Comment Corner

Folks,

There are still a few more things that really get my shit steamed up in the colon, and then I fire out flaming chocolate dragon-monkeys to such an extent I've got to go to the sink, get a cup, scoop out the chunkiest, most unflushable offenders, put them in the sink, run hot water to break them up and repeat as necessary until I can get all that shit disposed of.

It's not an easy task; if it's in a public toilet, I'll just totally give up, take a quick piss in the trash can and leave.

Just a few new things to mull over:

WOMEN WHO THINK THAT THE REASON THEY'RE SINGLE IS BECAUSE MEN ARE INTIMIDATED BY STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN BUT REALLY IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST THE HOARIEST BITCHES YOU'RE EVER LIKELY TO MEET

You've probably met these women yourselves and wondered why you didn't smash them across the mouth with the nearest manhole cover. Rather than accept that the reason they're single is because they're a) boring as fuck, b) bitchy and bossy or c) spoiled twats, they invent a reason to believe they're single that serves to both minimize their pathetic loneliness AND also give themselves a backhanded compliment.

Here's a tip you can print out and keep in your fucking purses ladies: Guys don't want subservient women. They really don't. As a matter of fact, nobody wants to date a complete fucking spineless bitch, man or woman. So quit lying to yourself or your bitchy friend that the reason she's fucking a dildo and buying lavish gifts for her neices and nephews is because she's too smart. It isn't.

If you listen to these women for more than 30 seconds, you'll instantly spot the problem. They're fucking insecure and compensate by drowning out everybody else in conversation (in their minds, if you listen to anybody else, you'll realize how sucky they are in comparison), bragging about shit or belittling men.

It's a total waste of time, it solves absolutely nothing since they're STILL more pathetic than the homliest bitch on J-Date and they're going to die alone.

If you want to do that rah-rah sisterhood shit, try being honest with them for even 1 second. When they start in with the whole "Dave got upset at dinner when I demanded to pay the entire bill; he was intimidated" you say, "Well, did you try not being a cunt?" If she stares blankly at you, there's hope. If she begins to get mouthy, you've got to be strong and crack her one right in the fucking temple with an old Singer sewing machine. If her skull caves, so be it. It's symbolic.

PEOPLE WHO STICK "$" IN WORDS TO REPRESENT GREED

Folks, this is pathetic and lame. Don't think for a second you're even remotely like Voltaire, or even a piece of Voltaire's shit if you do this. Trying to make Sony seem more evil by writing $ony doesn't actually do the trick; ditto Micro$oft, New York Yankee$ or for you asshole bigots out there at home washing your robes, Holocau$t.

Knock this shit off. If you think that giant conglomerates are bastard corporations that values money over people, you should sign off the internet immediately and report to your nearest police station to take the detective's exam right away. The police department is lacking in people with such critical analysis skills and will most likely hire you on the spot, give you a gun, tell you to fight crime and come back in 10 hours for the end of the shift.

Don't delay! If you actually use Holocau$t, you should find out what police force Dummy Matt is on and sign up there.

THE PHRASE "I SKIPPED THE SIX-PACK AND NOW I'M GOING FOR THE WHOLE KEG" WHILE RUBBING THE BELLY

Congratulations: You're fat. Put down the fucking donuts.

ATTEMPTING TO APPEAR MUCH MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THE BIBLE THAN YOU REALLY ARE BY BLITHELY DROPPING THE PHRASE "WELL, IT DOES HAVE SOME GOOD MORALS IN IT" WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS IT'S A WORTHLESS DIVISIVE BOOK

If this is your "go-to" phrase when discussing the bible, just admit that you don't know squat-cuke-all about the book. Turn the other cheek is a good moral, regardless of being in the bible. Not that you'll find Christians actually DOING it, they're more interested in spray-painting Muslims bright pink for easier spotting in traffic, crowded markets and in-flight toilet trips.

But, back to the original point, knock off trying to negotiate middle ground by making vague statements. Actually, it doesn't even have to be about the bible, that was just an example. Quit trying to straddle the fence regarding issues about which you're completely ignorant; just man-up and say you know more about LC on the Hills' crotch than something.

Because knowing about her twat is useful too.

I don't have an ending; but as a tip, I've heard that Corvettes are made of plastic and shit on the highway.