Comment Corner

Folks,

I've been to weddings. I've sat dutifully through them and recognized them basically to be but one thing: a colossal siphon of money that could be doing something else for the newly able-to-fuck-in-the-name-of-Jesus couple. I've seen extravagence at some weddings here that's triggered peasant revolts in South America. Somewhere in between the doves flying out of the bride's ass, the milk-chocolate limosine and the vows exchanged on a floating dock made from crushed rose-petals on the freshly dug and filled lake, one can here the cry from these peasants, "Muerte a la decadencia!"

I've heard these cries and I too feel them. Thus, I present, for those with both a budget and a social conscience for western hemisphere class-struggles, your guide to having The Cold Codger's Wedding:

1. SAVING MONEY ON THE INVITATIONS

Email. Couldn't be simpler. If people don't have a computer to receive email, they probably don't have the money to afford you a nice gift. Next time you see these people, tell 'em you sent them a smoke-signal, what the fuck is their problem in getting back to you?

2. SAVING MONEY ON LOCATION

Honestly, people don't need too much of a fancy location and really, anywhere will do where you can herd in about 300 blood-strangers*, have them sit, smile, cry, burp, follow the happy couple to a table, eat, drink, drink, eat, talk, drink, smile, finger-bang the maid of honour, drink, puke, make a half coherent toast/half coherent embarassing story, black out and forget the whole damn affair.

The Cold Codger's Wedding can be held then at parking lots, strip malls, school gymnasiums, parks, chunks of the forest off the highway or in the middle of an intersection if you're both fucking quick at shooting off the vows. Since people are going to black out anyway, who cares if they remember it being the top of the CN Tower or out in the receiving docks at a casino?

If it rains on your wedding day, you're first obliged to sing "Isn't it ironic, don't you think?" before moving the party inside. However, since you're probably getting the location by some sort of squatter's principle, you won't be able to bring EVERYBODY inside the Sobey's (Safeway for you west-coasters), you need to cull the herd. People should be instructed in their email invitation to print it out, in colour, and bring it with them. At the onset of rain, people whip out their tickets. Silver ticketed people are asked to go home while those with gold tickets may remain at the party inside. Get the gifts first before announcing this. If you're like me, don't issue any gold tickets at all, go inside the Sobey's, get some shopping done and go the fuck home.

*Blood-stranger is a term I co-invented to describe those relatives you have, never fucking see, don't know a thing about but feel compelled to invite to social events because hey, they're blood.

3. SAVING MONEY ON THE FOOD

People make a great big deal about the food, and rightfully so. A wedding where I'm not constantly sated with food is indubitably one I'm going to badmouth on the car-ride home. So, quantities of food must be kept high lest you have people like me out peeing on the happy couple's decorated Volvo in a protest they'll never understand but feel cruelly betrayed by anyway.

Thus: Taco Bell. You can easily feed people a shitload of the greatest fastfood known to man for about 10 bucks a head.

In their email, people can check off whether they'd like two tacos or one burrito, what sort of topping on their fries and what they'd like to drink. No fucking substitutions, no accounting for vegitarians or those allergic to anything. Increasing the menu means increasing cost. That ain't you, so just don't do it at all.

You could probably get the local Taco Bell to cater it too. Imagine how proud they'd feel catering a wedding as opposed to being the last ditch effort for a soccer-mom to appease three bratty kids come dinner time. I bet the manager would be all too happy to drive out a couple hundred tacos and cheesy fries in his rusted Toyota Corolla with the Ryerson University sticker in the back window to your blessed affair.

So, go with Taco Bell. If you're in Alberta, go with KFC.

4. SAVING MONEY ON THE DJ

An MP3 player. This one is bloody simple. With the advent of downloadable music that is single-handedly driving Metallica broke, you no longer need some asswipe DJ and his collection of asswipe-DJ CDs. No more auditions, no more poring over ads and no more putting up with their idiotic egos, bad hats and insipid nick-names there DJ Funkmastotron. Beg, borrow or steal an iPod if you don't already have one, go to Kazaa and fuck over the music industry by downloading all your favourite songs.

Hook the MP3 player up to speakers, hit shuffle and dance the night away.

If you're like me though, the above option looks both time-consuming and possibly expensive. Turn on an easy-listening radio station. Chances are, you've got some Lite FM station that has shitty ads on television advertising the hardest rock they're ever going to play is Genesis. Tune in that sumbitch, put on your red shoes and dance your blues away.

5. SAVING MONEY ON THE LIQUOR

You might be shithopped here. If you expect to go to other weddings and drink for free, you may be obligated to provide an open bar. But, I say chance it. Most people feel some sort of need to liquor others up for free and they probably won't sabotage the whole thing out of a distant vendetta for you and your BYOB.

So, BYOB. Taco Bell is already providing a large Pepsi, tell the guests they can pour in their own rum. Remember, this is about saving money on a one-day cum-shot for the bride's own ego, keep the cost down. BYOB. Put it in the email so the rummies can all prepare.

6. SAVING MONEY ON MEMENTOS

A lot of weddings now have interesting things at the dinner table that guests can take home as keepsakes because people like me used to fill their pockets with centre-pieces and silverware. So, in keeping with this tradition, people may feel entirely free and at ease to take home their printed out email invitation. You'll remember more about the wedding with that than you will with an etched champagne flute.

7. SAVING MONEY ON COSTUMES

Firstly, don't bloody kid yourself. The bridal gown is a costume. It masks the dreary hardware logistics manager for Chuck and Sons Plumbing life that the bride endures daily as though she were a princess. She isn't. If she were, she wouldn't be marrying your cheap ass. And for those out there that like to throw up sentimentality here, being a princess in your mind doesn't count.

So, that hysterical notion thrown to the wayside, wear sweat-pants. Be comfortable at your own wedding. Don't be locked into this belief that you must rise above your own life to aspire to greatness for a day by wearing a tux. You'll save $75 to boot.

8. SAVING MONEY ON SOUND EQUIPMENT

Anybody on your wedding invitation list Edmund Burke, Voltaire or Winston Churchill? No? You don't need them making speeches then. Next.

If you follow these above simple steps, you'll be sure to be on your way to hosting, being in or attending a wedding which will be remembered for ages.

And somewhere, you will have earned the respect of those South American farmers in Bolivia, harvesting the cocoa-leaves eventually to be made into the cocaine that will be snorted out of a hooker's ass crack by the guy who will then crash his Ferrari into your Taco Bell food table and MP3 player thinking he's Knight Rider flying an X-Wing fighter at the Death Star.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?