Comment Corner

Folks,

Music today is pretty shitty. Most of it is heartless R&B nonsense with spartan melodies and an assload of bassy beats. Avril Lavigne is now trying to impress the world with trying to be its slutty "Girlfriend", AKON is done slapping asses on the floor and has a terrible new song, Timbaland is whoring himself out to every song written and the Pussycat Dolls should just be tied to the front end of a train and derailed into a GM dealership. Even more appalling, some snotbarf group out there took a perfectly good song by Supertramp, Take a Look at my Girlfriend, and rewrote the verses to be absolute smears of catshit while smashing the joy out of the chorus. I nearly choked the car radio when I heard this song. The last time I was that mad about a song, Piff Duddy or whatever the fuck he is now was butchering Kashmir with the help of Jimmy, I karate kicked a kid into a magazine rack at Chapters. I couldn't decide whether to cry over the betrayal or laugh as the kid looked for his teeth among scattered issues of Chatelaine.

Fast forward to today. Specifically, a couple of weekends ago. I was watching Casino Royale when I heard Chris Cornell's dulcet voice saying I knew his name. Indeed Chris, I do. I was transported back in time to when a friend bought the Soundgarden album Louder than Love. He bought it as a lark, a capricious, mercurial, spur of the moment bout of whimsy. But it rocked the living shit out of the cassette deck. When we popped the tape out later, the deck screamed like we had ripped out its fucking heart.

Thus, the Comment Corner presents:

BEST FUCKING BAND EVER





Done.

You know the Comment Corner is right, but for you non-believers out there, hold on to your glass fucking chops 'cause here comes a fist of reason to bust them right on down.

1. Nobody screams like Chris Cornell

There's a part in "Let Me Drown" where Cornell just fucking wails the shit out of his voice to pound into you to drown him in you. I don't know what that means either, but fuck it, the power of his voice alone could drop ovaries into testicles on 9 out of 10 women who are exposed to it. Jesus Christ Pose is pure power from stem to gudgeon. I don't know what a gudgeon is either...maybe that's where Chris Cornell is going to drown himself in you. If Satan ever got his balls caught in a salad shooter, he'd better pray to God it isn't on a night Cornell is rocking a house or nobody's going to hear him.

2. Nobody has riffs like the 'Garden

My Wave. Jesus Christ Pose. Outshined. Rusty Cage. Spoonman. Flower. All Your Lies. Pretty Noose. Play those songs in that order and the meaning of life will be revealed to you. True story: One time I was caught downtown without a ride. Some guy offered to drive me in a Dodge Neon but I'd rather roll home in a barrel full of spit. As luck would have it, I had Down on the Upside on a CD player handy. I put the headphones on the hood of the and played the part of No Attention where it switches from the rock tempo to the slower blues tempo and it changed into the fucking Batmobile. I didn't like the colour so I played Never the Machine Forever and made the car bright gold. Fear.

3. Nobody has a shaggy loser bass player like Ben Sheppard

He wrote Half. It's a blemish on the group's stellar record of writing songs that can pull planets out of orbit to get a better listen.

4. Birth Ritual is an anthem for war.

This song alone is enough to ensure the perpetual defence of Canada. Should any sumbitch country invade, giant loudspeakers blaring this song could bring them weeping to their knees, setting up the easy execution of pretenders to the Crown. This song features power chords, rock your nuts worse than cancer screams and could inspire the dead to rise from the grave just to join in on the chorus.

Don't believe me? Go now to any local record store and pick up a copy of the Singles soundtrack and go straight to Birth Ritual. If you're not naked and eating raw meat by the end of the song, there's always Justin Timberlake. Pansy.

P.S. Cornell's new song, No Such Thing from his upcoming solo album (so long Audioslave, we barely knew ya) may not be able to shatter a mountain to dust, but it could rip the paint off of a passing bus.