there would have been to remove the Titanic head-chunk and slap it on Sarah Jessica Parker's face in Failure to Launch. Maybe then the movie wouldn't have also been known as "Failure to Watch." Anyway, back to Silent Hill. It flopped and the ending was unbearably confusing with scratched heads, wasted money on ill-advised special effects and copious tears. Much like Dummy Matt's wedding night! Zing!

The Santa Clause 3: Escape Clause



Now we're fucking talking movie posters! Badass fatass on the left versus mincing pedophile frostbite man who just freshly shit his pants on the right! It's a fight to the finish and the world, as shown in the wee little town at the bottom, hangs in the balance! Come on flesh-toned chubby bastard chunk of dogfood, I got my last 10 bucks riding on you!! Oh, fuck, Tim Allen in a movie about "snow"? Here's a hint Tim, it goes on the ground, not in your nose.

There's an art form associated with movie posters and good ones can certainly make or break a movie's potential....wait, what am I saying. They're just fucking movie posters for Nick Lachey's left ball's sake.

Yeah, I didn't really have an ending for this one. Sue me or go watch Ellen Degeneres violate good taste some more.