Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

The Brown File

The Comment Corner is proud to present an ongoing study from the “Brown File”. This earthly tome is the font of knowledge concerning an act that involves us all, can disgust us, revile us, relieve us and, in the right circumstances, bring a smile to our face.

Of course, I’m talking about defecating. Pooing. Shitting. Crunching. Ass-barfing. Blasting the chocolate shotgun. Baking a brown apple pie. Butt-brownies hot from the oven. The Polish mud-slide. Dangling the long brown monkey tail. You name it, we do it but most of us have never considered it much beyond the simple act of the dropping of the pants, the sitting, the dirty dunk, the wipe, the safety wipe and the flush.

Consider this: How many times have you cramped out a twister, burst a blood vessel in your eye and bit your lip hard enough to draw blood only to stand up and see a corny O’Henry bar and you haven’t eaten corn in weeks? How does that happen?

Firstly, I think we need to come to terms with the very act of punching a bum-ticket right away. People shit. Really, they do. Sometimes it’s a noisy wet affair, sometimes a long drawn out trumpet note followed by a chocolate chip and sometimes it looks like somebody spilled a Taco Supreme on the toilet. But we all do it. Not all the same of course, but everybody pushes out stools so let’s quit with the hesitation about a shitty subject and dive right in.

Moving right along, I think it would behove us to understand the different types of shit a body can have. Not all types of craps are listed, for instance I’m going to assume everybody is familiar with the green-apple splatters and I’ll cover the lesser known ones instead, at least until we’re ready to study shittles without giggling.

Manifest Destiny Shits

These shits are the whoppers that can fill an entire bowl in half a sitting. Literally clogging the entire bowl it’s piled up so high, one has to make like an American frontiersman and head for a second bowl to finish the job. Often confused with a similar species, the “Whole Magazine Dump”, it requires a lot of reading material, good sphincter control for minimal seepage during the wagons west to the new toilet and a strong heart to take the blood pooling below the knees. As a side note, courtesy flushes are a no-go. If one has the misfortune of heeding this call without a back up toilet, sinks, washing machines, dishwashers, showers, the back of the toilet or a coffee mug can be substituted.

Hell’s Kitchen

People often confuse this particular poop as being an ass scorcher, but in reality, they’re thinking of the Dirty Dragon Kiss. This particular crunch is when the shit neatly coils itself around and around the bowl in one long strand ultimately preventing its own flushing. A Hell’s Kitchen shit is both identified and remedied by simply heading to the kitchen, grabbing a fork and using it to cut the Hell’s Kitchen up into more easily flushable components. For some reason, this one is very prone to bowl-skids. Anyway, chronic Hell’s Kitchens will usually necessitate keeping a crap-fork close by. It’s imperative to wash it in between uses and clearly label it for unaware folks.

Thirst Quencher

If your shit is too porous, it has the tendency to suck up all the water in the bowl preventing flushing. A Thirst Quencher will leave your bowl dry, but with a bloated turd lumped at the bottom. Not too much of a problem, simply pour enough water from the sink or bathtub into the bowl to allow the Thirst Quencher to begin its journey down the Shit Zoombafloo to parts unknown. Resist being lazy and taking a piss on a Thirst Quencher. Due to the abundant bloating, you’re more likely simply to cut it in pieces and have all the liquids dribble away on you.

Roaring 20’s

Much like the decade of the same name, this shit comes on in a roar, dances a Charleston and ends with a market crash. Often times, this shit can cause the shitter himself to roar. Be mindful of back spatter when this hits the bowl. Sometimes, if the roar is particularly deafening, one can give himself a quick boost off the seat to allow extra dump-space in between the ass and water, preventing the majority of poo-water from splashing up onto the bum. While toilet paper is pretty good at wiping, it hasn’t any good power when it comes to mopping, which is pretty much standard after a Roaring 20’s. In a pinch, the soft fabric of the outer part of the shower curtain can come in handy for mopping. Just make sure to hide the evidence.

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Loosely based on the poem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, this shit is classified by the line “Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink”. Previously, it was classified by the moniker “Watery Tuba” but an explosive increase in this species was noticed on university campuses and classed up accordingly. If you’ve been hosed on whiskey for the better part of a week, one can expect to take a Rime of the Ancient Mariner. When standing up to inspect the majesty of the dump, be prepared to instead see nothing more than ghostly brown water with a couple chocolate chips floating around. Essentially, this shit is nothing more than peeing out your bum, but with a different colour.

I hope that this small primer from the Brown File has been both informative and educational in introducing. Remember the Comment Corner will never self-censor and deny you what you need to know before you know you need it.