Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

Kids today, they simply can't be trusted. If they're not dangerously wiggling their hips with a hoola-hoop, they're banging a few pounds of uncut heroin directly into their faces. It's a mad cycle.

So, what happened with Heath Ledger? According to the tabloids from which I'm plaigarizing (and forming the bulk of my research), Heath decided it would be a good idea to get over the break-up of his marriage to Michelle Williams by mixing cocaine with road-tar and washing it down with flat Cristal. Also, he was kissing Mary Kate Olson, that freaky little ash-tray of a woman who has all the sexual charm of a moldy potato whipped into your crotch by a passing bus of French tourists.

The Comment Corner Probe got ourselves a look at the official medical examiner's report, directly from a guy over at Kinko's who made it up.



What drove such a stake into the heart of this fine young actor? Was it the success? Well, certainly not from a Knight's Tale, that movie was like being force-fed a brick. But what about Brokeback Mountain? Did he catch the gay? I hear that's fatal unless diagnosed and treated early with a steady regimen of Christian zealotry. What about the Dark Knight? It's not even out yet, but it looks like it could cause legitimately "not-gay" erections in men. What about other movies he was in? Like the Order? It's like a Knight's Tale, but without any semblance of success.



How does Heath Ledger's death affect those of us that are currently betting on either Amy Winehouse or Britney Spears in the Celebrity Death Pool? Obviously, anybody who bet money on him had the inside scoop in having Heath killed. Because, after doing extensive research of Devil May Cry 4, Heath was killed by a probable conspiracy consisting of a cabal of ex-Cuban exiles, Australia's other two actors Nicole Kidman and Kylie Minogue, Rwandan death-squad children, militant masseuses and the severed head of Ronald Reagan. If you don't know how Reagan fits into things, you obviously don't care he stopped Communism with his incredibly parted hair.

So, what does the Comment Corner Probe actually do? It hangs together some pictures I drew with Microsoft Paint. Disappointed? Hey, it was free!